Love languages

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The other night I was at a dinner party with friends and friends of my friends. It was a great evening with tasty food, lovely company, and nice conversations.

At one point in the evening one of the friends of a friend started to tell about their recent break-up.
They went on saying that how they thought it was going well, how they gave all they could and when it turned out to be not enough and ended in a break-up how upset and confused, they felt. And keep feeling still.
As I just met that person for the first time on that evening, I had hardly any knowledge about them, let alone the relationship they were grieving.
So while listening to them and to the reactions of their friends (which I must say here, was the usual, meant to be supportive ‘you were right-they were wrong, they didn’t deserve you, better will come along, you are better off without them’ and others along this line) my mind wandered off somewhat, and I started to contemplate on what could have been the cause of that seemingly unexpected break-up.

One thing that crossed my mind, were the love languages and so I decided to write about those.
Dr. Gary Chapman wrote a book, The 5 Love Languages, in which he outlines 5 ways how people want to be loved.
He calls them the love languages, which are:
– word of affirmation: feels loved when hear or read words of affection, kind words, encouragement, love notes, cute, sweet messages, compliments.
– quality time: being loved to them means their partner is present, giving them focused undivided attention, really are listened to. Wants quality over quantity.
– physical touch: understands being loved through physical affection. Sex of course and holding hands on a walk or in the cinema, a touch on their body when passing them in the house, a massage, cuddling, … they want to be close to their partner physically.
– act of service: feel loved by their partner doing nice things for them. Like helping to prepare a meal, running some errands, giving a hand in finishing a project, whatever that may be, it has to come without being asked for.
– receiving gifts: for those with this love language, it is not about materialism, as it can be as little as their favourite chocolate bar. They feel loved as they understand the time and effort being put into picking a gift for them specifically, showing that their partner knows them, cares for them. Also, they need gifts frequently not only on the ‘major holidays’.

Okay, so why the love languages came into my mind on that evening?
Because I often see that partners do not understand the needs of their significant other.
They simply do not talk about what love means to them, how they would like it to be expressed towards them.
Many times, relationships remind me of a gigantic puzzle game, where both parties are holding certain pieces and they are trying to work out how their own puzzle pieces can be put together with their partner’s. Although they never even clarified whether they hold pieces for the same game!

Rather than clearing the table by having conversations where both would explain their own ‘instruction manual’.
Of course, that would suppose that they know themselves!

You see, when my love language is physical touch and I will keep receiving smaller bigger gifts all the time, although I will be grateful for those gifts, I won’t be perfectly happy.
When we had some talks where I expressed that, and my partner would say he understood but there would be no changes in his actions, I probably would call it quits after some time.

When one’s primary love language is not met, one will get frustrated and likely will not see other, well working things in the relationship to be enough to stay for and keep on going.

Or if s/he stays, it’s quite sure that some dissatisfaction, frustration will continuously be lingering over.

Also, because in a relationship it is pretty rare that both/all partners have the same love language, and we often make the ‘mistake’ of that we give what we want to receive, unnecessary challenges are for sure to be faced.

Certainly, there are ways to save the day, I mean the relationship, of course.

Oh gosh! Am I boring or what?
Solution, again, is knowing oneself and an ongoing, open, honest communication between partners.

So, I don’t know, but maybe the reason of that unexpected break-up was, that the partner’s primary love language wasn’t satisfied and although this friend was putting in all they had, it was not what it was needed.

What do I do?

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In this post I want to talk about my sex coaching as lately I got some questions and run into assumptions that were incorrect.

The emphasis is on my sex coaching as there are many different types out there, that vary not only in style but also in what they focus on.
There are sex teachers who help couples with the actual act of sex, show them what and how is possible, new ways and so on.
There are other educators who do similar work but specify on self-exploration.
Of course there are those professionals who help in case of any physical issues.
Obviously, there are some overlapping among all.

When you chose someone to work with, you have to understand the focus of their work and see if that aligns with you, with what and where you wish to be helped forward.

What I do is I work with you on you, on your mindset, your thinking, your soul, your possible hidden triggers and other similar ‘woowoos’ that can play part in why you do not enjoy sex as much as you could/should/would like to.

What does that even mean?
That when sex is not as one wishes it to be, and often even when one has some physical issues, there is nearly always some never thought of underlying issues, connections that one was not even thinking of that can do anything with their sex life.

More specifically, although it is true that sex is a physical action, it gets at its best only when one’s mind and soul are in it and are all in alignment.

To help you understand even more easily, let me use some examples.
Like the young man, who was dating, having relationships with women, and never felt content, always felt something is not right.
When we worked together, I asked, he answered, I made him go deep within himself, made him see who he really was/wanted to be, worked on deleting the stress points, the blocks, the dogma he was fed to and finally came his realization and acceptance, he is gay.
He became true to himself and is leading a happy life since.

The intelligent, bright woman in her late 30s who said sex was OK, but she never understood what the big wow was about it, and she kind of grew curious whether she was missing something.
Yes, she absolutely was, she realized it while working together.
She was ‘programmed’ to be a good wife, to take what she gets, to not have needs, to not nag her husband for more/less/different.
What a happily shocking surprise it was to her when finally she talked to her husband who was first completely taken aback with what she revealed but then was happy and willing to have an ongoing communication and exploration to up their sex life that is by now mutually satisfying, better than ever before.

Or the man who is a professional, strong, kind family man and in his 40s started to feel more and more often some sexual dissatisfaction.
His mind was telling him some stories, but it was conflicting his soul, his taught ways of how sex should be, and he had no knowledge of how to communicate his inner conflict to his partner.
While working together he learned to allow himself to have whatever feelings were coming up in him run their course, to be open and vulnerable in his communication to his partner, to bring up to her his new interest, discuss it and got to the point where they were able to start out on a new, mutually satisfying road in sex together.

You see, although sex itself is a physical act, when one is not knowing her/himself well, is not happy with her/himself, when that little inner voice is saying something else than what the ‘routine’ is, when sex becomes a routine, when listening to self and communicating with the partner/s is lacking or in the worst cases is not even existing, when mind, soul and body are not in harmony then it is impossible to have a fully satisfying, best ever sex life.

To achieve that harmony is where I help you when you come to work with me.
To reach the most self- identical, authentic self of you, and with that to have/do/enjoy the most of a mind-blowing, fully satisfying, fun, spontaneous, well communicated, amazing sex life.