Duck or rabbit?

/in , , , , /by

Here we are at the end of another year.
Don’t know about you but I for sure can say it was a trying one.
And as I look around me, with certainty I can say there are many joining this sentiment about 2023.
Let it be relationships, personal life, professional settings, economy, whatever segment of life, most had it in multiple areas this year, as well as felt it on their own skin what politics was up to.

The other day I had a discussion with an intelligent, open minded world citizen.
Among many, we touched on this subject too.
As we talked we got to the point when we established that we live in a dualistic world.
There is right or wrong, good or bad, nice or ugly, right or left, traditionalist or modernist, men lead world or female lead world, etc.
And the core of many, if not all, of the problems is that people are conditioned to always take side and defend theirs through thick and thin.

Think about it!
When in school, in a generally poor educational system, kids are pressured to study things word by word, not to ask questions but take things they hear from their teachers or read in their books as facts.
Then getting into the workforce where yet most employer are authoritarian, telling to employees to basically shut up and do as told, do not question the higher ups.
All these experiences of course filter into people’s private life, into their friendships, relationships and are very lucky if they didn’t experience such attitude already since their birth from their family too.

One is pressured to decide and stand by one or the other side in mostly everything.

Even Christmas food is in this category: panettone or pandoro, turkey or ham, Yorkshire pudding or mashed potatoes, fish or stuffed cabbage, meat or seafood, and this list is endless too😊

The believers, the committed ones of whichever side are constantly generating, fueling the arguments, disagreements, violent actions.
And I am not even talking about the extremists of any kind, as they make a very different category.

What could be a solution?
Allowing.

How about we allow the other person to say, to believe in, to live by whatever one chooses.
As long as it is not harmful to others.

Let’s be honest:
– if one is religious and the other isn’t that is not hurting either of them, they still could have an intelligent conversation, could be asking one another what makes them believe whatever they believe. They could learn from each other, they both could widen their worldviews
– if one is a left and the other is a right side voter that is not hurting either of them, they still could have an interesting conversation, could be asking one another what makes them vote as they do. They could learn from each other, they both could widen their worldviews
– if one is taking a side (in any subject) and the other sees pluses and minuses on both sides and is not ready, nor willing to take any of the sides, that is not hurting either of them, they still could have an exciting conversation, could be asking one another what makes them to form whatever opinion. They could learn from each other, they both could widen their worldviews.
– and if one is strictly a ham and the other is a turkey person, the same applies. No harm is done.

With all that we arrived to the over 100 years old question, duck or rabbit!?
‘Thomas Kuhn used the rabbit–duck illusion as a metaphor for revolutionary change in science, illustrating the way in which a paradigm shift could cause one to see the same information in an entirely different way.’ https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rabbit%E2%80%93duck_illusion
‘The duck/rabbit image is one of the most famous in philosophy, and it highlights a curious phenomenon called “aspect perception.” The philosopher Wittgenstein argued that objects often do not simply appear to our senses, but are “seen as” something. They arrive meaningfully in our understanding.’ https://bigthink.com/thinking/wittgenstein-duck-rabbit/

That drawing, simply said, is an optical illusion showing that it only depends on your perspective whether you see one or the other when you look at the picture.
It is a very simple tool to make everyone realize, that two, or even more things can be true, can be right at the same time.
Views only may differ due to perspective!

So the very simple and highly effective solution in any and all questions/subjects can be if we ALLOW each other to be, to think, to believe as each want to.

Be open, be curious, don’t let yourself be fooled, nor pressured.
And with all that, I wish you a healthy, happy, abundant, loving, allowing New Year!
A happy 2024 to all!

Tolerance – a rare virtue

/in , , /by

It is not the first time when I feel as I am from another planet.
When I come across, experience something that I, although putting in the effort to see it from different angles, can’t make sense of, don’t understand it at all, then I get this feeling, surely I am an ‘alien’.

Now it got me about reading/hearing some news from the US.

So, let’s talk about tolerance.
Although I don’t think those of you reading me are having a problem knowing what it means, but just to be thorough, here is the definition of this word:
‘The ability or willingness to tolerate something, in particular the existence of opinions or behaviour that one dislikes or disagrees with.’

The news from the US is, that now they are after drag shows and also are putting out restrictions against trans people.
The lawmakers claim, it is in defence of children.
Drag shows are forbidden to happen on public places, or in the presence of children.
At the same time they banned transgender minors to receive gender affirming care.
These are already laws signed into effect in some states.

No experts were listened to, no arguments against were accepted.

In addition, I find it disgusting how children get used in order to support some lawmaker’s fear/ignorance/identity crisis.
What I mean is, that whomever started against trans people and drag queens, I am sure has one or some combination of the mentioned 3 options.
Especially, that when it comes to child molestation, child abuse, statistics show that those are mainly committed by white, Christian (on paper), straight man. You know, teachers, priests, respected members of society.
Not once was it a drag queen.

Not too long ago the same law makers were all over, and ‘inside’ of women’s bodies by banning abortion.
Also saying, it is in defence of children.

Strange, isn’t it!?
As for example, there, in the US, statistics say, 12 children die daily due to gun violence.
Yet there is not even a slight hint that some laws would change and that, let’s say, buying a gun would be made more difficult than to buy a loaf of bread.

All that, to me, makes it crystal clear that children are simply used in order to get some (not too smart, narrow minded) people on their side.

So, how does tolerance come into the picture?

As I said above, I am 100% sure, those people starting such laws are without knowledge of what they are talking about so they are ignorant, or they are having some knowledge but no full understanding and have fear of the different, and of course there are those who have an identity crisis as they do have certain feelings/emotions but have no idea how to deal with those.
So they lash out.
Only, unfortunately they have the power to make laws.
And with such laws they are hoping to gain citizens to support them, to keep them in power.

The big problem here though is that those supporters, and the ones making such laws are not seeing the big picture. And that is not unique to the US, it is a worldwide story.
Such people don’t see the big picture, the historical picture, the shit that had already happened, that were all caused by intolerance.
One can go back in history as far or as recent as one wants, there are countless examples.
Atheists were targets, Christians, Jews, Muslims, Buddhists were targets, black people, indigenous people, ill people, people with knowledge of natural remedies, different ethnicities, those with different political views were already targets at one or more times in history, this list is endless.

What amazes me is that how people don’t realise that winds can turn anytime, that means one can fall into a target category in a split second.
All, because some politician/leader have some personal dislike or issue with certain type of people or use it as a tactic to cover up other, huge problems, and have the power/money to start a war (literal of figurative) against them.
And thousands/hundreds of thousands/millions follow them in the false hope that by supporting that particular ‘war’ will save them to be a target in a possible next one.

It is impossible to understand, know and agree with everyone in this world and that is just natural, that is normal, and no one is expected to.
But not understanding, not knowing someone, not agreeing with someone does not give the right to anyone to wipe out, to cancel those people.

Especially that certain things are simply because of nature/genes/biology.
Others are a choice and because every human being is blessed with free will and at most part of the world are able to use it, can make their own choices.

So next time when your intolerance gets to the level of active hatred, to exclusionary bullshit, just think for a moment, you can be next!

Who knows what the next agenda is going to be!?
Might be because of wearing or not wearing something, because of believing in or not believing in something, because of any part of your physical appearance, because of what kind of a pet you have or don’t have, because who do you love, how do you love, because of how and/or how often you have sex, because of what colour you like or dislike … it can be anything!
Hate can be generated easily about whatever, in a pretty short time.

The only cure, in my opinion, is to understand that we are all human beings, the only differentiation that is legit, is whether one is a good or a bad person.
Anything else is an artificially generated, power and money driven crap.

The more people understand this, the more people start to practice tolerance, the more difficult it will be for certain powers to push people around to serve their egos.

Please understand, a different colour, belief system, origin, sexual orientation, gender identity, or different anything is only that, different!
It has no real effect on you, on your life.

When you get triggered by someone or something and it pushes you into an intolerant thinking and/or behaviour, or you find yourself believing what you were told/indoctrinated by, just stop for a moment, and look into yourself.
What has triggered you?
Could it be that you are jealous of that difference, because deep down you know you want to be like that, only you don’t dare? Or your communication skills are lacking and instead of asking, or of looking for facts (not opinions!) about that difference, you simply get defensive and dismissive? Or is it a doctrine you were brought up with by your family and you simply keep carrying it without ever examining its truth?
Oh so many times it is something within, that makes you to be intolerant.
When you realise that, you can start working on yourself and find your power in thinking for yourself, deciding, forming an opinion for yourself, and not just run with what was fed to you.

You don’t have to like, nor agree, just let everyone be, tolerate their differences, so in return, you have the right to be yourself too and can expect to be tolerated by others too.

Tolerance is a step towards a more harmonious, kinder, better world.

Think, chill, enjoy, love!
Be one of the good people!

Sex and facts

/in , , , , /by

Sex is good. Sex is beneficial to the body and the mind. Sex is fun. Sex is joy. Sex is connection.
Human beings by design are sexual beings.
For a person of any gender to have sex with one or more legally aged, consenting adult/s of any gender is a personal choice and it has nothing to do with anyone else, it is no business of anyone else.
And if one decides to live without sex that is okay too.

Some good things about sex that often are overlooked are what I want to tell you about here.

So, let’s get the negative out of the way first.
Sex is not evil. Sex is not ugly. Sex is not harmful.
People are.

When a person decides to have/force sex with anyone who does not consent to it and/or is under legal age, that is not sex ‘what’ is doing it.
It is a bad/irresponsible/sick person who made a decision to carry out an act against someone else.
Take that person to justice, punish that person, get that person out of society. In some cases when it is an actual mental disorder, have that person treated by professional therapists, doctors – if possible.

So now that the basics are out of the way, let’s get to the good stuff.

Some science backed benefits of having sex:
– reduces stress and anxiety – in the body it decreases the level of cortisol (stress hormone) and produces dopamine (substance fighting stress hormone) and endorphin (happiness hormone)
– boosts mood and self-confidence as it releases endorphins
– increases libido as it increases the oxytocin (love hormone) level
– improves memory
– burns calories
– boosts the immune system
– improves sleep
– lowers blood pressure and helps prevent heart disease
– relieves pain
– strengthens pelvic floor muscles in women
– regulates menstrual cycle (sex regulates hormones so it helps in regulating the cycle)
– reduces the risk of prostate cancer in men (without ejaculation the fluid stays in, causing various problems)
– can help pass kidney stones
– increases life expectancy – healthy heart, stronger muscles, better blood circulation, plus a state of happiness

Sex not only has plenty of health benefits of course, but in a relationship, sex is an amazing tool to get to know one another more, to give joy and pleasure to your partner, to be playful, to experiment, to try new/different things, to strengthen the bond, to have more intimacy.

Of course, as one’s sexual likes, dislikes and needs change through the years in order to have an ongoingly mutually satisfying sex life, you must have an ongoing communication about it.
Don’t overcomplicate it, just say what you want.
Hardly ever happens that your partner is a mind reader so you saying s/he should know by now is one of the stupidest things you can do.

Also!
Don’t take sex too seriously!
Do whatever you both/all agree on, you need no outsider’s approval to your sex life.
Try, laugh, do, enjoy!
More, and again, and again, and some more.

Communication tripping stones

/in , , /by

The other day I posted a comment on Facebook.
The original post was nicely written and with a question to all who cared to answer, and as you could guess it, some of the answers were not written with goodwill, and some were not even on the subject.
So, after reading them all, I wrote this (slightly edited version here):

‘Here is how I see it (nothing personal, it is what I am seeing, experiencing in general, so if it is not you, then just don’t take offence): we all are expats in here.
It is not England, it is not the US, it is not any other place.
Here people are differently socialized, have different culture, different taste in food, different in many ways.
When you are complaining that the English breakfast at place xyz is served with not English sausage, than it is your problem, not the establishment’s.
As I see it, many places are trying to accommodate your wanting a homey feeling away home, only it seems it is not enough for you … so maybe just pack your bitter soul and go back home, where everything is as you got used to, everything is as you want it to be.
On the other hand, many things are similar.
Like when you go in to a place and you smile and greet the people working in there, they will appreciate it.
When a door was closed, you went in and you don’t close it, so the staff or other patrons have to close it behind you, they won’t be happy.
When you don’t speak the local language and you don’t even ask if they can help you in English, you just assume they can’t and walk away upset because they didn’t speak to you automatically in English, locals will not be happy either.
For many some more common sense, understanding of where you are, a bit more effort to fit in wouldn’t hurt.
And when you don’t like how life is here then just move on.
Have no right to expect the locals to change into English or American or whatever other ways.’

And then someone answered this to me:
‘Please think about not using the word expat – it’s outdated, post-colonial and politically insensitive. I for one do not identify with this narrative. We are all immigrants.’

My answer to him was:
‘English is not my first language, so I checked the Oxford Dictionary:
expat – a person who lives outside their native Country
immigrant – a person who comes to live permanently in a foreign Country’

He never replied to this one.

And I wasn’t even adding this from Wikipedia:
‘An expatriate is a person who resides outside their native country. In common usage, the term often refers to educated professionals, skilled workers, or artists taking positions outside their home country, either independently or sent abroad by their employers.’

The https://www.expat.com/ website was built exactly for such people. Now with over 3.200.000 members, it is helping all those expats all over the world to find their ways easier in their new location, to connect with others, to have a better experience.
And none seem to have an issue with the term: expat.

Why am I bringing all this here, into a blog post?
Because it shows some (unfortunately) usual communication glitches.

One is being, although I wrote quite a bit, and yes, it was about expats/immigrants but not about how they are called, but their behaviour was the subject which he ignored completely.
He decided to pick one word that he didn’t agree with and comment on that.
Nothing about the original question, nothing about my answer to it.
This is a typical case of non-comprehension of a text.

And this is a reason why you are never responsible for what people understand of what you say or write, as they will perceive it on their own level of understanding, knowledge, openness.
Now this guy is a stranger to me, so I don’t mind him not getting the real meaning of what I wrote.
Plus he unintentionally provided the idea for this blog post 😉

Of course, when you feel someone who is important to you didn’t get what you were really saying or writing, then by all means try to explain it with different words, try using a different angle to make yourself understood.
Communication is vital in life in general, communication is vital in a relationship.
So when you want someone to get you, then you have to put in the effort to help them tune in to your logic, your ways of seeing things.
And of course, you have to be open to accept their different logic and different ways of seeing things.
The aim is to find that magical place where you both (all) feel heard, paid attention to, respected and understood.

The other thing for me, is that he says he does not approve of my choice of word, so he ‘corrects’ it and uses his preferred word ‘we all are immigrants’.
With this he basically declared that I was wrong, and he is right.
Thinks him.
But even the dictionary does not support him.

So, this brings me to say, that next time when you don’t ‘approve’ or ‘agree’ with someone’s choice of word or opinion, you simply say (if you must) that you have another preferred word instead, that you have a different opinion.

Because regardless of whatever, whenever, wherever, you are entitled to choose your own words, to have your own opinion.
You are entitled to have one that is different to the majority’s, that is unpopular, that is rare, that is unique.
What you are, on the other hand, never entitled to, is to cancel someone else’s words, or opinion just because you don’t like it, you don’t approve of it.

Kindness, mutual respect, acceptance, open heart and open mind.
Values worth having, values worth practicing.
In my opinion.

Is cheating inevitable?

/in , , , /by

Lately all the tabloids and social media platforms are full of the stories around the new songs of Shakira, BZRP Music Sessions #53 ( https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CocEMWdc7Ck ) and Miley Cyrus, Flowers ( https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G7KNmW9a75Y  ).
Both singers were pouring their thoughts, pain, anger about being cheated on into their respective songs.
These instances only show being cheated on can happen to anyone, and that anyone can become a cheater at any level of the ‘social ladder’. No position, no money, no fame, no nothing makes anyone protected against it.

Cheating is so common that even a site/app was made to help all those who are looking for some discreet spice outside of their existing relationship. https://www.ashleymadison.com/ is up and running since 2001 and claims to have 75 million members worldwide.
Their ‘moto’ is: ‘Life is short. Have an affair.’

No judgement. All people can do as they please.
Just of course know, and be ready for that your actions have possible/inevitable consequences.
No whining when shit hits the fan, please.

The psychology of cheating is way more complex than as if it was just about sex.
Reasons behind cheating can be:
– anger: one wants to ‘payback’ for the other’s cheating, or as a revenge after a serious argument
– self-esteem issues: through cheating one wants to feel better about themselves, or want to feel more independence, autonomy through it
– lack of feeling love: from both angles, like one doesn’t feel loved or one is not sure about loving their partner and wants to ’check’ it
– frustration: there are unsolved issues in the relationship, but one wants to avoid conflict and searches for relief outside
– needing some variety: basically, that person is just not cut out for a monogamous relationship
– neglect: emotionally and/or sexually feeling abandoned
– at times it is so called situational: when one is drunk or overwhelmed by outside stressors and so are not thinking straight and are just taken by the flow of things
–  sex: because of sexual differences, like one need way more than the partner is willing to give, or one denies certain acts that would be important/pleasurable for the other and so on.

Actually, I believe there are situations when an ‘outside’ connection can even help the relationship to thrive.
Like when one of the partners become sexually incapable to perform maybe due to an illness or accident, but the other partner still has such needs. So, they discuss, agree on and the one with needs goes and have discreet liaisons.
… fair enough, that is no cheating anymore as long as it stays within the discussed and agreed on frames.

The bottom line is, as always, that in order to have a great, mutually satisfying long term relationship, ongoing, honest communication is a must!

When you are not discussing all the surfacing issues, when you are not listening to each other, when you fall into too many assumptions instead of asking questions, when you are not showing your commitment towards each other, when you are not open, vulnerable, caring, loving, interested and invested in each other but there are logistic reasons and/or excuses like lifestyle, children, financial situation, family expectations, whatever not, why one or both of you decide to rather just keep quiet and get on with it, then by all means, do not be surprised when cheating occurs.

If nothing made you to take care of your relationship earlier, if nothing pushed you to solve the issues, or make a move, then let me tell you this: after cheating most of the couples break up!
Most means as high as 80% of the couples are not making it.

They are not making it because on top of all the things that had not been dealt with and led to the cheating, now here is the question of if trust can be rebuilt, if the cheated on can forgive and truly let go of it and not keep bringing it up and pointing fingers at any signs of problems from there on.

And in about 80% of the cases, it is not working out.

So maybe you want to give it another thought, whether wouldn’t it be less painful, less messy, less degrading if you now decided to put more effort into your relationship (only of course if you want to keep having it and enjoy it at its best, to the fullest) and have some deep, detailed, heart to heart talk with your partner and start working for each other, than keep going as is and might face the damaging effects of a cheating.

Love, trust, care, intimacy is worth working for.

You know what you want, go for it!

They don’t care …

/in , , , , , , /by

Since it’s still January, and the energies only recently are turning completely into the “new momentum” of 2023 (and because there is a lot of negative, shitty, depressing news and happenings coming at us from the world), I feel that a rougher “I’ll help you sort yourself out” type of writing wants to be here.

Buckle your seatbelts!

I am not interested in the so-called big politics, I am not interested in the few “dark knights” who supposedly are ruling the world, I am not interested in the world economy … on the level, that all kinds of, for a good amount of money turned into ass-licker, media serve it to us, “average people”.
I am not interested, because I’ve known for some time that many things have nothing to do with reality, that a large percentage of them are bent along certain interests, and that the truth, the complete truth, is damn hard to find out, if it’s ever possible at all.

In this I got my first lesson when I was still working in film production.
Fact, that was the deciding moment about the tabloid category I knew “well, I won’t believe a word they say in the future”.

It just so happened that an article was published in which an actor was torn to shreds about what he did some nights earlier.
The “only” problem was that that actor filmed with us on that ominous evening described in the article, hundreds of kilometers away from the location indicated in the article.
As it turned out, that piece was also part of a campaign trying to discredit that actor.

This is where this process started for me.

Then it continued when I worked in tourism.
Somehow I learned that there are awards and recognitions that almost anyone can win, it’s all just a matter of money and “bribe” and “venality”.

Then, when I was already active as a coach, I noticed that there are widely known people who call themselves coaches and motivational speakers, who, without batting an eye, use materials, make statements, express thoughts, but just “forget” to mark and mention their origin.

For the “perpetrators” in all 3 mentioned categories it still works today … because of you.
Because of the average person.
After all, the tabloids sell to you; in tourism, these companies show their awards to you, to make themselves more attractive to you; and “coaches” and “motivational speakers” also profit from you with their unoriginal, stolen materials that are used without indicating the source.

How is all this possible?
That you don’t ask, you don’t check, you just “eat” what they put in front of you.

And this is exactly why big politics, the world economy, and the “dark knights” or anyone can feed/sell anything to the masses.

Well, and as unpleasant as it sounds, it starts with you.

How?
In the way that you were taught that superiors cannot be questioned.
That old people should be respected.
That x is something you have to believe in, to be considered as a good person.
That you are a “real” man if you work yourself half dead and provide for your family and don’t show your emotions.
That you are a “real” woman if you give birth, excel in washing, cooking, cleaning and put everyone before yourself.
I won’t continue, I think you feel it.

Against all these:
Why wouldn’t the superiors be asked? When and how did they become infallible?
Just because someone is old doesn’t mean they deserve respect.
A few hundred or a few thousand kilometers away, something else is considered to be the definition of a good person.
“Real” is not an adjective that can be defined socially as a whole, but can only and exclusively be given by the partner, so this adjective has (also) infinite interpretations.

So that you wouldn’t need to fight every day with who is covering you with what, be it the media or any social network, you have to whip yourself, your life into shape.
In order to be able to live what and how you really want, first you need to know yourself, to know who you really are, what you want, what things and values are important to you.
And you also need to know: we are not the same and that is wonderful. So you don’t have to become anything if you don’t feel that as your identity. You do the best for yourself and for the world, when you are your authentic self.

And I shouldn’t even ask, if media workers can lie without batting an eye, if companies can buy themselves certain recognitions, if those who award them can be corrupted, if coaches and motivational speakers can reach the masses with plagiarized material, then why shouldn’t lie the stars off of the sky the politicians, those who manage the world economy, the “dark knights”?

I don’t think this current “order” from the top down will ever change for the better.
However, I do believe that if more and more of us, the “average people” understand,
that everyone has the right to live their own life as they wish (as long as it does not cause any harm to others),
that we cannot take out our frustrations about our own lives on others,
that if we do not erase, rewrite certain parts of our history, but face them and learn from them,
if we try not to do anything to others that we would hate to happen to us,
if we tried to help each other more, support each other better,
if allowing, understanding, care and love would rule the critical mass,
then we can achieve that there are no people in politics and on social networks who shout the opposite of all these for their own personal (usually purely material) interests.

It could be a much better, more liveable, significantly more harmonious, happier place, all it takes, is that we don’t wait for the “big guys”, always for someone else to do something!?!
We should do it!
The “average people”, the you and the me.

PS: In 1991 and 1995 Michael Jackson already sang all this … it would be time to act …

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BWf-eARnf6U

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QNJL6nfu__Q

New Year’s Resolutions – or?

/in , , , , , /by

So here we are, in 2023.
A new year with new energies, new possibilities, new hopes and aims.
And for many, January 1st means new year’s resolutions.

First of all, let me say, nothing is wrong with new year’s resolutions … IF …

OK, so are you one of those who make them? Do they usually work out for you? Do they give you the feeling of success, accomplishment, joy when at the end of the year you look back and see what and how you did with them? When your answer is yes, then congratulations!
These resolutions seem to work for you as great motivators and guides.
Great job, cool routine, keep on making them and follow them through!
Good on you through and through.

Likely the rest what follows here is not for you.

It is for you, who is not in the above category, but you still make them, still give them a go year after year.

And now about that IF I wrote above.

In case you are one who makes those resolutions and generally you do not keep them, they do not work out for you and that makes you sad, upset, angry, talking down on yourself, feeling of unworthiness and alike, I have a question for you: what makes you go through the same/very similar process year after year?

Is it a tradition in your family? This is what you were told you were supposed to do? You do it because your friend/partner is doing it? Because you want to achieve certain things and you feel you need a starting point?

Whatever is the case, the bottom line is, if this system brings you more negative emotions than positive ones, then you simply just need to drop this ‘custom’.

Let’s dive in a bit.
Resolutions are basically goals.
They can be about anything, health, wellbeing, relationships, finances, work, whatever really.
Only because they are tied to the beginning of the year, they got this fancy title of new year’s resolutions.
The fact though is, that goal setting does not require a specific date.
It can be that you wake up on a gloomy Tuesday morning in March and realize, your coffee intake is over the roof and probably that is (one of) the reason why your sleep is not that peaceful, recharging, and perfect as you wish it to be. So immediately you can take action and have 1 or 2 coffees less already that day, give yourself a timeframe of two weeks and see what this change brings you. Falling asleep easier, sleeping better, getting up with more energy? Superb! You can decide to continue with having less coffee and enjoy your sleep more.
Or, if it doesn’t give you any benefit, only you feel even more crazy as you are missing those coffees, you can add them back and can start looking for other options to get a better sleep.

And this is how it works with any kind of a goal.
Set it, test it, do it, timeframes may vary, evaluate, decide accordingly whether to continue with that specific action or drop it.

Now opposed to this, stands the new year’s resolution where many go overboard.
They make a long list and make each of them on the list really big.
Like this is the year when I start going to the gym and will lose x amount of weight, get a body ready for a fitness competition and all that by December 31st – great idea, but if you haven’t done any exercises in ages (or ever), haven’t done your research to see who, where offers what, who, where can support you how, haven’t figured out your (real) reasons behind why you are out of shape, carrying extra weight, how you will be able to fit a new routine into your schedule, then it is quite likely that by the end of January you throw in the towel.
It is (generally) exactly the same story with any kind of a new year’s resolutions.
They are big, ambitious, emotionally charged, often impulsive and kind of repetitive from year after year as they never get carried out, fulfilled.

It doesn’t have to be like this.

You can drop this whole concept and do it all on your terms.

Every day is a new starting point. It doesn’t matter what date is stamped on that day.
Whenever something comes up that you want to do for yourself, your family, your community, just think it over, write it out, set that goal and go for it.

By the way, when you are like me and dislike the word goal and/or resolution, you don’t need to use them.
Call them your dreams, visions, ideas, baby beans, whatever you want to call them.
It’s not the title, it’s the actions around them that counts.

And I want you to know from the very beginning of your next ‘baby bean planting’, not all of them can be done, not all will happen, and not all will happen as you want it, when you want it.
It doesn’t mean anything is wrong with you!
It only means that life sometimes takes us to different directions, with a different time schedule.

So, the IF is that it only is a good idea, when you feel good about it, when it brings you positive feelings, when it helps you feel better.

Find and get in the flow, welcome the changes, stay true to yourself and chase your dreams, regardless!

A wish list from me to you

/in , , , , , /by

Happiness
Health
Love
Wealth
Success
Beauty
Motivation
Connections
Soulfulness
Courage
Positivity
Fabulousness
Magic
Healing
Kindness
Empowerment
Peace
Laughter
Tolerance
Dreams
Enthusiasm
Fun
Abundance
Optimism
Intimacy
Balance
Ecstasy
Genuity
Inspiration
Resilience
Authenticity
Passion
Wisdom

And here are two songs in case you need a mood uplift.
Both can be listened to at any time – although one of them is Christmas themed – as what they say is valid all year round, in any situation.
You do deserve it all and you are able to fight for yourself!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E7lqYSD22jw 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xo1VInw-SKc

Merry Everything, Happy Always!

The holiday / pain season

/in , , , , , /by

It is December, the so-called jolliest month of the year.
TV channels, the Internet, radio stations are showing, broadcasting endless Christmas movies, music, ads, related tear-jerking stories, and charity events, the shops, restaurants, bars, villages and cities are fully decorated … there is no way one could not realize that the countdown is on.
Christmas is pouring onto everyone from every possible and even sometimes impossible angle.

So, no wonder that a few days ago, I made the mistake of watching some Christmas movies.
Oh boy!

About 20 minutes into it I was sad, then angry, and by the end of it I was fuming.
My curiosity made me watch a few more films to check whether it was only a one-off occurrence.
As a result, I can say that by the look of it, many creative and production people just are, or with time got careless, insensitive, and clueless of present days’ mental health issues.

In the first show I watched, a woman is going home for Christmas after a breakup, planning for a relaxing, do nothing, high in self-care kind of a stay. In the very minute she gets to the front door of her parents’ house the mental abuse, the pressuring, the aggressive you must fit in kind of bullshit starts. Not only from her very own parents but from every member of the neighbourhood too.
In the next one, she gets dumped by her boyfriend by an awfully obnoxious speech from him, then just before Christmas they accidently meet again and he behaves as a master asshole, assuming her not saying much (actually due to her shock) means a yes and so he starts planning their lives together, tries to make a pass at her (and of another girl from town too), repeatedly, all together acting like a horny, arrogant, perfect example of toxic masculinity.
In another one a complete failure of communication and excess amount of assumptions are messing up the main characters’ lives.
Yet in another one a mother/manager is pushing her daughter to do and be as she sees it best, mainly for fame and money, ignoring the grown up daughter’s clearly expressed wishes.

That is how much I could take, and unfortunately, it all made me certain, that this is a tendency, present in many movies.
In movies that have a huge, often bigger than healthy, influence on people.

When one is curling up for some relaxing and is looking forward to some light-hearted, romantic, Christmassy holiday fun, the last thing one needs is anyone pushing their face into all that crap that they may fight all year round.
Being pushed, pressured, not listened to, getting mentally abused, belittled, harassed, constantly questioned about life choices are serious, real-life issues that millions are struggling with on a daily basis.
These are issues, in my opinion, that have no place in any fun, holiday movies.

For you all, who maybe wrestling with any of the mentioned issues, please know, you are good, not broken, you have all the right to be who and how you want to be and that nobody, no family close or far, no partner, no kid, no neighbour, no boss, no colleague, no politician, no ‘society’, simply no one has the right to tell you otherwise.
Also know, that asking for and using help is an absolutely brave and in many situations, a lifesaver thing to do. Reach out to someone you feel you can trust. Please!

And as for this holiday, or for any other one ever, you have all the right to keep yourself away from people, gatherings and/or situations that you feel are stressing you out, where you feel, you might need to give yourself up in order to fit in.

Also, let’s not forget those countless number of people who, for various reasons, do not like it or even get sad around this time of the year.
The reasons are irrelevant for others, unless the person is ready to share those but just to give an idea, among them are those who simply don’t care for Christmas, those who associate it with some bad memories, like a breakup, losing a job/house/livelihood, the passing of a loved one, a childhood trauma, or are feeling lonelier than at any other time of the year, whatever.
All those feelings are valid!
Again, no one has the right to invalidate anyone for feeling differently from them.
One of the craziest and actually the most hurtful what you can say to such a person is ‘Come on, but it’s Christmas’. Their answer will be ‘Exactly!’.

So, all I wish for Christmas and for any holidays in general, that go, celebrate as you would want to and let others do as they would want to.
Go crazy with decorations, do all the related activities, celebrate at large, at home, away from home, alone or with others, or don’t celebrate at all, or anything in between, are all right.
Your way is not better or worse, only different.

Be kind, be understanding, allow people to be, spread love.
And if you for whatever reason are not able to do these, then just shut the fuck up and leave people be.

Toxic influences

/in , , , , , /by

November 19th is International Men’s Day.
Did you celebrate it? Did you buy gifts to the important men in your life?
Did you let them know that you are proud of them, that you love them, that you think of them?

No?
You were not even aware that this day exists?
Or you were but you thought it is nothing special nor important?

Whichever is the case, it clearly shows double standards.

Why?

For one, because it is ‘observed by’ 58 Countries, opposed to International Women’s Day that is ‘observed by’ worldwide.
And second, because if you are not greeted, celebrated on International Women’s Day, at least with some flowers, then you get upset, feel down, moan about it or what not.

Bear with me, no, it is not a post to bash women, nor men.
Quite the opposite.

It is about a tendency that is present in our lives, that is going strong on all social media platforms, and it is clearly toxic.

What am I talking about?

What I am talking about is women working on becoming equal in their rights to men with all the wrong tools and attitude.
Not like feminism at its best:
‘Feminism, that is the belief and advocacy of the political, economic, personal, and social equality of the sexes. Feminism incorporates the position that society prioritizes the male point of view and that women are treated unjustly in these societies. Efforts to change this include fighting against gender stereotypes and establishing educational, professional, and interpersonal opportunities and outcomes for women that are equal to those for men.’

And it is something that I stand behind 100%.
Women and men (and any other human gender in between) are equal.
Without one or the other gender the world would cease to exist as we know it.

What I can’t stand behind at all is the above-mentioned tendency.
That is when women are trying to lift up other women by talking down, belittling men, when they preach how women are better than men, when they preach that a man showing his feelings is weak, that a man who cries is a pussy.
Basically, doing exactly the same than the man who are labelled (rightfully) toxic.

While at the same time other women are upset, that they can’t connect to men as they are closed off, have (show) no emotions.
While worldwide statistics show that the number of men committing suicide is about the double of the number of women.

Yes, I am absolutely aware that throughout history at most part of the world at most of the time men had all the power and women were oppressed.
Yes, I am totally aware that it is still so at some part of the world today too.
Yes, I agree it must change.
Yes, I support those changes.

BUT

No, I can’t support looking down on men of today for the mistakes and sins done by their predecessors.
No, I don’t find it helpful that because of those men still working on keeping an upper hand over women one would generalize and talk shit on all men.
No, I don’t agree that if now women got to become the leading gender that would do only good.
No, I am absolutely against raising any gender above the other.

Yes, ladies, do learn to be secure in who you are, to not let anyone tell you how to look, how to dress, what to learn, what type of job to do.
Yes, ladies, please know, you do have all the rights over your body, dare to stand up for yourselves against anyone saying otherwise.
Yes, you can choose how you want to lead your life, what do you want, and what do you don’t want in it.

BUT

No, your security in yourself can’t stem from kicking men in general.
No, your fighting for your rights can’t bring a positive outcome when in return you suggest taking some rights away from men.
No, you realising and cherishing your rights to choose for yourself the life you want, can’t mean that you do the exact same towards men as men were doing throughout history towards women.

You see, the reality is that there are just as many toxic women around as toxic men.
Those women, who always find fault not only in men but in another women too, those who are always ready to criticize others for how they raise their kids, for how and what they cook or bake, for what they find important in life and what they don’t, for why they work, for they don’t work, for why they lost the baby weight pretty fast after birth, for why they didn’t lose it after x amount of time, for why they invest in their own self-development, for why they don’t, for why they start their own business, for why they don’t, for why they don’t have kids, for why they have 5, for how they dare to wear that outfit, for why they are not more brave, for why they wear make-up, for why they don’t, for why they have tattoos, for why they don’t, … their finding something to criticize in women and in men is endless.

Let’s face it, toxic masculinity is out there and by now we have toxic femininity too, which is just as harmful.
It instead of helping towards solutions, only makes more problems, more pain.

There is one thing you must understand, when a woman, a man, an alien, whomever criticizes you without even knowing you, knowing your whole story, it means nothing!
Those creatures only reflect their frustrations onto you.

So please, when you have, do, choose, decide whatever for yourself, don’t do it by criticizing, putting someone (men) else down.
No need for that.
No benefit in that.

Once we all realise that there is only one difference between people, and that is not their gender, religion, skin colour, or anything else but it is whether they are good or bad people, then we can build a world to be a happy place for all of us.

Equality, partnership, human rights are for all to understand and have.
That is, what can lead to a happy, loving, balanced life to everyone.