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Sex and facts

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Sex is good. Sex is beneficial to the body and the mind. Sex is fun. Sex is joy. Sex is connection.
Human beings by design are sexual beings.
For a person of any gender to have sex with one or more legally aged, consenting adult/s of any gender is a personal choice and it has nothing to do with anyone else, it is no business of anyone else.
And if one decides to live without sex that is okay too.

Some good things about sex that often are overlooked are what I want to tell you about here.

So, let’s get the negative out of the way first.
Sex is not evil. Sex is not ugly. Sex is not harmful.
People are.

When a person decides to have/force sex with anyone who does not consent to it and/or is under legal age, that is not sex ‘what’ is doing it.
It is a bad/irresponsible/sick person who made a decision to carry out an act against someone else.
Take that person to justice, punish that person, get that person out of society. In some cases when it is an actual mental disorder, have that person treated by professional therapists, doctors – if possible.

So now that the basics are out of the way, let’s get to the good stuff.

Some science backed benefits of having sex:
– reduces stress and anxiety – in the body it decreases the level of cortisol (stress hormone) and produces dopamine (substance fighting stress hormone) and endorphin (happiness hormone)
– boosts mood and self-confidence as it releases endorphins
– increases libido as it increases the oxytocin (love hormone) level
– improves memory
– burns calories
– boosts the immune system
– improves sleep
– lowers blood pressure and helps prevent heart disease
– relieves pain
– strengthens pelvic floor muscles in women
– regulates menstrual cycle (sex regulates hormones so it helps in regulating the cycle)
– reduces the risk of prostate cancer in men (without ejaculation the fluid stays in, causing various problems)
– can help pass kidney stones
– increases life expectancy – healthy heart, stronger muscles, better blood circulation, plus a state of happiness

Sex not only has plenty of health benefits of course, but in a relationship, sex is an amazing tool to get to know one another more, to give joy and pleasure to your partner, to be playful, to experiment, to try new/different things, to strengthen the bond, to have more intimacy.

Of course, as one’s sexual likes, dislikes and needs change through the years in order to have an ongoingly mutually satisfying sex life, you must have an ongoing communication about it.
Don’t overcomplicate it, just say what you want.
Hardly ever happens that your partner is a mind reader so you saying s/he should know by now is one of the stupidest things you can do.

Also!
Don’t take sex too seriously!
Do whatever you both/all agree on, you need no outsider’s approval to your sex life.
Try, laugh, do, enjoy!
More, and again, and again, and some more.

Is cheating inevitable?

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Lately all the tabloids and social media platforms are full of the stories around the new songs of Shakira, BZRP Music Sessions #53 ( https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CocEMWdc7Ck ) and Miley Cyrus, Flowers ( https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G7KNmW9a75Y  ).
Both singers were pouring their thoughts, pain, anger about being cheated on into their respective songs.
These instances only show being cheated on can happen to anyone, and that anyone can become a cheater at any level of the ‘social ladder’. No position, no money, no fame, no nothing makes anyone protected against it.

Cheating is so common that even a site/app was made to help all those who are looking for some discreet spice outside of their existing relationship. https://www.ashleymadison.com/ is up and running since 2001 and claims to have 75 million members worldwide.
Their ‘moto’ is: ‘Life is short. Have an affair.’

No judgement. All people can do as they please.
Just of course know, and be ready for that your actions have possible/inevitable consequences.
No whining when shit hits the fan, please.

The psychology of cheating is way more complex than as if it was just about sex.
Reasons behind cheating can be:
– anger: one wants to ‘payback’ for the other’s cheating, or as a revenge after a serious argument
– self-esteem issues: through cheating one wants to feel better about themselves, or want to feel more independence, autonomy through it
– lack of feeling love: from both angles, like one doesn’t feel loved or one is not sure about loving their partner and wants to ’check’ it
– frustration: there are unsolved issues in the relationship, but one wants to avoid conflict and searches for relief outside
– needing some variety: basically, that person is just not cut out for a monogamous relationship
– neglect: emotionally and/or sexually feeling abandoned
– at times it is so called situational: when one is drunk or overwhelmed by outside stressors and so are not thinking straight and are just taken by the flow of things
–  sex: because of sexual differences, like one need way more than the partner is willing to give, or one denies certain acts that would be important/pleasurable for the other and so on.

Actually, I believe there are situations when an ‘outside’ connection can even help the relationship to thrive.
Like when one of the partners become sexually incapable to perform maybe due to an illness or accident, but the other partner still has such needs. So, they discuss, agree on and the one with needs goes and have discreet liaisons.
… fair enough, that is no cheating anymore as long as it stays within the discussed and agreed on frames.

The bottom line is, as always, that in order to have a great, mutually satisfying long term relationship, ongoing, honest communication is a must!

When you are not discussing all the surfacing issues, when you are not listening to each other, when you fall into too many assumptions instead of asking questions, when you are not showing your commitment towards each other, when you are not open, vulnerable, caring, loving, interested and invested in each other but there are logistic reasons and/or excuses like lifestyle, children, financial situation, family expectations, whatever not, why one or both of you decide to rather just keep quiet and get on with it, then by all means, do not be surprised when cheating occurs.

If nothing made you to take care of your relationship earlier, if nothing pushed you to solve the issues, or make a move, then let me tell you this: after cheating most of the couples break up!
Most means as high as 80% of the couples are not making it.

They are not making it because on top of all the things that had not been dealt with and led to the cheating, now here is the question of if trust can be rebuilt, if the cheated on can forgive and truly let go of it and not keep bringing it up and pointing fingers at any signs of problems from there on.

And in about 80% of the cases, it is not working out.

So maybe you want to give it another thought, whether wouldn’t it be less painful, less messy, less degrading if you now decided to put more effort into your relationship (only of course if you want to keep having it and enjoy it at its best, to the fullest) and have some deep, detailed, heart to heart talk with your partner and start working for each other, than keep going as is and might face the damaging effects of a cheating.

Love, trust, care, intimacy is worth working for.

You know what you want, go for it!

Talking about sex

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While I knew I wanted to write something about sex in this post, I didn’t know exactly what and while I was thinking about it suddenly Facebook provided the ‘solution’.

The admin of a group wrote: ‘I think we should talk about when, with whom and why women have sex. This will be today’s topic, if I have time to write it, it will be great, we will have debates about it, I am sure.’

These two sentences were enough to start a tsunami of comments.
Everyone had something to say, some jokingly, some seriously.

By the time the post popped in front of me, it had over 60 comments (by now it is over 250).
Started reading them and saw that many people suggested that the particular post waiting to be written should go to a closed group rather than the public one.

I had to react to this. So I wrote:
‘How strange… (almost) everyone does it, but already after the proposal, without the writing itself, several people would steer the topic into closed/protected environments. Why can’t we talk about sex openly? The question is poetic, I know more about it than I care to admit.’

Naturally, there were answers.

One was that it is not that the topic is secretive, but since there may be acquaintances in this group, what one writes may get back to the family, respectively that the neighbour has nothing to do with what happens in her bedroom.

Also, the husband isn’t on Facebook, so she doesn’t have to be afraid of him even if she was posting something intimate.
But according to her, there are things that might be taboo at home.
There is also the case that the woman desires something different from the man or vice versa (she has acquaintances like that).
However, this can still mean a good, sex life because let’s say one of them doesn’t want to take sex to the next level.
And that a relationship can be good even without sex (she also has such friends).
Someone can still love another person and live peacefully and happily, even though they cannot find common ground in sex.
There may be such an age difference that makes the libido of one of them no longer satisfy the other, but they are still happy, and they don’t want to talk about this.
And much more.
And if both parties read this page, but one does not want to talk about it but the other does, then the publicity would not be fair either.

And that speaking/writing openly is not the same as being seen by many of your acquaintances.

All of this was written by everyone before the writing itself had even been created, so none of us had any idea what the admin was thinking about the mentioned topic.

Of course, I didn’t, I couldn’t leave the comments addressed to me unanswered.
Because the overall picture is brutal.

Adults who do have sex, but don’t take on their opinion about it (so that acquaintances don’t see it), is despairing in my opinion.
I agree that neither the neighbour, nor anyone else has anything to do with who, what, with whom and how does it in sex (as long as it is about adult, consenting partners), but from an open, honest conversation and exchange of opinions, anyone could learn, develop, widen their viewing angle, whoever it may be.

For me, the fact that someone is afraid that their opinion, thoughts about sex might get back to their partner or spouse, calls into question the depth and authenticity of that entire relationship.

All other listed phenomena – except when it comes to a relationship between two asexual people – are usually self-deception.
These are the things people keep telling themselves for shorter/longer periods of time because of their convenience, cowardice, self-esteem issues, etc., these are the tepid water situations in which they get stuck in.

Until they feel so badly screwed up that they start to seek some kind of help, and realize that it can be better, that they have the right to have it better, that they too deserve better.
Together or apart, but it can be and they can have it.

Don’t wait for this point, as soon as the dialogues get missed, don’t work, as soon as you get to the point where you know that something is not good for you in that relationship and you can’t solve it by yourselves, seek help right away, either a coach or a therapist, but don’t lie to yourself, don’t suffer unnecessarily.

Life is too short not to give yourself the opportunity to have better, to be happier!

Mind games – the best kind

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Warning: NOT for the faint of heart!

Sex is not a purely physical activity. I mean great sex is not.

It all starts in the mind.
What do I mean?

Well, in a loving, healthy, balanced relationship the partners want to get to know one another, they want to do things that the other likes, that pleases the other. Obviously not only in sex.
In sex too.

Also, people change, their likes and dislikes change, their moods change, their wants and needs change.
All that is natural, all that is normal.
As one learns more of life, gains more experiences, and so on, all that makes changes inevitable.

It is not always that one declares that now this or that has changed, that their interest has shifted but when one pays attention to the other then can pick up signs from the partner and can ask, can act on those signs.

So, coming back to today’s subject, sex:
when watching a movie and something sparks an interest, when overhearing a conversation and there is something that tickles your curiosity, when any verbal or visual stimuli makes you curious and, in your mind, you start playing out scenarios how that particular thing could be brought into your sex life, the mind game starts already.

And when you are ready to share that with your partner, let’s say in the evening, after dinner while sipping on a glass of drink, you start telling the whole story, how, where this is coming from, what is that excites you in it, that you’d be willing to bring that into your sex life, at least for a try, … now you are playing a mind game with your partner.
You are not doing anything, ‘just’ are having some sexy chat … and when your partner likes the idea, their mind starts to wander too.
Keep it fun and exciting so even if you both are willing to give it a try, don’t do it on that night, let both of your minds, imaginations have some ‘play times’.
When you eventually get there that you do try that for real, you both will be excited, curious, and invested.

Also, like when you are just after sex, you always can whisper in the ear of your partner, what will you do next time when you have sex.
That will linger in their mind, will be thinking about it, will make them smile, will hold an erotic tension in the air.

When you send a sexy text message, when you casually drop a remark while you are on your way out of the house, when you put on a clothing item you know your partner loves on (off) you … these all are mind games.

All the above are, of course, only to be tried, used, when you are wanting to keep a healthy, sexy vibration going on between you.

Sure, it is not for everybody.
And that is okay too.

But when you are open, ready, and willing to put in some effort for to have an even more exciting, more sexy relationship … the benefits are sweet and juicy.

What do I do?

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In this post I want to talk about my sex coaching as lately I got some questions and run into assumptions that were incorrect.

The emphasis is on my sex coaching as there are many different types out there, that vary not only in style but also in what they focus on.
There are sex teachers who help couples with the actual act of sex, show them what and how is possible, new ways and so on.
There are other educators who do similar work but specify on self-exploration.
Of course there are those professionals who help in case of any physical issues.
Obviously, there are some overlapping among all.

When you chose someone to work with, you have to understand the focus of their work and see if that aligns with you, with what and where you wish to be helped forward.

What I do is I work with you on you, on your mindset, your thinking, your soul, your possible hidden triggers and other similar ‘woowoos’ that can play part in why you do not enjoy sex as much as you could/should/would like to.

What does that even mean?
That when sex is not as one wishes it to be, and often even when one has some physical issues, there is nearly always some never thought of underlying issues, connections that one was not even thinking of that can do anything with their sex life.

More specifically, although it is true that sex is a physical action, it gets at its best only when one’s mind and soul are in it and are all in alignment.

To help you understand even more easily, let me use some examples.
Like the young man, who was dating, having relationships with women, and never felt content, always felt something is not right.
When we worked together, I asked, he answered, I made him go deep within himself, made him see who he really was/wanted to be, worked on deleting the stress points, the blocks, the dogma he was fed to and finally came his realization and acceptance, he is gay.
He became true to himself and is leading a happy life since.

The intelligent, bright woman in her late 30s who said sex was OK, but she never understood what the big wow was about it, and she kind of grew curious whether she was missing something.
Yes, she absolutely was, she realized it while working together.
She was ‘programmed’ to be a good wife, to take what she gets, to not have needs, to not nag her husband for more/less/different.
What a happily shocking surprise it was to her when finally she talked to her husband who was first completely taken aback with what she revealed but then was happy and willing to have an ongoing communication and exploration to up their sex life that is by now mutually satisfying, better than ever before.

Or the man who is a professional, strong, kind family man and in his 40s started to feel more and more often some sexual dissatisfaction.
His mind was telling him some stories, but it was conflicting his soul, his taught ways of how sex should be, and he had no knowledge of how to communicate his inner conflict to his partner.
While working together he learned to allow himself to have whatever feelings were coming up in him run their course, to be open and vulnerable in his communication to his partner, to bring up to her his new interest, discuss it and got to the point where they were able to start out on a new, mutually satisfying road in sex together.

You see, although sex itself is a physical act, when one is not knowing her/himself well, is not happy with her/himself, when that little inner voice is saying something else than what the ‘routine’ is, when sex becomes a routine, when listening to self and communicating with the partner/s is lacking or in the worst cases is not even existing, when mind, soul and body are not in harmony then it is impossible to have a fully satisfying, best ever sex life.

To achieve that harmony is where I help you when you come to work with me.
To reach the most self- identical, authentic self of you, and with that to have/do/enjoy the most of a mind-blowing, fully satisfying, fun, spontaneous, well communicated, amazing sex life.

Easy as a restaurant review

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Whatever we are talking about, depending on where we are looking, who we are asking, we can find polar opposite views, opinions, experiences about it.

Simple example is a restaurant review.
There is a nasty, negative rating and on the very same day another happy, positive one.
How will you know which one is to believe to?
How will you decide whether to go or not to that restaurant?

It will entirely depend on you.
On your mood in that moment, on your general attitude, on your previous experiences, on your wants and needs.
How?
Like that if you are in the blues, not even sure if you want to go out to eat at all, if you had at some other time at some other restaurant some bad experience already, if you are not that hungry and anyways you have other options like ordering food or finding something in your kitchen, you very likely will believe the negative view and will not go.
On the other hand when you are happy, willing to go out, had no particularly bad restaurant experience before, hungry, having no other options to choose from, you will trust the positive rating and will go.

Relying on the ratings from complete strangers, without any knowledge of their possible agendas, of what was the reality of their ratings, of what might had influenced them to write whatever they did, you made your mind up, believed one of them, made your decision.

Whatever you decided, whatever happens next, you have no right to blame the reviewer, you can’t make them responsible.

The fact though is, when you never go to that restaurant ever, you will not have a personal experience and so neither the right to claim a well-established opinion really.
Contrary to that, when you go, you will gain experience first-hand, and so you can form your own, grounded views.

… and this shit applies to anything and everything in life!

When you have an opinion about anything that you had no personal experience with and you are stating whatever you believe for God only knows why to be the truth and are eagerly spreading that out and wide, you are losing your credibility.
And so does everyone else doing that towards you!

Having an opinion is a human right. Believing whatever, to whomever is a personal choice.

To be authentic and stay trustworthy I find it a good idea that when stating something without personal experience, without thorough knowledge, is best to start by saying something like ‘although I have no personal experience, my opinion based on … is … ‘

When someone is not into an open discussion with you by talking, asking, listening, showing curiosity towards your views but throws ‘facts’, views, opinions at you about anything in life, especially concerning your looks, relationships, sex life, likes and dislikes, preferences (particularly when you didn’t even ask for it), you have all the right to not listen to that person.
Use your legitimate self-defence and ignore, use the ‘Ctrl+Alt+Del’ combo on them.

You are the only one with a full knowledge on your whys and why nots, you have to be the title character of your own life, you are no less (not more either) then anyone else, regardless of your life choices.

Therefore, whenever you decide, choose, do or don’t anything, make sure it is your decision, your wholehearted yes or no!
And thus you can take full responsibility for it too.

Sex – Kink – Fetish

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There are many medical, scientific, politically correct, analytical and such info and documents available on the subject for those who are interested.
My aim here is to shed some light on these from a more lifelike aspect.

Why?
Because often when one wants to talk about these subjects, let alone interested in, or what’s more, is into any kink or fetishes, gets told off that these are evil, bad, nasty, sick or whatever label gets attached to, activities.
Most importantly, these labels are coming from no more than prejudice, pure stupidity, fear of the unknown, ignorance, jealousy, malice and any possible combination of these.

Now that this is clear …

There are some who are not interested in sex at all, and that is perfectly okay.

For others, sex is an activity that is part of their adult life.
Also, it may mean many different things to us, as the word sex is a collective concept.
It basically fits anything that gives a person sexual pleasure.
Starting there, that who needs it how often. Some are okay with sometimes and some can’t function properly if not having it daily. And of course, anything in between.
Kissing, touching, fingering, foreplay, oral pampering, vaginal and anal intercourse are some major fields within sex.
Some engages in and are interested in some or all of these and have no interest to explore further.

And then there are those who are kinky and those who have fetishes.

Here let’s clarify this first: all fetishes are kinks but not all kinks are fetishes.

Why?
Simply put, because a kink is a broad term that includes basically everything that is beyond the missionary sex.
Includes alternative sexual interests, preferences, fetishes, fantasies, roleplays, BDSM and so on.

A fetish on the other hand, is a sexual fixation on an object or act, without which the person can’t have sexual satisfaction, and these can be things or acts that originally are not even sexual. Like shoes, leather or silk, spanking or touching, kissing the partner’s leg …

So, what might be my kink, could be your fetish.

As I always say, in regards of everything really, you must learn, discover yourself first. Alone or with a partner.
You must understand yourself first, what is that you like, want, need, what gives you satisfaction.
Then, you can explore your partner.

Of course, again, as everything, it requires communication.

And because we do change, our interests may shift so the communication must be ongoing.

And finally, regardless of who wants to pull you down how, who wants to disqualify your feelings and needs, you must know, you have the right to be who you are, feel how you feel, need what you need, gain pleasure as you like.

As long, as it is between adults of legal age, not against the partner’s will, as long, as you are not putting anyone in danger.

Basically, in sex anything goes as long, as you keep it safe, sane and consensual.

Enjoy it!

Illusion – a tool or pure lie

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This I just saw on a social media platform:
‘What makes desirable to be desirable?
From that the woman without sparing money, time and effort, and often even enduring pain, tries to present her advantages in the most tempting way possible and to minimize her disadvantages.
Every single woman has disadvantages, but the man doesn’t have to know about it. Women know how to divert their attention from disadvantages.
Because men are never interested in the truth, it is not what makes them fever, but the illusion of what they see.
However, it is up to the woman, what kind of sight unfolds before them. The smart woman creates the illusion.’

NOOO, this is so fucking wrong on so many levels!

First of all, desirable is not like mathematics where 2+2 always equals 4.
What one considers desirable is a personal preference, meaning that is unique to each and every one of us.

Then why does it talk only about women?
Big mistake to believe men don’t want to be desirable! They do.

Of course, we all want to show our best on a first date or on a special occasion but to build, have and keep a relationship, honesty is a must.
And honesty means that we, women and men alike, admit to our disadvantages too.

Not to mention the fact that it is impossible to upkeep an ‘illusion’ – that I rather call a lie – without fail, all the time, 24/7.
Also, where would the person be in this act of illusion? I mean the authentic, real, raw truth of the person.
I tell you: nowhere! Would be hidden, or worse, not even discovered, acknowledged. It would be a kind of a freak show only.

Plus, it is insulting towards men.
‘Never interested in the truth’?!? How can anyone generalize men like that?
I mean sure, when one is after only a one-night stand, some sexual satisfaction then yes, I buy it, we don’t need the full truth, only the best of each other that makes that night a celebratory fireworks.
But then again, in such a case it would apply both to women AND men!

Worth a note too, men are not dumb, stupid, brainless dicks.
Feel sorry for you if this is the only kind you ever (in family, school, work, relationships, …) experienced.
Men have brain, and they use it too and so, after the initial hunger, they would see through such an ‘illusion’.
When they were after just sex, they likely wouldn’t mind but if they were to look for a relationship then it is also likely that they would get out and look elsewhere.
Obviously, here I am talking about mature men, not hungry boys.

As a final clarification, here is the official definition of the word, illusion:
– an instance of a wrong or misinterpreted perception of a sensory experience
– a deceptive appearance or impression
– a false idea or belief

So please, don’t fall for such shallow ‘wisdom of life’!
It is untrue, simplifying and is hurtful.
Use your brain, rely on your wisdom and be yourself! Fully!

Misconceptions about a word

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From the moment of birth, one’s conditioning starts.
That means that the young adult you become has all that engraved, good, bad, personally suitable or not.

One thing, out of numerous, that is not taught or ‘advertised’ is that because your mum, dad, family is one way, it does not mean you are exactly, or at all, the same as them.
Just because they have a way of seeing the world, understanding events, translating stories, does not mean you must blindly follow.

Yes, we all are influenced by our families, schools, immediate surroundings while growing up.
Yes, mostly we are taught to follow suit.
Yes, adults are, in good cases, teaching, showing the world to the kids by their best knowledge and understanding.
Yes, there are ‘social norms’ that are influencing the majority in the world.
Yes, girls commonly are told not to say no because that is not polite, that might inconvenience the men, the older, the authority.
Yes, boys commonly are told not to say no as that might inconvenience the older, the authority and at the same time also taught not to take no, as an answer if they want to become ‘somebody’.

This system is outdated, rotten and hurting way too many.

No is a valid, legal, necessary word in everyone’s vocabulary.

You must learn how and when to use it, as well as accept it, when you hear it.

Once you are ‘out in the world’, wherever that might be from your late teens onwards – studying a trade, being at a university, already working – you will meet all kinds of people with all kinds of backgrounds and conditioning.
This is the time from when on you can see, experience and understand more of life than what you had in your more closed ‘home’ community.
This is the time from when on you might realise that there are other options that are more liked and suitable for you.
This is the time from when on you have to start realizing that in order to live your life, do your things, follow your dreams, sometimes you will need to say no.

Oh, and as a side note, even if you are older, whatever old, it is never too late to learn to say and accept a no!

For many, it is a life changing phenomenon.

When you realize, you can say no to following in the parents’ footsteps because you see your life going in a different direction.
When you understand it is possible to say no to bosses, to authority.
When you understand it is a must to say no when you feel so, and accept no, in any kind of a sexual situation.
When you understand it is your right to say no to anyone under any circumstances when you feel it to be the right answer for yourself.

Anything you learned, can be unlearned.
Anything you were taught can be revisited, you have the right to keep it with you or can decide to drop it since it does not match you, your values, your worldview.

Life is a forever changing, evolving flow.
So are you.

You have the possibility, the ability and the tools to keep growing, to keep getting better, to keep becoming more you.

And one of such tools is the word ‘no’.
Use it when you feel it necessary.
Use it wisely.

Labels versus Self

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The Internet in general, even more so all forms of social media, unsolicitedly floods people with any and all kind of ‘content’ and make looking up, finding information on anything into a matter of a few clicks.
Basically, whatever you are interested in you will find one opinion/explanation and the 180 degree opposite of it, plus anything in between in a matter of seconds.
To safely navigate all that, one needs to have self-knowledge and be self-confident, intelligent, educated, open minded, curious, understanding and allowing … at least, so it is easy to see why so rapidly numbers are rising of those in despair.

Lately I find, the biggest harm is caused by all those never trained, never studied, no responsibility, let me share my own two cents as it was the Holy Grail kind of ‘influencers’, ‘celebrities’, ‘YouTubers’, ‘Tik-Tokers’ and so on. Many of them hardly over the legal age.

The other day a friend called me and said: ‘I just saw a Tik-Tok video and from it I learned I am demisexual so I am not normal’. ‘What the heck?’ was my reaction, I blew up.
Thankfully, my friend shared it as a kind of an amusement, she is intelligent and whatever shit/label won’t change her view of herself but really, what the crap is going on?!?!?

‘That is not normal’ … ‘this is unhealthy’ … ‘you should do this’ … ‘you have to feel that way’ … all this and many more gets declared continuously by above mentioned type of people. And sadly, many fall into those traps.

No, the Holy Grail is not in my hands, no, I am not the one to know it best either but I am old enough, learned enough, seen enough and confident enough to say, in most cases there is not one ‘true’ way to be, to do.
And when it comes to sexuality and sex then I absolutely know and preach that no one has the right to tell you who you are, how you are, what is best for you!
You describe yourself as you want to, do whatever feels good to you!
As long as you are not hurting anyone, as long as you do it with consenting adult partner/s, everyone else needs to simply shut up and mind their own business.

Labels, such as demisexual, asexual, graysexual, allosexual and all others are surely useful from some research and medical point of view but in everyday life these are mostly only have the effect to divide people, to beat a wedge between them.

Have or don’t sex, be soft or rough or keep mixing it, use or don’t any sex toys, do it with one or more gender, be adventurous or a safe player in it … whatever you do, you need to be wanting it, be happy with it, enjoying it!
What you don’t need is anyone else’s approval, allowing or labelling.

Label yourself if you want to but never take any of that shit from any other person but you.