Luxury or self-respect

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In a recent conversation with a friend, who is a professional photographer https://www.anitamegyesi.com/, she said: ‘you know, we, the coach and the photographer, we count as luxury, don’t you!?’

For a moment I was taken aback, so she started to explain her statement:
people have a kind of ranking of what needs to be paid first then second and so on.
Usually living expenses are on the top of the list, like rent, mortgage, utility bills, groceries, and anything that concerns self is at the bottom of it, if is on it at all.
So obviously photography and coaching are usually not even near to that list.

Her experience supports the ‘luxury’ theory, as she finds that people don’t have nice, well done, professional photos of themselves and/or of their family members so when comes an event, like preparation of a wedding, putting together a job application, organizing a funeral, launching a website, where a great photo would be needed, they usually are in trouble.

At the same time, photos are memories, very important pointers in/of life.
So much so, that in case of a disaster (fire, flood, war, … ) what people try to save among the first, are photos, photo albums.

Still, people look onto professional photo sessions as luxury.

Of course it doesn’t mean that such photo events need to happen yearly but by all means we agreed that time to time it is not only wise to have them but it is an amazing self-discovery journey, and a lots of fun too.
Needless to say, on the condition that one works with a photographer with whom they are on the same wavelength, who understands the subject and is supportive and helpful in bringing out the best of the client.

All in all a great professional photo session gives you the chance to surprise someone with something meaningful and lasting, it gives you a competent look on your website, CV or on any online platform, it will bring out your ‘best face’, it will be a memory for a lifetime.

And then, she said, coaching is the same.
The majority of people although struggle with smaller, bigger, less or more issues, somehow still don’t get around to work on themselves.
That – mentally and emotionally working on self – is also by many, looked upon as some kind of a fancy luxury.

Unfortunately I had to agree with Anita.

The funny thing though, is that in my experience, those who finally come to me to work on something, while in the process, at some point are saying ‘Wow!’ ‘Should have done this ages ago!’ ‘This helps a lot.’ ‘I really needed this.’ … and so on.

Coaching gets you a person – me, the coach – who’s non-judgemental attention is 100% on you, who will be in your corner;
it helps you to sort out some crap you’d been dealing with for some time;
it helps you to get to know yourself better;
it gets you to feel better;
it gets you to move forward;
it gets you to achieve more.

Well, the question is, are you a luxury for yourself?

Are your memories luxury?
Is your wellbeing a luxury?

Yes, both professional photography and coaching cost money. Maybe even a lot of money.

The question is though, how much in comparison would it cost if you had no photo to remember by, if you had stayed in that crap even longer that you are in already for too long.

If you kept neglecting those issues that keep you mentally, emotionally upset, drained, hurt.

When you don’t see yourself important enough to have some amazing photos taken of you, to take care of yourself.

Hard truth, but it all starts with yourself.

If professional photography and coaching are luxury, than it means you are a luxury item and so you deserve luxury.
Get yourself a fantastic photo session!
Get yourself a coach, get yourself coached!

Duck or rabbit?

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Here we are at the end of another year.
Don’t know about you but I for sure can say it was a trying one.
And as I look around me, with certainty I can say there are many joining this sentiment about 2023.
Let it be relationships, personal life, professional settings, economy, whatever segment of life, most had it in multiple areas this year, as well as felt it on their own skin what politics was up to.

The other day I had a discussion with an intelligent, open minded world citizen.
Among many, we touched on this subject too.
As we talked we got to the point when we established that we live in a dualistic world.
There is right or wrong, good or bad, nice or ugly, right or left, traditionalist or modernist, men lead world or female lead world, etc.
And the core of many, if not all, of the problems is that people are conditioned to always take side and defend theirs through thick and thin.

Think about it!
When in school, in a generally poor educational system, kids are pressured to study things word by word, not to ask questions but take things they hear from their teachers or read in their books as facts.
Then getting into the workforce where yet most employer are authoritarian, telling to employees to basically shut up and do as told, do not question the higher ups.
All these experiences of course filter into people’s private life, into their friendships, relationships and are very lucky if they didn’t experience such attitude already since their birth from their family too.

One is pressured to decide and stand by one or the other side in mostly everything.

Even Christmas food is in this category: panettone or pandoro, turkey or ham, Yorkshire pudding or mashed potatoes, fish or stuffed cabbage, meat or seafood, and this list is endless too😊

The believers, the committed ones of whichever side are constantly generating, fueling the arguments, disagreements, violent actions.
And I am not even talking about the extremists of any kind, as they make a very different category.

What could be a solution?
Allowing.

How about we allow the other person to say, to believe in, to live by whatever one chooses.
As long as it is not harmful to others.

Let’s be honest:
– if one is religious and the other isn’t that is not hurting either of them, they still could have an intelligent conversation, could be asking one another what makes them believe whatever they believe. They could learn from each other, they both could widen their worldviews
– if one is a left and the other is a right side voter that is not hurting either of them, they still could have an interesting conversation, could be asking one another what makes them vote as they do. They could learn from each other, they both could widen their worldviews
– if one is taking a side (in any subject) and the other sees pluses and minuses on both sides and is not ready, nor willing to take any of the sides, that is not hurting either of them, they still could have an exciting conversation, could be asking one another what makes them to form whatever opinion. They could learn from each other, they both could widen their worldviews.
– and if one is strictly a ham and the other is a turkey person, the same applies. No harm is done.

With all that we arrived to the over 100 years old question, duck or rabbit!?
‘Thomas Kuhn used the rabbit–duck illusion as a metaphor for revolutionary change in science, illustrating the way in which a paradigm shift could cause one to see the same information in an entirely different way.’ https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rabbit%E2%80%93duck_illusion
‘The duck/rabbit image is one of the most famous in philosophy, and it highlights a curious phenomenon called “aspect perception.” The philosopher Wittgenstein argued that objects often do not simply appear to our senses, but are “seen as” something. They arrive meaningfully in our understanding.’ https://bigthink.com/thinking/wittgenstein-duck-rabbit/

That drawing, simply said, is an optical illusion showing that it only depends on your perspective whether you see one or the other when you look at the picture.
It is a very simple tool to make everyone realize, that two, or even more things can be true, can be right at the same time.
Views only may differ due to perspective!

So the very simple and highly effective solution in any and all questions/subjects can be if we ALLOW each other to be, to think, to believe as each want to.

Be open, be curious, don’t let yourself be fooled, nor pressured.
And with all that, I wish you a healthy, happy, abundant, loving, allowing New Year!
A happy 2024 to all!

Mental health

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Mental health is a hot topic.
There are conferences, videos, researches, summits happening, articles and opinions are on every possible platform over the Internet.
Many are amazing sources of information, knowledge, help, and some are doing nothing more than add to the harm.

Yesterday I heard a sentence that hit me hard, and triggered me to write this post.

Must start by saying, I am not a doctor, so what follows is my opinion and what I am about to say are rooting from my studies and experiences as a coach, as someone who met an extreme amount of people in her life through work, what I see and realized around me both on- and offline, and what I learned, realized, discovered about myself.

It is a huge subject so there is a fair chance of me not touching on something that affects/concerns/bothers you personally.
It does not mean on any level that I invalidate that, or you.

With all that said, here it comes.

Mental health is not a new age woo-woo.
Mental health is not something that the weak came up with to ‘use as cover’.
Mental health is not a luxury of the rich.
Mental health is not a privilege.

Mental health is a hot topic because it, and its effects on life in general were ignored for the longest time.
Mental health is a hot topic because the stigma on mental illnesses finally started to get dismantled.
Mental health is a hot topic because by now one in four people are affected by it at some point in their lives, and one out of two will develop one in their lifetime.
Not to mention that everyone has some moments when some form of support would benefit their mental health.

How is that even possible, you may ask.
Well, let’s see: life is getting faster and faster (at least in the so called civilized world); changes are daily occurrences; we are constantly bombarded with information; basically anyone is able to see, hear anything anywhere in the world in real time with the help of modern technology; social media gives opportunity to anyone to show anything and pretend it is real; work is often way more stressful than it could be considered reasonable, … no wonder that mental health is declining as the human brain was not designed to deal with all that and more.

Stress, anxiety, depression, bipolar disorder, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), dissociative disorders, attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), obsessive-compulsive disorders (OCD), … and so on are diagnosed in more and more people.
And 1 in 5 people have suicidal thoughts and over 700.000 people (that is 1 person in every 40 seconds) die of suicide yearly.

When you are at a certain age and you look back you might think, or at any age you are you might have heard people saying ‘back in my time there were none of these stuff present”.
The truth of the matter is, they were present, only neuroscience and psychology were not where they are at today.
A decade and more back in time people were just labelled as crazy, lazy, strange, or were simply dismissed as simulants.

Nowadays as researches, studies and personal experiences are growing in numbers on the subject, it finally has the platforms where it is addressed not only that what mental illness means and what the different illnesses are, but also the consequences on personal life, sex life, work and physical illnesses too.

The sentence I heard yesterday was by Mel Robbins addressed to a girl about her suicidal thoughts: ‘you didn’t want to die, you just didn’t want to feel what you felt’.

Woah! Ain’t that the truth!?!

To feel bad, sad, useless, unloved, unsuccessful, lonely, cheated by life, a burden on others, see no way to change the course of events, and which ever feelings in whatever combination, it gets too much for the person and feels suicide is the only option left for them.
Because who would want to feel these feelings?
Of course, nobody!

Mental illness is nothing to be shameful about!
Also having bad days, bad periods in one’s life is normal, nothing to feel shame about it either, not to mention that such periods don’t necessarily equal to any illness either.

Let’s normalize having bad days; let’s normalize asking ‘do you want to talk?’ when we see a friend/relative/colleague being down; let’s stop judging and throwing dismissive comments; let’s agree that everyone’s feelings are valid.

The only way to turn around this tendency is if we take care of ourselves more, if we respect our feelings more, ask for some kind of help when feeling down; if we pay more attention to each other at work, at home, among friends and neighbours.

Also, let’s normalize ‘no’ as a full answer.
You are allowed, you can say it to anyone in any situation if this is what you want to say.
On the other hand, you must take it and understand it if this is the answer you get.

The sentiment of ‘be kind to everyone, you never know what battle they are fighting’ had never been more true.
And especially now, when ‘the season’ is here.
Understand that for some this is the most difficult time of the year.
Be kind, be loving but as the bare minimum, quit being an insensitive, judgy creep.

When the puzzle falls apart

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There are times in life when you find yourself in situations where you have no idea how did you get there, why did you get there.
There are times in life when you have no idea what you should be doing, in which direction should you be going, what could be your next best move.
There are times in life when someone asks you what’s going on with you, and you answer: nothing. Only that nothing includes so many not so significant bits, that you wouldn’t even know where to start if you wanted to list everything.

Possibly you had experienced such feelings already.

Yes, this was my summer, my past nearly 5 months of 2023 … and it was not the first time in my life for this to happen either.

This time it went like this:
I had an idea that I entertained for a while, got a boost about it through an intuition, so made it into a plan, moved along working on it to bring it to life (called, asked, discussed, planned, scheduled, worked out the details, …), everything was coming together smoothly, all seemed like the Universe had laid out the red carpet.
In the process I had packed up my life (the travelling circus, as I call it), moved away 2.000 kilometres to another Country where I was supposed to carry out the project.

All seemed like the Universe had laid out the red carpet … until it didn’t!

Since about a week after my arrival it had all fell through completely and I found myself with no project.
That meant that the income I planned with was not happening, the accommodation that was tied with the project is not there anymore, so basically my being in the Country became a question of what the heck am I even doing there.

After the initial complete confusion, eventually I remembered a sentence from Soren Kierkegaard: ‘Life can only be understood backwards, but it must be lived forwards.’
And as this statement had proved to be true over and over again in my life already, I let life flow as it wanted to, and move forward somehow.

Now, that nearly 5 months had passed, I looked back and started to see things why I needed to get where I am at.
In this time I faced situations that made me realize that I had some more things and people in my life what and whom I needed to let go of. It was somewhat surprising, some of it deeply painful but as I have been working on my letting go muscles a lot in the past 4,5 years, it was not overly difficult, so it is already done.
Had the chance to meet some people in person whom before this summer I only knew through voice and video calls and those meetings were great.
Wanted some more tattoos and I am lucky that the artist I wanted to do them could fit me into his busy schedule after me becoming time abundant.
Had the pleasure of experiencing some amazing body works of different modalities, one of them even helped me to get rid of my cat and dog hair allergies.
Got into a couple of situations that I can’t explain otherwise than the Universe put me there and then, and had me do what it wanted me to do.

And I experienced some completely unexpected kindness, openness, care and love too.

So yes. None of it went as planned, none of it was in my calendar, none had to do anything with my original coming here, yet I learned, I adjusted, I cried, I laughed, I worked, I bitched, I lived, and ultimately I got grateful for it all.

No, my plans are not clear as of what is next.
Yes, I have some ideas.
No, I have nothing set in stone.
Yes, I am open and curious to see how things unfold.
No, I didn’t write this for you to feel sorry for me, or be concerned with me and my life.

Yes, I wrote it to tell you, if you ever face any unforeseen changes, uncertainty, pain or feeling of being lost in life, try to be open to the option that the Universe (God, angels, fate, life, whatever you believe in) has greater, bigger, better plans for you than those what you had in mind, and all will unfold if you let it, and that you can and you will come out stronger of whatever you are going through, and all have a meaning in the end.

And yes, I urge you to believe that the best of it is still ahead of you!

Also, I know way too well that such inspirational words sometimes have the effect of ‘yeah, I heard it all already; yeah, I know, I am sick of it; I need something ‘real’’.

I hear you!
Been through that too.

All I can tell you is that when all tangible feels like falling apart around you, when your logical brain can’t make any sense of anything that are happing around you, that is the time when you must have faith the most.

Faith in yourself that you are able to get through it all;
faith in that at some point in the future when looking back, all will make sense;
faith in whatever you believe in, that there are ‘helpers’ out there who are watching out for you;
faith in that change is the only constant component of life, so whatever situation you might find yourself in, will change;
faith in that you will be okay.

Breathe.
Take one step at a time.
You’ve got this.
I believe in you!

How not to be obtuse

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The Internet is a great thing.
With its help we can stay in contact with one another even across the world, we can find out any information in a few minutes, we can watch movies, listen to music, have a look at basically any location of the world, and so on.

And exactly this is the drawback of it too.
In a few minutes you can find any kind of an information and its 180-degree contradictory one too.

Books are amazing.
Only whatever is in them is through the writer’s filters.

Unfortunately, many people who read something on the internet, in a paper or in a book, hear things on the news, by certain people in certain positions, they believe it without a shadow of a doubt, basically taking everything on face value without ever questioning it, looking behind it, checking facts, or just using common sense.

‘Americans are frank and direct in dealings with others.
Spaniards are more open to chat than most other European cultures.
Germans do not admit faults, even jokingly, and rarely hand out compliments.
Australians have an easy-going, friendly attitude.
Chinese people are very modest and not accustomed to show their feelings in public.’

Above five statements are all from the internet.

Due to my travels and dealings with people of many different nationalities, I can say I had quite contrasting experiences too, with people from the above-mentioned Countries.

Along these lines, I must say, not all religious people are fanatics; not all gay men wear shiny, glittery clothes; not all men are a threat to women, or to kids; not all atheists live without values; not all women want kids; not all old people are grumpy; not all young people are irresponsible; not all homeless people are alcoholic and/or drug addicts; not all Jews are rich; not all black people are criminals; not all politicians are stupid without an idea of the real world; … and so on.

And this is where travel and face to face communication come into the picture.

When you travel you see, hear, experience with your own eyes, ears, senses, brain.
It is, in my view, always the most reliable source of making up your own opinion.

Like you saw photos of that gorgeous beach, but you won’t know till you get there that it is only a hundred meters out of the whole stretch, the rest is stony, dirty, neglected.
You were told that city is gorgeous, very romantic, only when you get there will you see its streets are full of trash.
You read reviews of a place that were not the least bit enthusiastic, said it was a plain, boring one. Only when you get there can you find that it has some unique, hidden gems that was well worth your time and money.

Of course, it works like this not only with locations.

Exactly the same applies to people, cultures, traditions.
To everything really.
Okay, maybe not so much so to science.

They told you, you read that ‘those’ people are ‘bad’.
First of all, it is a generalization.
There are no nationalities, minorities, believers of whatever, pursuers of any profession, people of the same sexuality, of the same age group, of the same gender … in which all the people of that given group are the same.
Even though the general narrative suggests they are.

Do not fall for it.

Get out of your own tiny bubble, talk to people, ask questions, connect, and travel.
Even if it is within your own Country, you already will have a wider view.
With 100 percent certainty I can say, you will have some ‘wow’ moments.

In general, before you accept anyone’s opinion on anybody, on any kind of a group of people, have some personal experiences.
Talk to some of those people, ask questions, communicate.

The easiest, and often the most harmful is just blindly, deafly, mindlessly believe what others tell you on anybody, or on any group of people.

Especially because it can vary from silly gossip to a biased opinion, to a purposefully damaging statement, to declaring whatever in order to support the agenda of the person saying it.

So please, use your mind, your common sense, filter such ‘facts’ through your experiences and form your own opinion.
Be open and willing to discussions.

Be kind, be caring, be allowing, lead with love.
Let’s be a part of forming a better, safer world for all of us.

Your fucking truth

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Although I always have a lot what I want to say, to write, somehow today I just couldn’t come up with the right words.
Kept trying, wrote something, then something else but I didn’t like any of them.
In my upsetness with myself I started to roam around the internet.
And suddenly, this popped up in front of me.

Read it.
And I was like, YES, this is it.
This is what I am saying, trying to get across to all who would listen.
This is all what everything is about.
Simply perfect.
I have nothing to add, nothing to explain.
Amazingly written, raw, real, authentic, dare I say, life changing piece.
Just read it:

 

TELL YOUR FUCKING TRUTH
by Jeff Foster  https://www.lifewithoutacentre.com/

I have seen miracles happen, when people just tell the truth.

Not the ‘nice’ truth.
Not the truth that seeks to please or comfort.
But the wild truth. The feral truth.
The inconvenient truth.
The tantric truth. The ‘fucking’ truth.

The truth you’re afraid to tell.
The horrible truth about yourself
that you hide in order to ‘protect’ others.
To avoid being ‘too much’.
To avoid being shamed and rejected.
To avoid being seen.

The truth of your deepest feelings:
The rage you have been concealing, controlling, pasting over.
The terrors you do not want to speak.
The sexual urges you’ve been trying to numb.
The primal longings you cannot bear to articulate.

Finally, the defences break down,
and this ‘unsafe’ material emerges
from deep within the unconscious.
You can’t hold it back anymore.
The image of the ‘good boy’ or ‘nice girl’ evaporates.
The ‘perfect one’, the ‘one who has it all figured out’,
the ‘evolved one’, these images burn.

You tremble, you sweat, you come close to vomiting,
you think you might die doing it,
but finally you tell the fucking truth,
the truth you are deeply ashamed of.

Not the abstract truth. Not the ‘spiritual’ truth.
Not a carefully-worded truth designed to prevent offence.
Not a neatly-packaged truth.
But a messy, fiery, sloppy human truth.
A bloody, passionate, provocative, sensual,
untamed and unvarnished mortal truth.
A shaky, sticky, sweaty, vulnerable truth.

The truth of how you feel.
The truth that lets another person see you in the raw.
The truth that makes one gasp.
The truth that makes your heart pound.

This is the truth that will set you free.

I have seen chronic depressions and life-long anxieties lift overnight.
I have seen deeply embedded traumas evaporate.
I have seen fibromyalgia, life-long migraines, chronic fatigue, unbearable back pain, bodily tension, stomach disorders, vanish, never to return.

Of course, the ‘side-effects’ of truth aren’t always this dramatic.
And we don’t step into our truth with a result in mind.
But think of the massive amounts of energy it must take
to repress our animal wildness,
numb our feral nature,
suppress our rage, tears and terror,
uphold a false image, and pretend to be ‘okay’.
Think of all the tension we hold in the body,
and the damage it does to our immune systems,
when we live in fear of ‘coming out’.

Take the risk of telling your truth.
The truth you are afraid to tell.
The truth you fear will make the world run.
Find a safe person – a friend, a therapist, a counsellor, yourself –
and let them in. Let them hold you as you break down.
Let them love on you
as you weep, rage, quake with fear,
and generally make a mess.

Tell your fucking truth to someone – it might just save your life, heal you from deep within, and connect you to humanity in ways you never imagined.

Tolerance – a rare virtue

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It is not the first time when I feel as I am from another planet.
When I come across, experience something that I, although putting in the effort to see it from different angles, can’t make sense of, don’t understand it at all, then I get this feeling, surely I am an ‘alien’.

Now it got me about reading/hearing some news from the US.

So, let’s talk about tolerance.
Although I don’t think those of you reading me are having a problem knowing what it means, but just to be thorough, here is the definition of this word:
‘The ability or willingness to tolerate something, in particular the existence of opinions or behaviour that one dislikes or disagrees with.’

The news from the US is, that now they are after drag shows and also are putting out restrictions against trans people.
The lawmakers claim, it is in defence of children.
Drag shows are forbidden to happen on public places, or in the presence of children.
At the same time they banned transgender minors to receive gender affirming care.
These are already laws signed into effect in some states.

No experts were listened to, no arguments against were accepted.

In addition, I find it disgusting how children get used in order to support some lawmaker’s fear/ignorance/identity crisis.
What I mean is, that whomever started against trans people and drag queens, I am sure has one or some combination of the mentioned 3 options.
Especially, that when it comes to child molestation, child abuse, statistics show that those are mainly committed by white, Christian (on paper), straight man. You know, teachers, priests, respected members of society.
Not once was it a drag queen.

Not too long ago the same law makers were all over, and ‘inside’ of women’s bodies by banning abortion.
Also saying, it is in defence of children.

Strange, isn’t it!?
As for example, there, in the US, statistics say, 12 children die daily due to gun violence.
Yet there is not even a slight hint that some laws would change and that, let’s say, buying a gun would be made more difficult than to buy a loaf of bread.

All that, to me, makes it crystal clear that children are simply used in order to get some (not too smart, narrow minded) people on their side.

So, how does tolerance come into the picture?

As I said above, I am 100% sure, those people starting such laws are without knowledge of what they are talking about so they are ignorant, or they are having some knowledge but no full understanding and have fear of the different, and of course there are those who have an identity crisis as they do have certain feelings/emotions but have no idea how to deal with those.
So they lash out.
Only, unfortunately they have the power to make laws.
And with such laws they are hoping to gain citizens to support them, to keep them in power.

The big problem here though is that those supporters, and the ones making such laws are not seeing the big picture. And that is not unique to the US, it is a worldwide story.
Such people don’t see the big picture, the historical picture, the shit that had already happened, that were all caused by intolerance.
One can go back in history as far or as recent as one wants, there are countless examples.
Atheists were targets, Christians, Jews, Muslims, Buddhists were targets, black people, indigenous people, ill people, people with knowledge of natural remedies, different ethnicities, those with different political views were already targets at one or more times in history, this list is endless.

What amazes me is that how people don’t realise that winds can turn anytime, that means one can fall into a target category in a split second.
All, because some politician/leader have some personal dislike or issue with certain type of people or use it as a tactic to cover up other, huge problems, and have the power/money to start a war (literal of figurative) against them.
And thousands/hundreds of thousands/millions follow them in the false hope that by supporting that particular ‘war’ will save them to be a target in a possible next one.

It is impossible to understand, know and agree with everyone in this world and that is just natural, that is normal, and no one is expected to.
But not understanding, not knowing someone, not agreeing with someone does not give the right to anyone to wipe out, to cancel those people.

Especially that certain things are simply because of nature/genes/biology.
Others are a choice and because every human being is blessed with free will and at most part of the world are able to use it, can make their own choices.

So next time when your intolerance gets to the level of active hatred, to exclusionary bullshit, just think for a moment, you can be next!

Who knows what the next agenda is going to be!?
Might be because of wearing or not wearing something, because of believing in or not believing in something, because of any part of your physical appearance, because of what kind of a pet you have or don’t have, because who do you love, how do you love, because of how and/or how often you have sex, because of what colour you like or dislike … it can be anything!
Hate can be generated easily about whatever, in a pretty short time.

The only cure, in my opinion, is to understand that we are all human beings, the only differentiation that is legit, is whether one is a good or a bad person.
Anything else is an artificially generated, power and money driven crap.

The more people understand this, the more people start to practice tolerance, the more difficult it will be for certain powers to push people around to serve their egos.

Please understand, a different colour, belief system, origin, sexual orientation, gender identity, or different anything is only that, different!
It has no real effect on you, on your life.

When you get triggered by someone or something and it pushes you into an intolerant thinking and/or behaviour, or you find yourself believing what you were told/indoctrinated by, just stop for a moment, and look into yourself.
What has triggered you?
Could it be that you are jealous of that difference, because deep down you know you want to be like that, only you don’t dare? Or your communication skills are lacking and instead of asking, or of looking for facts (not opinions!) about that difference, you simply get defensive and dismissive? Or is it a doctrine you were brought up with by your family and you simply keep carrying it without ever examining its truth?
Oh so many times it is something within, that makes you to be intolerant.
When you realise that, you can start working on yourself and find your power in thinking for yourself, deciding, forming an opinion for yourself, and not just run with what was fed to you.

You don’t have to like, nor agree, just let everyone be, tolerate their differences, so in return, you have the right to be yourself too and can expect to be tolerated by others too.

Tolerance is a step towards a more harmonious, kinder, better world.

Think, chill, enjoy, love!
Be one of the good people!

Sex and facts

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Sex is good. Sex is beneficial to the body and the mind. Sex is fun. Sex is joy. Sex is connection.
Human beings by design are sexual beings.
For a person of any gender to have sex with one or more legally aged, consenting adult/s of any gender is a personal choice and it has nothing to do with anyone else, it is no business of anyone else.
And if one decides to live without sex that is okay too.

Some good things about sex that often are overlooked are what I want to tell you about here.

So, let’s get the negative out of the way first.
Sex is not evil. Sex is not ugly. Sex is not harmful.
People are.

When a person decides to have/force sex with anyone who does not consent to it and/or is under legal age, that is not sex ‘what’ is doing it.
It is a bad/irresponsible/sick person who made a decision to carry out an act against someone else.
Take that person to justice, punish that person, get that person out of society. In some cases when it is an actual mental disorder, have that person treated by professional therapists, doctors – if possible.

So now that the basics are out of the way, let’s get to the good stuff.

Some science backed benefits of having sex:
– reduces stress and anxiety – in the body it decreases the level of cortisol (stress hormone) and produces dopamine (substance fighting stress hormone) and endorphin (happiness hormone)
– boosts mood and self-confidence as it releases endorphins
– increases libido as it increases the oxytocin (love hormone) level
– improves memory
– burns calories
– boosts the immune system
– improves sleep
– lowers blood pressure and helps prevent heart disease
– relieves pain
– strengthens pelvic floor muscles in women
– regulates menstrual cycle (sex regulates hormones so it helps in regulating the cycle)
– reduces the risk of prostate cancer in men (without ejaculation the fluid stays in, causing various problems)
– can help pass kidney stones
– increases life expectancy – healthy heart, stronger muscles, better blood circulation, plus a state of happiness

Sex not only has plenty of health benefits of course, but in a relationship, sex is an amazing tool to get to know one another more, to give joy and pleasure to your partner, to be playful, to experiment, to try new/different things, to strengthen the bond, to have more intimacy.

Of course, as one’s sexual likes, dislikes and needs change through the years in order to have an ongoingly mutually satisfying sex life, you must have an ongoing communication about it.
Don’t overcomplicate it, just say what you want.
Hardly ever happens that your partner is a mind reader so you saying s/he should know by now is one of the stupidest things you can do.

Also!
Don’t take sex too seriously!
Do whatever you both/all agree on, you need no outsider’s approval to your sex life.
Try, laugh, do, enjoy!
More, and again, and again, and some more.

Communication tripping stones

/in , , /by

The other day I posted a comment on Facebook.
The original post was nicely written and with a question to all who cared to answer, and as you could guess it, some of the answers were not written with goodwill, and some were not even on the subject.
So, after reading them all, I wrote this (slightly edited version here):

‘Here is how I see it (nothing personal, it is what I am seeing, experiencing in general, so if it is not you, then just don’t take offence): we all are expats in here.
It is not England, it is not the US, it is not any other place.
Here people are differently socialized, have different culture, different taste in food, different in many ways.
When you are complaining that the English breakfast at place xyz is served with not English sausage, than it is your problem, not the establishment’s.
As I see it, many places are trying to accommodate your wanting a homey feeling away home, only it seems it is not enough for you … so maybe just pack your bitter soul and go back home, where everything is as you got used to, everything is as you want it to be.
On the other hand, many things are similar.
Like when you go in to a place and you smile and greet the people working in there, they will appreciate it.
When a door was closed, you went in and you don’t close it, so the staff or other patrons have to close it behind you, they won’t be happy.
When you don’t speak the local language and you don’t even ask if they can help you in English, you just assume they can’t and walk away upset because they didn’t speak to you automatically in English, locals will not be happy either.
For many some more common sense, understanding of where you are, a bit more effort to fit in wouldn’t hurt.
And when you don’t like how life is here then just move on.
Have no right to expect the locals to change into English or American or whatever other ways.’

And then someone answered this to me:
‘Please think about not using the word expat – it’s outdated, post-colonial and politically insensitive. I for one do not identify with this narrative. We are all immigrants.’

My answer to him was:
‘English is not my first language, so I checked the Oxford Dictionary:
expat – a person who lives outside their native Country
immigrant – a person who comes to live permanently in a foreign Country’

He never replied to this one.

And I wasn’t even adding this from Wikipedia:
‘An expatriate is a person who resides outside their native country. In common usage, the term often refers to educated professionals, skilled workers, or artists taking positions outside their home country, either independently or sent abroad by their employers.’

The https://www.expat.com/ website was built exactly for such people. Now with over 3.200.000 members, it is helping all those expats all over the world to find their ways easier in their new location, to connect with others, to have a better experience.
And none seem to have an issue with the term: expat.

Why am I bringing all this here, into a blog post?
Because it shows some (unfortunately) usual communication glitches.

One is being, although I wrote quite a bit, and yes, it was about expats/immigrants but not about how they are called, but their behaviour was the subject which he ignored completely.
He decided to pick one word that he didn’t agree with and comment on that.
Nothing about the original question, nothing about my answer to it.
This is a typical case of non-comprehension of a text.

And this is a reason why you are never responsible for what people understand of what you say or write, as they will perceive it on their own level of understanding, knowledge, openness.
Now this guy is a stranger to me, so I don’t mind him not getting the real meaning of what I wrote.
Plus he unintentionally provided the idea for this blog post 😉

Of course, when you feel someone who is important to you didn’t get what you were really saying or writing, then by all means try to explain it with different words, try using a different angle to make yourself understood.
Communication is vital in life in general, communication is vital in a relationship.
So when you want someone to get you, then you have to put in the effort to help them tune in to your logic, your ways of seeing things.
And of course, you have to be open to accept their different logic and different ways of seeing things.
The aim is to find that magical place where you both (all) feel heard, paid attention to, respected and understood.

The other thing for me, is that he says he does not approve of my choice of word, so he ‘corrects’ it and uses his preferred word ‘we all are immigrants’.
With this he basically declared that I was wrong, and he is right.
Thinks him.
But even the dictionary does not support him.

So, this brings me to say, that next time when you don’t ‘approve’ or ‘agree’ with someone’s choice of word or opinion, you simply say (if you must) that you have another preferred word instead, that you have a different opinion.

Because regardless of whatever, whenever, wherever, you are entitled to choose your own words, to have your own opinion.
You are entitled to have one that is different to the majority’s, that is unpopular, that is rare, that is unique.
What you are, on the other hand, never entitled to, is to cancel someone else’s words, or opinion just because you don’t like it, you don’t approve of it.

Kindness, mutual respect, acceptance, open heart and open mind.
Values worth having, values worth practicing.
In my opinion.

Is cheating inevitable?

/in , , , /by

Lately all the tabloids and social media platforms are full of the stories around the new songs of Shakira, BZRP Music Sessions #53 ( https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CocEMWdc7Ck ) and Miley Cyrus, Flowers ( https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G7KNmW9a75Y  ).
Both singers were pouring their thoughts, pain, anger about being cheated on into their respective songs.
These instances only show being cheated on can happen to anyone, and that anyone can become a cheater at any level of the ‘social ladder’. No position, no money, no fame, no nothing makes anyone protected against it.

Cheating is so common that even a site/app was made to help all those who are looking for some discreet spice outside of their existing relationship. https://www.ashleymadison.com/ is up and running since 2001 and claims to have 75 million members worldwide.
Their ‘moto’ is: ‘Life is short. Have an affair.’

No judgement. All people can do as they please.
Just of course know, and be ready for that your actions have possible/inevitable consequences.
No whining when shit hits the fan, please.

The psychology of cheating is way more complex than as if it was just about sex.
Reasons behind cheating can be:
– anger: one wants to ‘payback’ for the other’s cheating, or as a revenge after a serious argument
– self-esteem issues: through cheating one wants to feel better about themselves, or want to feel more independence, autonomy through it
– lack of feeling love: from both angles, like one doesn’t feel loved or one is not sure about loving their partner and wants to ’check’ it
– frustration: there are unsolved issues in the relationship, but one wants to avoid conflict and searches for relief outside
– needing some variety: basically, that person is just not cut out for a monogamous relationship
– neglect: emotionally and/or sexually feeling abandoned
– at times it is so called situational: when one is drunk or overwhelmed by outside stressors and so are not thinking straight and are just taken by the flow of things
–  sex: because of sexual differences, like one need way more than the partner is willing to give, or one denies certain acts that would be important/pleasurable for the other and so on.

Actually, I believe there are situations when an ‘outside’ connection can even help the relationship to thrive.
Like when one of the partners become sexually incapable to perform maybe due to an illness or accident, but the other partner still has such needs. So, they discuss, agree on and the one with needs goes and have discreet liaisons.
… fair enough, that is no cheating anymore as long as it stays within the discussed and agreed on frames.

The bottom line is, as always, that in order to have a great, mutually satisfying long term relationship, ongoing, honest communication is a must!

When you are not discussing all the surfacing issues, when you are not listening to each other, when you fall into too many assumptions instead of asking questions, when you are not showing your commitment towards each other, when you are not open, vulnerable, caring, loving, interested and invested in each other but there are logistic reasons and/or excuses like lifestyle, children, financial situation, family expectations, whatever not, why one or both of you decide to rather just keep quiet and get on with it, then by all means, do not be surprised when cheating occurs.

If nothing made you to take care of your relationship earlier, if nothing pushed you to solve the issues, or make a move, then let me tell you this: after cheating most of the couples break up!
Most means as high as 80% of the couples are not making it.

They are not making it because on top of all the things that had not been dealt with and led to the cheating, now here is the question of if trust can be rebuilt, if the cheated on can forgive and truly let go of it and not keep bringing it up and pointing fingers at any signs of problems from there on.

And in about 80% of the cases, it is not working out.

So maybe you want to give it another thought, whether wouldn’t it be less painful, less messy, less degrading if you now decided to put more effort into your relationship (only of course if you want to keep having it and enjoy it at its best, to the fullest) and have some deep, detailed, heart to heart talk with your partner and start working for each other, than keep going as is and might face the damaging effects of a cheating.

Love, trust, care, intimacy is worth working for.

You know what you want, go for it!