Not knowing – mistake – sin

/in , , /by

One often falls into the trap of assuming.
We assume we understand the same by an expression.
We assume we have the same ideas, limits, borders, ethical standards.

Stop hurting yourself, your partner, your relationships.
Stop assuming!
Hardly anyone is a mind reader so don’t expect your partner to know what you think.
It can get you into misunderstandings, arguments, fights, heartaches and let’s be honest here, most could be avoided only if you were into the habit of talking, asking, discussing, communicating instead of assuming.

Like with sins.
What are those things that are ‘no go-s’ for you?
When does a repeated mistake turns into sin?
What do you consider as a sin?
How far are you willing to push out your borders?

Yes, we are there again that first and foremost you must know yourself in order to be able to share these with your (would be) partner.

Are you okay with someone being late? How late? How often? Under what circumstances?
What do you do about it? Accept it? Fight over it? Break up because of it?
My mum’s solution was, once she realized he was always, without fail, 15 minutes late, that she told him to meet or be wherever they needed to be at 15 minutes earlier than she wanted him there, so like that she basically made him to be punctual … and it worked.
For her that wasn’t a reason to fight. She realized that it was something strangely messed up in his ‘system’ and she found a solution that worked for the both of them.
It never was an issue ever again.

Of course, this is a smaller example.
There are more serious ones to be considered.

Like lies.
Can you live with lies?
Are you okay with white lies?
Do you have the same understanding what white lies are?
Are secrets considered as lies?

How about cheating?
Is looking/smiling at another wo/man is already cheating?
Is having a steamy conversation counts as it?
Or is it all acceptable until it gets physical?
Or unless there are feelings involved, you can look passed it?

Where are your borders?
What are those lines within which it all needs to be kept at?

No, it is not obvious.
No, it is not self-explanatory.
No, it is not the same for everyone.
People do have different understandings, limits, frames within which feel safe and comfortable.

Two (or however many) people work well together when both (all) realize that there is no way to be discussing every possible scenario before a relationship forms.
When both are willing to share their yeses and no-s ongoingly.
When both give leeway to possible errors.
When both are willing and ready to listen, and course correct.
When both have their borders and are respecting the other’s.

So once again it boils down to self-knowledge and ongoing honest communication as every and all aspects of a relationship needs to be talked about, discussed, agreed on if you want a well working, balanced, happy union.

Ins and outs of a breakup

/in , , /by

In my video on YouTube last week, I was talking about breakups, about the actual way of how to do it ‘well’.
That is one (crucial) part of the whole process.
Obviously, there is, as with everything, more to it.

Like there are people who always break up just before the relationship would get to the next level, to get to a serious, long term commitment.
In general, those people prefer easy, loose, light connections, are not ready to or are, for whatever reason, afraid to commit.

Of course, nothing is wrong with any kind of a preference.
Only is most beneficial to clarify the intensions quite early in the process of getting to know one another.

If it is being afraid of commitment and is realised by the person her/himself, then it can be worked on, then professional help (coach, psychologist) can be the guide through a faster healing process.

When two people get together who both prefer a light, fun, easy connection then all is perfect, green light for keep going.

But when one is after a more serious, a more committed, more ‘let’s build a life together’ kind and the other is not, then is best to not even pursue any further that road together.
Don’t get into a relationship thinking ‘oh, doesn’t matter what s/he thinks, I will change that’.
NO.
You won’t.
Or sometimes you will, on the surface but the person will be suffering beneath it.

Any and all lasting change start from within. Not by an outside force.

Meaning that if one gets to a realization that they want to change, they will initiate it.
When it is an outside force then the options are of strong resistance or a not heartfelt ‘I’ll  give it a try’ that won’t lead anywhere, or of eventually giving in but that will not last (maybe only till the break up).

Another crazy tendency I want to mention is after the break up saying all the ugly things about the ex.
Yes, I know, sometimes really nasty things happen but still!
Think about it, it was you who spent x amount of time with that person, it was you who decided to get into a relationship with that person, it was you who was in a relationship with that person.

Sure, with time you might have realized the person was not 100% legit, not completely who they said they were or the opposite, you didn’t believe they are as they said they were.
Still, you should not make the mistake of throwing mud at your ex … it does get you muddy too!

After a breakup you want to vent to your best friend. Fine. Do it.
What ever you need to do (get drunk, cry, indulge in food, say things out loud, … ), do it but do it in private!
Never get yourself into the unpleasant situation that people get to ask you ‘if the person is really so, then why at all were you in a relationship with her/him?’

True, we do get disappointed, we might misread someone, we might find out certain characteristics sometimes at a later stage in a relationship, this all can happen.
One major difference is how do we handle it.
Hating won’t help you, but learning from it will benefit you greatly.

So about a breakup is not only the actual breaking up that we can do better but also the recognizing early of what might lead to it so we can deal with the thing on hand way better.
Plus we can clean up our act on how do we deal with the aftermath of it.

It is kind of unavoidable for breakups to come about, but it is up to us whether we keep marching on pointing only at others for what happened to us, or we are taking it as a learning opportunity and try our best to be and do better from then on for our own sake.

An often hidden ‘ghost’

/in , , , /by

Have you ever heard the expression ‘trauma response’?
It is mostly used for the emotional response to some terrible events, like an accident, rape or natural disaster.

On a seemingly lighter level, agreeing to things just to keep the peace, is actually also a trauma response that becomes part of life of a relationship dependent person.

It originates mostly from childhood, when for the parents, family members to not to have a go at the kid for whatever reason, s/he learns that the easiest way out is to agree – even though s/he doesn’t feel it, think it so – to whatever the adult is saying, so peace can be had.

On top of that when a person is relationship dependent, is often times a response to experiencing the mostly non-recognised trauma of repeatedly being told, and so conditioned to, that ‘you are nothing’, ‘you never going to make it by yourself’, ‘you never will be able to make a life for yourself’, ‘you can’t stand on your own feet’, ‘you are unviable’ and so on.

As a result, this person can only imagine their adult life within a relationship, where they are under the impression that with the other person by their side now they are someone, now they are able to have a life, to survive, be secure, to live.
And so to upkeep the relationship they agree to everything their partner wants, in the hope that it will make it last.

Usually, this person has no personal boundaries or if they do then continuously disrespect those for the sake of ‘peace’.

Being relationship dependent by all means blocks the way to become and live as a self-confident, independent, secure, stable person, prevents or at least interferes with the person’s growth, of achieving their highest potential, of living their own life on their own terms.

Being relationship dependent is only a way of existing and not a way of living.

When one realises this trap and builds the courage to decide to get out of such scenario, for most, coaching can switch on the light at the end of the tunnel and be the necessary help to be able to take that journey to a brighter, more healthy way of life.

When you recognise yourself in the above written, I wish you all the strength to rise up, get some help and rewrite the rest of your life story on a personally more satisfying, free, (self)loving way.