Communication tripping stones

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The other day I posted a comment on Facebook.
The original post was nicely written and with a question to all who cared to answer, and as you could guess it, some of the answers were not written with goodwill, and some were not even on the subject.
So, after reading them all, I wrote this (slightly edited version here):

‘Here is how I see it (nothing personal, it is what I am seeing, experiencing in general, so if it is not you, then just don’t take offence): we all are expats in here.
It is not England, it is not the US, it is not any other place.
Here people are differently socialized, have different culture, different taste in food, different in many ways.
When you are complaining that the English breakfast at place xyz is served with not English sausage, than it is your problem, not the establishment’s.
As I see it, many places are trying to accommodate your wanting a homey feeling away home, only it seems it is not enough for you … so maybe just pack your bitter soul and go back home, where everything is as you got used to, everything is as you want it to be.
On the other hand, many things are similar.
Like when you go in to a place and you smile and greet the people working in there, they will appreciate it.
When a door was closed, you went in and you don’t close it, so the staff or other patrons have to close it behind you, they won’t be happy.
When you don’t speak the local language and you don’t even ask if they can help you in English, you just assume they can’t and walk away upset because they didn’t speak to you automatically in English, locals will not be happy either.
For many some more common sense, understanding of where you are, a bit more effort to fit in wouldn’t hurt.
And when you don’t like how life is here then just move on.
Have no right to expect the locals to change into English or American or whatever other ways.’

And then someone answered this to me:
‘Please think about not using the word expat – it’s outdated, post-colonial and politically insensitive. I for one do not identify with this narrative. We are all immigrants.’

My answer to him was:
‘English is not my first language, so I checked the Oxford Dictionary:
expat – a person who lives outside their native Country
immigrant – a person who comes to live permanently in a foreign Country’

He never replied to this one.

And I wasn’t even adding this from Wikipedia:
‘An expatriate is a person who resides outside their native country. In common usage, the term often refers to educated professionals, skilled workers, or artists taking positions outside their home country, either independently or sent abroad by their employers.’

The https://www.expat.com/ website was built exactly for such people. Now with over 3.200.000 members, it is helping all those expats all over the world to find their ways easier in their new location, to connect with others, to have a better experience.
And none seem to have an issue with the term: expat.

Why am I bringing all this here, into a blog post?
Because it shows some (unfortunately) usual communication glitches.

One is being, although I wrote quite a bit, and yes, it was about expats/immigrants but not about how they are called, but their behaviour was the subject which he ignored completely.
He decided to pick one word that he didn’t agree with and comment on that.
Nothing about the original question, nothing about my answer to it.
This is a typical case of non-comprehension of a text.

And this is a reason why you are never responsible for what people understand of what you say or write, as they will perceive it on their own level of understanding, knowledge, openness.
Now this guy is a stranger to me, so I don’t mind him not getting the real meaning of what I wrote.
Plus he unintentionally provided the idea for this blog post 😉

Of course, when you feel someone who is important to you didn’t get what you were really saying or writing, then by all means try to explain it with different words, try using a different angle to make yourself understood.
Communication is vital in life in general, communication is vital in a relationship.
So when you want someone to get you, then you have to put in the effort to help them tune in to your logic, your ways of seeing things.
And of course, you have to be open to accept their different logic and different ways of seeing things.
The aim is to find that magical place where you both (all) feel heard, paid attention to, respected and understood.

The other thing for me, is that he says he does not approve of my choice of word, so he ‘corrects’ it and uses his preferred word ‘we all are immigrants’.
With this he basically declared that I was wrong, and he is right.
Thinks him.
But even the dictionary does not support him.

So, this brings me to say, that next time when you don’t ‘approve’ or ‘agree’ with someone’s choice of word or opinion, you simply say (if you must) that you have another preferred word instead, that you have a different opinion.

Because regardless of whatever, whenever, wherever, you are entitled to choose your own words, to have your own opinion.
You are entitled to have one that is different to the majority’s, that is unpopular, that is rare, that is unique.
What you are, on the other hand, never entitled to, is to cancel someone else’s words, or opinion just because you don’t like it, you don’t approve of it.

Kindness, mutual respect, acceptance, open heart and open mind.
Values worth having, values worth practicing.
In my opinion.

Is cheating inevitable?

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Lately all the tabloids and social media platforms are full of the stories around the new songs of Shakira, BZRP Music Sessions #53 ( https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CocEMWdc7Ck ) and Miley Cyrus, Flowers ( https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G7KNmW9a75Y  ).
Both singers were pouring their thoughts, pain, anger about being cheated on into their respective songs.
These instances only show being cheated on can happen to anyone, and that anyone can become a cheater at any level of the ‘social ladder’. No position, no money, no fame, no nothing makes anyone protected against it.

Cheating is so common that even a site/app was made to help all those who are looking for some discreet spice outside of their existing relationship. https://www.ashleymadison.com/ is up and running since 2001 and claims to have 75 million members worldwide.
Their ‘moto’ is: ‘Life is short. Have an affair.’

No judgement. All people can do as they please.
Just of course know, and be ready for that your actions have possible/inevitable consequences.
No whining when shit hits the fan, please.

The psychology of cheating is way more complex than as if it was just about sex.
Reasons behind cheating can be:
– anger: one wants to ‘payback’ for the other’s cheating, or as a revenge after a serious argument
– self-esteem issues: through cheating one wants to feel better about themselves, or want to feel more independence, autonomy through it
– lack of feeling love: from both angles, like one doesn’t feel loved or one is not sure about loving their partner and wants to ’check’ it
– frustration: there are unsolved issues in the relationship, but one wants to avoid conflict and searches for relief outside
– needing some variety: basically, that person is just not cut out for a monogamous relationship
– neglect: emotionally and/or sexually feeling abandoned
– at times it is so called situational: when one is drunk or overwhelmed by outside stressors and so are not thinking straight and are just taken by the flow of things
–  sex: because of sexual differences, like one need way more than the partner is willing to give, or one denies certain acts that would be important/pleasurable for the other and so on.

Actually, I believe there are situations when an ‘outside’ connection can even help the relationship to thrive.
Like when one of the partners become sexually incapable to perform maybe due to an illness or accident, but the other partner still has such needs. So, they discuss, agree on and the one with needs goes and have discreet liaisons.
… fair enough, that is no cheating anymore as long as it stays within the discussed and agreed on frames.

The bottom line is, as always, that in order to have a great, mutually satisfying long term relationship, ongoing, honest communication is a must!

When you are not discussing all the surfacing issues, when you are not listening to each other, when you fall into too many assumptions instead of asking questions, when you are not showing your commitment towards each other, when you are not open, vulnerable, caring, loving, interested and invested in each other but there are logistic reasons and/or excuses like lifestyle, children, financial situation, family expectations, whatever not, why one or both of you decide to rather just keep quiet and get on with it, then by all means, do not be surprised when cheating occurs.

If nothing made you to take care of your relationship earlier, if nothing pushed you to solve the issues, or make a move, then let me tell you this: after cheating most of the couples break up!
Most means as high as 80% of the couples are not making it.

They are not making it because on top of all the things that had not been dealt with and led to the cheating, now here is the question of if trust can be rebuilt, if the cheated on can forgive and truly let go of it and not keep bringing it up and pointing fingers at any signs of problems from there on.

And in about 80% of the cases, it is not working out.

So maybe you want to give it another thought, whether wouldn’t it be less painful, less messy, less degrading if you now decided to put more effort into your relationship (only of course if you want to keep having it and enjoy it at its best, to the fullest) and have some deep, detailed, heart to heart talk with your partner and start working for each other, than keep going as is and might face the damaging effects of a cheating.

Love, trust, care, intimacy is worth working for.

You know what you want, go for it!

They don’t care …

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Since it’s still January, and the energies only recently are turning completely into the “new momentum” of 2023 (and because there is a lot of negative, shitty, depressing news and happenings coming at us from the world), I feel that a rougher “I’ll help you sort yourself out” type of writing wants to be here.

Buckle your seatbelts!

I am not interested in the so-called big politics, I am not interested in the few “dark knights” who supposedly are ruling the world, I am not interested in the world economy … on the level, that all kinds of, for a good amount of money turned into ass-licker, media serve it to us, “average people”.
I am not interested, because I’ve known for some time that many things have nothing to do with reality, that a large percentage of them are bent along certain interests, and that the truth, the complete truth, is damn hard to find out, if it’s ever possible at all.

In this I got my first lesson when I was still working in film production.
Fact, that was the deciding moment about the tabloid category I knew “well, I won’t believe a word they say in the future”.

It just so happened that an article was published in which an actor was torn to shreds about what he did some nights earlier.
The “only” problem was that that actor filmed with us on that ominous evening described in the article, hundreds of kilometers away from the location indicated in the article.
As it turned out, that piece was also part of a campaign trying to discredit that actor.

This is where this process started for me.

Then it continued when I worked in tourism.
Somehow I learned that there are awards and recognitions that almost anyone can win, it’s all just a matter of money and “bribe” and “venality”.

Then, when I was already active as a coach, I noticed that there are widely known people who call themselves coaches and motivational speakers, who, without batting an eye, use materials, make statements, express thoughts, but just “forget” to mark and mention their origin.

For the “perpetrators” in all 3 mentioned categories it still works today … because of you.
Because of the average person.
After all, the tabloids sell to you; in tourism, these companies show their awards to you, to make themselves more attractive to you; and “coaches” and “motivational speakers” also profit from you with their unoriginal, stolen materials that are used without indicating the source.

How is all this possible?
That you don’t ask, you don’t check, you just “eat” what they put in front of you.

And this is exactly why big politics, the world economy, and the “dark knights” or anyone can feed/sell anything to the masses.

Well, and as unpleasant as it sounds, it starts with you.

How?
In the way that you were taught that superiors cannot be questioned.
That old people should be respected.
That x is something you have to believe in, to be considered as a good person.
That you are a “real” man if you work yourself half dead and provide for your family and don’t show your emotions.
That you are a “real” woman if you give birth, excel in washing, cooking, cleaning and put everyone before yourself.
I won’t continue, I think you feel it.

Against all these:
Why wouldn’t the superiors be asked? When and how did they become infallible?
Just because someone is old doesn’t mean they deserve respect.
A few hundred or a few thousand kilometers away, something else is considered to be the definition of a good person.
“Real” is not an adjective that can be defined socially as a whole, but can only and exclusively be given by the partner, so this adjective has (also) infinite interpretations.

So that you wouldn’t need to fight every day with who is covering you with what, be it the media or any social network, you have to whip yourself, your life into shape.
In order to be able to live what and how you really want, first you need to know yourself, to know who you really are, what you want, what things and values are important to you.
And you also need to know: we are not the same and that is wonderful. So you don’t have to become anything if you don’t feel that as your identity. You do the best for yourself and for the world, when you are your authentic self.

And I shouldn’t even ask, if media workers can lie without batting an eye, if companies can buy themselves certain recognitions, if those who award them can be corrupted, if coaches and motivational speakers can reach the masses with plagiarized material, then why shouldn’t lie the stars off of the sky the politicians, those who manage the world economy, the “dark knights”?

I don’t think this current “order” from the top down will ever change for the better.
However, I do believe that if more and more of us, the “average people” understand,
that everyone has the right to live their own life as they wish (as long as it does not cause any harm to others),
that we cannot take out our frustrations about our own lives on others,
that if we do not erase, rewrite certain parts of our history, but face them and learn from them,
if we try not to do anything to others that we would hate to happen to us,
if we tried to help each other more, support each other better,
if allowing, understanding, care and love would rule the critical mass,
then we can achieve that there are no people in politics and on social networks who shout the opposite of all these for their own personal (usually purely material) interests.

It could be a much better, more liveable, significantly more harmonious, happier place, all it takes, is that we don’t wait for the “big guys”, always for someone else to do something!?!
We should do it!
The “average people”, the you and the me.

PS: In 1991 and 1995 Michael Jackson already sang all this … it would be time to act …

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BWf-eARnf6U

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QNJL6nfu__Q

New Year’s Resolutions – or?

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So here we are, in 2023.
A new year with new energies, new possibilities, new hopes and aims.
And for many, January 1st means new year’s resolutions.

First of all, let me say, nothing is wrong with new year’s resolutions … IF …

OK, so are you one of those who make them? Do they usually work out for you? Do they give you the feeling of success, accomplishment, joy when at the end of the year you look back and see what and how you did with them? When your answer is yes, then congratulations!
These resolutions seem to work for you as great motivators and guides.
Great job, cool routine, keep on making them and follow them through!
Good on you through and through.

Likely the rest what follows here is not for you.

It is for you, who is not in the above category, but you still make them, still give them a go year after year.

And now about that IF I wrote above.

In case you are one who makes those resolutions and generally you do not keep them, they do not work out for you and that makes you sad, upset, angry, talking down on yourself, feeling of unworthiness and alike, I have a question for you: what makes you go through the same/very similar process year after year?

Is it a tradition in your family? This is what you were told you were supposed to do? You do it because your friend/partner is doing it? Because you want to achieve certain things and you feel you need a starting point?

Whatever is the case, the bottom line is, if this system brings you more negative emotions than positive ones, then you simply just need to drop this ‘custom’.

Let’s dive in a bit.
Resolutions are basically goals.
They can be about anything, health, wellbeing, relationships, finances, work, whatever really.
Only because they are tied to the beginning of the year, they got this fancy title of new year’s resolutions.
The fact though is, that goal setting does not require a specific date.
It can be that you wake up on a gloomy Tuesday morning in March and realize, your coffee intake is over the roof and probably that is (one of) the reason why your sleep is not that peaceful, recharging, and perfect as you wish it to be. So immediately you can take action and have 1 or 2 coffees less already that day, give yourself a timeframe of two weeks and see what this change brings you. Falling asleep easier, sleeping better, getting up with more energy? Superb! You can decide to continue with having less coffee and enjoy your sleep more.
Or, if it doesn’t give you any benefit, only you feel even more crazy as you are missing those coffees, you can add them back and can start looking for other options to get a better sleep.

And this is how it works with any kind of a goal.
Set it, test it, do it, timeframes may vary, evaluate, decide accordingly whether to continue with that specific action or drop it.

Now opposed to this, stands the new year’s resolution where many go overboard.
They make a long list and make each of them on the list really big.
Like this is the year when I start going to the gym and will lose x amount of weight, get a body ready for a fitness competition and all that by December 31st – great idea, but if you haven’t done any exercises in ages (or ever), haven’t done your research to see who, where offers what, who, where can support you how, haven’t figured out your (real) reasons behind why you are out of shape, carrying extra weight, how you will be able to fit a new routine into your schedule, then it is quite likely that by the end of January you throw in the towel.
It is (generally) exactly the same story with any kind of a new year’s resolutions.
They are big, ambitious, emotionally charged, often impulsive and kind of repetitive from year after year as they never get carried out, fulfilled.

It doesn’t have to be like this.

You can drop this whole concept and do it all on your terms.

Every day is a new starting point. It doesn’t matter what date is stamped on that day.
Whenever something comes up that you want to do for yourself, your family, your community, just think it over, write it out, set that goal and go for it.

By the way, when you are like me and dislike the word goal and/or resolution, you don’t need to use them.
Call them your dreams, visions, ideas, baby beans, whatever you want to call them.
It’s not the title, it’s the actions around them that counts.

And I want you to know from the very beginning of your next ‘baby bean planting’, not all of them can be done, not all will happen, and not all will happen as you want it, when you want it.
It doesn’t mean anything is wrong with you!
It only means that life sometimes takes us to different directions, with a different time schedule.

So, the IF is that it only is a good idea, when you feel good about it, when it brings you positive feelings, when it helps you feel better.

Find and get in the flow, welcome the changes, stay true to yourself and chase your dreams, regardless!

A wish list from me to you

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Happiness
Health
Love
Wealth
Success
Beauty
Motivation
Connections
Soulfulness
Courage
Positivity
Fabulousness
Magic
Healing
Kindness
Empowerment
Peace
Laughter
Tolerance
Dreams
Enthusiasm
Fun
Abundance
Optimism
Intimacy
Balance
Ecstasy
Genuity
Inspiration
Resilience
Authenticity
Passion
Wisdom

And here are two songs in case you need a mood uplift.
Both can be listened to at any time – although one of them is Christmas themed – as what they say is valid all year round, in any situation.
You do deserve it all and you are able to fight for yourself!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E7lqYSD22jw 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xo1VInw-SKc

Merry Everything, Happy Always!

The holiday / pain season

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It is December, the so-called jolliest month of the year.
TV channels, the Internet, radio stations are showing, broadcasting endless Christmas movies, music, ads, related tear-jerking stories, and charity events, the shops, restaurants, bars, villages and cities are fully decorated … there is no way one could not realize that the countdown is on.
Christmas is pouring onto everyone from every possible and even sometimes impossible angle.

So, no wonder that a few days ago, I made the mistake of watching some Christmas movies.
Oh boy!

About 20 minutes into it I was sad, then angry, and by the end of it I was fuming.
My curiosity made me watch a few more films to check whether it was only a one-off occurrence.
As a result, I can say that by the look of it, many creative and production people just are, or with time got careless, insensitive, and clueless of present days’ mental health issues.

In the first show I watched, a woman is going home for Christmas after a breakup, planning for a relaxing, do nothing, high in self-care kind of a stay. In the very minute she gets to the front door of her parents’ house the mental abuse, the pressuring, the aggressive you must fit in kind of bullshit starts. Not only from her very own parents but from every member of the neighbourhood too.
In the next one, she gets dumped by her boyfriend by an awfully obnoxious speech from him, then just before Christmas they accidently meet again and he behaves as a master asshole, assuming her not saying much (actually due to her shock) means a yes and so he starts planning their lives together, tries to make a pass at her (and of another girl from town too), repeatedly, all together acting like a horny, arrogant, perfect example of toxic masculinity.
In another one a complete failure of communication and excess amount of assumptions are messing up the main characters’ lives.
Yet in another one a mother/manager is pushing her daughter to do and be as she sees it best, mainly for fame and money, ignoring the grown up daughter’s clearly expressed wishes.

That is how much I could take, and unfortunately, it all made me certain, that this is a tendency, present in many movies.
In movies that have a huge, often bigger than healthy, influence on people.

When one is curling up for some relaxing and is looking forward to some light-hearted, romantic, Christmassy holiday fun, the last thing one needs is anyone pushing their face into all that crap that they may fight all year round.
Being pushed, pressured, not listened to, getting mentally abused, belittled, harassed, constantly questioned about life choices are serious, real-life issues that millions are struggling with on a daily basis.
These are issues, in my opinion, that have no place in any fun, holiday movies.

For you all, who maybe wrestling with any of the mentioned issues, please know, you are good, not broken, you have all the right to be who and how you want to be and that nobody, no family close or far, no partner, no kid, no neighbour, no boss, no colleague, no politician, no ‘society’, simply no one has the right to tell you otherwise.
Also know, that asking for and using help is an absolutely brave and in many situations, a lifesaver thing to do. Reach out to someone you feel you can trust. Please!

And as for this holiday, or for any other one ever, you have all the right to keep yourself away from people, gatherings and/or situations that you feel are stressing you out, where you feel, you might need to give yourself up in order to fit in.

Also, let’s not forget those countless number of people who, for various reasons, do not like it or even get sad around this time of the year.
The reasons are irrelevant for others, unless the person is ready to share those but just to give an idea, among them are those who simply don’t care for Christmas, those who associate it with some bad memories, like a breakup, losing a job/house/livelihood, the passing of a loved one, a childhood trauma, or are feeling lonelier than at any other time of the year, whatever.
All those feelings are valid!
Again, no one has the right to invalidate anyone for feeling differently from them.
One of the craziest and actually the most hurtful what you can say to such a person is ‘Come on, but it’s Christmas’. Their answer will be ‘Exactly!’.

So, all I wish for Christmas and for any holidays in general, that go, celebrate as you would want to and let others do as they would want to.
Go crazy with decorations, do all the related activities, celebrate at large, at home, away from home, alone or with others, or don’t celebrate at all, or anything in between, are all right.
Your way is not better or worse, only different.

Be kind, be understanding, allow people to be, spread love.
And if you for whatever reason are not able to do these, then just shut the fuck up and leave people be.

Toxic influences

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November 19th is International Men’s Day.
Did you celebrate it? Did you buy gifts to the important men in your life?
Did you let them know that you are proud of them, that you love them, that you think of them?

No?
You were not even aware that this day exists?
Or you were but you thought it is nothing special nor important?

Whichever is the case, it clearly shows double standards.

Why?

For one, because it is ‘observed by’ 58 Countries, opposed to International Women’s Day that is ‘observed by’ worldwide.
And second, because if you are not greeted, celebrated on International Women’s Day, at least with some flowers, then you get upset, feel down, moan about it or what not.

Bear with me, no, it is not a post to bash women, nor men.
Quite the opposite.

It is about a tendency that is present in our lives, that is going strong on all social media platforms, and it is clearly toxic.

What am I talking about?

What I am talking about is women working on becoming equal in their rights to men with all the wrong tools and attitude.
Not like feminism at its best:
‘Feminism, that is the belief and advocacy of the political, economic, personal, and social equality of the sexes. Feminism incorporates the position that society prioritizes the male point of view and that women are treated unjustly in these societies. Efforts to change this include fighting against gender stereotypes and establishing educational, professional, and interpersonal opportunities and outcomes for women that are equal to those for men.’

And it is something that I stand behind 100%.
Women and men (and any other human gender in between) are equal.
Without one or the other gender the world would cease to exist as we know it.

What I can’t stand behind at all is the above-mentioned tendency.
That is when women are trying to lift up other women by talking down, belittling men, when they preach how women are better than men, when they preach that a man showing his feelings is weak, that a man who cries is a pussy.
Basically, doing exactly the same than the man who are labelled (rightfully) toxic.

While at the same time other women are upset, that they can’t connect to men as they are closed off, have (show) no emotions.
While worldwide statistics show that the number of men committing suicide is about the double of the number of women.

Yes, I am absolutely aware that throughout history at most part of the world at most of the time men had all the power and women were oppressed.
Yes, I am totally aware that it is still so at some part of the world today too.
Yes, I agree it must change.
Yes, I support those changes.

BUT

No, I can’t support looking down on men of today for the mistakes and sins done by their predecessors.
No, I don’t find it helpful that because of those men still working on keeping an upper hand over women one would generalize and talk shit on all men.
No, I don’t agree that if now women got to become the leading gender that would do only good.
No, I am absolutely against raising any gender above the other.

Yes, ladies, do learn to be secure in who you are, to not let anyone tell you how to look, how to dress, what to learn, what type of job to do.
Yes, ladies, please know, you do have all the rights over your body, dare to stand up for yourselves against anyone saying otherwise.
Yes, you can choose how you want to lead your life, what do you want, and what do you don’t want in it.

BUT

No, your security in yourself can’t stem from kicking men in general.
No, your fighting for your rights can’t bring a positive outcome when in return you suggest taking some rights away from men.
No, you realising and cherishing your rights to choose for yourself the life you want, can’t mean that you do the exact same towards men as men were doing throughout history towards women.

You see, the reality is that there are just as many toxic women around as toxic men.
Those women, who always find fault not only in men but in another women too, those who are always ready to criticize others for how they raise their kids, for how and what they cook or bake, for what they find important in life and what they don’t, for why they work, for they don’t work, for why they lost the baby weight pretty fast after birth, for why they didn’t lose it after x amount of time, for why they invest in their own self-development, for why they don’t, for why they start their own business, for why they don’t, for why they don’t have kids, for why they have 5, for how they dare to wear that outfit, for why they are not more brave, for why they wear make-up, for why they don’t, for why they have tattoos, for why they don’t, … their finding something to criticize in women and in men is endless.

Let’s face it, toxic masculinity is out there and by now we have toxic femininity too, which is just as harmful.
It instead of helping towards solutions, only makes more problems, more pain.

There is one thing you must understand, when a woman, a man, an alien, whomever criticizes you without even knowing you, knowing your whole story, it means nothing!
Those creatures only reflect their frustrations onto you.

So please, when you have, do, choose, decide whatever for yourself, don’t do it by criticizing, putting someone (men) else down.
No need for that.
No benefit in that.

Once we all realise that there is only one difference between people, and that is not their gender, religion, skin colour, or anything else but it is whether they are good or bad people, then we can build a world to be a happy place for all of us.

Equality, partnership, human rights are for all to understand and have.
That is, what can lead to a happy, loving, balanced life to everyone.

The power of balance

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On the Northern Hemisphere autumn is in, what means shorter days, less sunshine and a fast-approaching winter.

Nature, the only perfect design on Earth, knows what it is doing.
Fauna and flora are preparing.
Squirrels are stocking up on nuts, bears are making their caves comfortable, fishes are finding the best spots in the bottom of bodies of water, trees are letting their leaves fall, all are preparing for the cold weather.
For nature it is obvious that it needs some rest, regeneration, and growth in order to flourish.
It knows that all needs and takes time.
For it is no question that life is about balance and circles.

On the other hand humans, who nowadays live in the so called civilized world, who once upon a time understood the laws of nature and lived by them, in harmony with them – unlike all indigenous nations who are still living so –, by now are completely ignoring them.
Let themselves fall into the trap of endlessly chasing success and results, keep themselves under constant performance pressure, married to stress, more and bigger is always the aim, nothing is enough, nothing is good enough, balance became a ‘spiritual woo-woo’ concept.
All that resulted in enormous number of people suffering from anxiety, depression and other mental health issues, millions are unhappy, countless are in survival mode instead of living.
And we call this the civilized world – how funny and arrogant.

You can fight it, you can disagree with it, you can deny it, can come up with all the excuses and counterarguments, can say it is cliché;
none will change the truth of the matter, that balance is a must for a fully lived life.

No one has a long, happy and healthy life being constantly on.
Medical statistics clearly show that heart attacks, strokes, high blood pressure, cancer and so on, all are consequences of an overstressed lifestyle.
And that means both professional as well as private life.
Not only you have to have days off of work on a fairly regular schedule, when you are truly off, without calls, emails and the like but you have to have some time off of your usual routinely private life too.
Humans perform best when they give themselves time to rest, regenerate and grow, exactly as nature is doing it.

Especially nowadays, when in the ‘civilised’ world we are all exposed to a non-stop flow of information and impulses both online and off, our mind, heart and soul NEED some breaks.

Everyone must find that hobby, that activity, that sport, that whatever, that one is happy to indulge in, and is able and is doing without any kind of pressure.
Nothing that one does competitively will help as that is also stress on the human system.

Reading to get lost in different worlds, knitting for the sake of knitting, doing photography with the only intension of recording something for the future, listening to or making music to let it take you to another headspace, playing games for the sake of being together and connecting, gardening for its beauty, doing some DIY things for the enjoyment of the process and the final product, doing any kind of sports for its excitement, for the joy of spending time with the team mates or fellow sportsmen, connecting to nature by sitting on a seaside and watching a sunrise or sunset, going for walks, hikes, runs for to simply clear the mind and be with self and nature, these all can help to find balance.

On and off, fighting and relaxing, feeling sad and feeling happy, being emotional and being logical, keep on enduring and changing directions, physical and spiritual … they all are components of life.
There is no universal way to reach balance, for each it is different how to get there and be in that state when body, mind and soul are healthy, joyous and full of life.

If you haven’t yet, I urge you to set out to find your own way.
When you may be too far in the opposite direction, when you have no clue where and how to start, look for and use help.
It is always a profitable investment.
It worth all the effort, as finding and being in balance will benefit you in leading a happy, enjoyable, healthy, loving life.

It is a rewarding achievement.

Talking about sex

/in , , , /by

While I knew I wanted to write something about sex in this post, I didn’t know exactly what and while I was thinking about it suddenly Facebook provided the ‘solution’.

The admin of a group wrote: ‘I think we should talk about when, with whom and why women have sex. This will be today’s topic, if I have time to write it, it will be great, we will have debates about it, I am sure.’

These two sentences were enough to start a tsunami of comments.
Everyone had something to say, some jokingly, some seriously.

By the time the post popped in front of me, it had over 60 comments (by now it is over 250).
Started reading them and saw that many people suggested that the particular post waiting to be written should go to a closed group rather than the public one.

I had to react to this. So I wrote:
‘How strange… (almost) everyone does it, but already after the proposal, without the writing itself, several people would steer the topic into closed/protected environments. Why can’t we talk about sex openly? The question is poetic, I know more about it than I care to admit.’

Naturally, there were answers.

One was that it is not that the topic is secretive, but since there may be acquaintances in this group, what one writes may get back to the family, respectively that the neighbour has nothing to do with what happens in her bedroom.

Also, the husband isn’t on Facebook, so she doesn’t have to be afraid of him even if she was posting something intimate.
But according to her, there are things that might be taboo at home.
There is also the case that the woman desires something different from the man or vice versa (she has acquaintances like that).
However, this can still mean a good, sex life because let’s say one of them doesn’t want to take sex to the next level.
And that a relationship can be good even without sex (she also has such friends).
Someone can still love another person and live peacefully and happily, even though they cannot find common ground in sex.
There may be such an age difference that makes the libido of one of them no longer satisfy the other, but they are still happy, and they don’t want to talk about this.
And much more.
And if both parties read this page, but one does not want to talk about it but the other does, then the publicity would not be fair either.

And that speaking/writing openly is not the same as being seen by many of your acquaintances.

All of this was written by everyone before the writing itself had even been created, so none of us had any idea what the admin was thinking about the mentioned topic.

Of course, I didn’t, I couldn’t leave the comments addressed to me unanswered.
Because the overall picture is brutal.

Adults who do have sex, but don’t take on their opinion about it (so that acquaintances don’t see it), is despairing in my opinion.
I agree that neither the neighbour, nor anyone else has anything to do with who, what, with whom and how does it in sex (as long as it is about adult, consenting partners), but from an open, honest conversation and exchange of opinions, anyone could learn, develop, widen their viewing angle, whoever it may be.

For me, the fact that someone is afraid that their opinion, thoughts about sex might get back to their partner or spouse, calls into question the depth and authenticity of that entire relationship.

All other listed phenomena – except when it comes to a relationship between two asexual people – are usually self-deception.
These are the things people keep telling themselves for shorter/longer periods of time because of their convenience, cowardice, self-esteem issues, etc., these are the tepid water situations in which they get stuck in.

Until they feel so badly screwed up that they start to seek some kind of help, and realize that it can be better, that they have the right to have it better, that they too deserve better.
Together or apart, but it can be and they can have it.

Don’t wait for this point, as soon as the dialogues get missed, don’t work, as soon as you get to the point where you know that something is not good for you in that relationship and you can’t solve it by yourselves, seek help right away, either a coach or a therapist, but don’t lie to yourself, don’t suffer unnecessarily.

Life is too short not to give yourself the opportunity to have better, to be happier!

Movies vs. Life

/in , /by

Woah … pure WTF!
People are going crazy because in a new movie a sex scene is too dark, showing a man in power taking advantage of a not sober woman.
Crowds are flipping out because in another movie a fictional character got portrayed with a different skin colour then before.
Some complain that in a film a criminal’s story was not shown exactly as it happened in real life.
A women called boycott against a new movie because those portrayed witchcrafts and spells can come through the screen and affect all those watching.
Others are in shock that what age differences were between actors playing couples in movies.
Also, why are straight persons impersonating gay people on screen, why is this character white and not coloured, or the other way round.
Or that character should have had different body size, hair colour, costume, whatever not.
… and it goes on. Endlessly.

People are putting time, energy, effort into collecting things that they do not approve in MOVIES.

Oh, for fuck’s sake!

Movie, by definition, is a ‘recording of moving images that tells a story and that people watch on a screen or television’.
Story, by definition, is a ‘description, either true or imagined, of a connected series of events’.
Script, by definition, is a ‘written work for a film, television show, or other moving media, that expresses the movement, actions and dialogue of characters. Screenplays, or scripts, are the blueprint for the movie’.
Script writer, by definition, is ‘someone who writes stories for movies, television programs, radio, etc.’.

Movies show stories written by creative people, who might use some elements of real-life events, might have the whole story as an original idea of theirs and might combine the two.

Also, in movies the characters are played by actors.
Actor, by definition, is ‘someone whose job is to play a character in films or plays’.

So, what does all that leave us with?
That movies are not reality.
That actors are people who in their job impersonate certain creatively written characters. An actor is not their role. They are a person and playing a role is their job.
Movies do not equal real life.

Can you wrap your head around this?!?!

On the other hand, those who lash out with some above-mentioned kind of ‘complaints’ about a movie, are just simply people who, very likely, have no guts to face their own reality, to face the issues in their own lives, who fall into the ‘karen’ and/or ‘snowflake’ category.

Real life gives us enough issues to take care of.
Imagine what amazing of a positive change it could bring if all that time, energy, and effort of that many people was put into something that would really mean something.
Like stopping human trafficking, child abuse, bullying, discrimination of all kinds, sexual exploitation, …

Oh yes, these might hit home too strong.
One would need to look into the mirror and see their own faults.
And that shit is difficult.
Only the emotionally strong ones are able to do that.

Only them, who can have a look at their own lives and see what and where can be improved.
Not picking details from movies.

Only them, who in real life explain to their kids that making fun of their classmate just because they are different on any level is not okay.
Not complaining that x movie was not portraying such issue correctly.

Only them, who can in real life, stop their colleague from harassing someone in the office.
Not criticizing an actress in a film for showing more skin so she asked for it.

Only them, who can, in real life, protect one in a public space when gets attacked for any kind of different appearance.
Not joking about how in that movie the actor wasn’t even really gay.

Only them, who have ears for people in their lives to hear and help them on some way with their mental health issues.
Not laughing about a character in a movie suffering with mental health and calling them pussy.

Only them, who see and understand that women and men, all, may have issues and may are in need of help.
Not showing that movie to their kids and telling them not to be the ‘weak shit’ asking for help.

Only them, who can look at their own actions and do better whenever, wherever they can.

Life is constant change.
You can change.
You can help others to change.
Aim better, aim higher.
Be that emotionally strong person, who cleans up their own life and helps others to get better too.

Stop mixing things up.
Movies are for entertainment, watch them for that.
Life is the real deal, be present in it, make the most and best of it.