Ins and outs of a breakup

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In my video on YouTube last week, I was talking about breakups, about the actual way of how to do it ‘well’.
That is one (crucial) part of the whole process.
Obviously, there is, as with everything, more to it.

Like there are people who always break up just before the relationship would get to the next level, to get to a serious, long term commitment.
In general, those people prefer easy, loose, light connections, are not ready to or are, for whatever reason, afraid to commit.

Of course, nothing is wrong with any kind of a preference.
Only is most beneficial to clarify the intensions quite early in the process of getting to know one another.

If it is being afraid of commitment and is realised by the person her/himself, then it can be worked on, then professional help (coach, psychologist) can be the guide through a faster healing process.

When two people get together who both prefer a light, fun, easy connection then all is perfect, green light for keep going.

But when one is after a more serious, a more committed, more ‘let’s build a life together’ kind and the other is not, then is best to not even pursue any further that road together.
Don’t get into a relationship thinking ‘oh, doesn’t matter what s/he thinks, I will change that’.
NO.
You won’t.
Or sometimes you will, on the surface but the person will be suffering beneath it.

Any and all lasting change start from within. Not by an outside force.

Meaning that if one gets to a realization that they want to change, they will initiate it.
When it is an outside force then the options are of strong resistance or a not heartfelt ‘I’ll  give it a try’ that won’t lead anywhere, or of eventually giving in but that will not last (maybe only till the break up).

Another crazy tendency I want to mention is after the break up saying all the ugly things about the ex.
Yes, I know, sometimes really nasty things happen but still!
Think about it, it was you who spent x amount of time with that person, it was you who decided to get into a relationship with that person, it was you who was in a relationship with that person.

Sure, with time you might have realized the person was not 100% legit, not completely who they said they were or the opposite, you didn’t believe they are as they said they were.
Still, you should not make the mistake of throwing mud at your ex … it does get you muddy too!

After a breakup you want to vent to your best friend. Fine. Do it.
What ever you need to do (get drunk, cry, indulge in food, say things out loud, … ), do it but do it in private!
Never get yourself into the unpleasant situation that people get to ask you ‘if the person is really so, then why at all were you in a relationship with her/him?’

True, we do get disappointed, we might misread someone, we might find out certain characteristics sometimes at a later stage in a relationship, this all can happen.
One major difference is how do we handle it.
Hating won’t help you, but learning from it will benefit you greatly.

So about a breakup is not only the actual breaking up that we can do better but also the recognizing early of what might lead to it so we can deal with the thing on hand way better.
Plus we can clean up our act on how do we deal with the aftermath of it.

It is kind of unavoidable for breakups to come about, but it is up to us whether we keep marching on pointing only at others for what happened to us, or we are taking it as a learning opportunity and try our best to be and do better from then on for our own sake.

An often hidden ‘ghost’

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Have you ever heard the expression ‘trauma response’?
It is mostly used for the emotional response to some terrible events, like an accident, rape or natural disaster.

On a seemingly lighter level, agreeing to things just to keep the peace, is actually also a trauma response that becomes part of life of a relationship dependent person.

It originates mostly from childhood, when for the parents, family members to not to have a go at the kid for whatever reason, s/he learns that the easiest way out is to agree – even though s/he doesn’t feel it, think it so – to whatever the adult is saying, so peace can be had.

On top of that when a person is relationship dependent, is often times a response to experiencing the mostly non-recognised trauma of repeatedly being told, and so conditioned to, that ‘you are nothing’, ‘you never going to make it by yourself’, ‘you never will be able to make a life for yourself’, ‘you can’t stand on your own feet’, ‘you are unviable’ and so on.

As a result, this person can only imagine their adult life within a relationship, where they are under the impression that with the other person by their side now they are someone, now they are able to have a life, to survive, be secure, to live.
And so to upkeep the relationship they agree to everything their partner wants, in the hope that it will make it last.

Usually, this person has no personal boundaries or if they do then continuously disrespect those for the sake of ‘peace’.

Being relationship dependent by all means blocks the way to become and live as a self-confident, independent, secure, stable person, prevents or at least interferes with the person’s growth, of achieving their highest potential, of living their own life on their own terms.

Being relationship dependent is only a way of existing and not a way of living.

When one realises this trap and builds the courage to decide to get out of such scenario, for most, coaching can switch on the light at the end of the tunnel and be the necessary help to be able to take that journey to a brighter, more healthy way of life.

When you recognise yourself in the above written, I wish you all the strength to rise up, get some help and rewrite the rest of your life story on a personally more satisfying, free, (self)loving way.

Next Step for me

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It was nearly 6 years ago when I started a Facebook page with the intension of sharing some of my thoughts to help to heal, chill, learn, move forward or just simply ‘saying out loud’ some thoughts that one couldn’t or wouldn’t do for her/himself.
Then a little over a year ago, as I had the privilege to work with more and more people through what I grew steadily and continuously both as a coach and as a person, I started this website to do the same in an ‘even more me’ environment and was shifting the emphasis to here.

As of today, I am ready for the next step.

Introducing my YouTube channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCxqlZbNISn405gY9nWY5vRg

The planned structure is that every week there will be a video or a blog post, alternately.
Every second week you will have something new to read here and on the week in between a new video will be aired on YouTube.

Hopefully, you will continue to find some positive encouragement in my content and when you get to the point, you will contact me to work together.

Thank you for your ongoing support, positive feedback and encouragement!

As always, I believe it to be true for all of us: the best is yet to come.

Contemplation on breakups

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We all experience it in our lives. Some of us more than once.
Sometimes it gets brutal, sometimes smooth, some foreseeable, some completely unexpected.
Whether it happens after 6 weeks, 6 month or 6 years, however way it happens, someone will get hurt in it.

As with everything in life, here also are two sides to the story.
One is to be the one initiating the breakup, the other is to be broken up with.

Being broken up with unexpectedly, without a relatable explanation, I believe is the most difficult one of the possible combinations.
Comes as a shock and leaves you alone to deal with it without a handrail by which you could start to dig yourself out of the hole.

Okay, when the other just disappears into thin air without as much as one single word, that is worse.
That is a class act ‘jerk-ism’.

Breakups are inevitable parts of our lives. Sometimes we will be on this, and sometimes on the other side of the slash. If not in an intimate relationship (some are lucky to find their true partner for the first) then in a friendship, in family relations or in business partnership.
The question is not if we going to experience it but when and how.

To do good by one’s Karma, to be a decent human being, you might want to consider the followings.
Although all breakups are unique as are the relationships, there are some ‘rules’ that can be applied in most situations.
Of course in case of any toxic crap going on, there isn’t much to consider, just get out of and far from it ASAP.
In any other case, first think, weigh the heaviness of the issue, communicate, look for ways to mend what is mendable.
There is no such thing as instant perfect. Perfect needs work. It needs time, willingness, open and honest communication, care and love.

When all above proves to be futile then it is time to breakup.
Face to face in person, not in public, keep it civilised, save the scene/crazy drama, say/listen what is to be said, hold it together and then walk away.

Once it is done, talk with someone you trust (friend, family), allow all emotions to go through you, don’t block any of it. When the shock/pain subsides realize it happened for a reason, it showed your incompatibility and so you both are better off on your separate ways.
Now it is time to take care of yourself. The longer you were in that relationship the more likely you need to figure yourself out again, to ‘upgrade’ your identity, to get back to your authentic self.
Enjoy the you-time. Do not hurry yourself.
Don’t force yourself out to the dating scene before digesting the learning of that relationship and breakup, before healing completely.

You only can receive and give well when you are stable, in balance and open.
Connection and love are beautiful. You deserve the best of it.
Never give up!
Just know: the best is yet to come.

Another kind of loathsome

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In recent days I experienced something that triggered me.
Nothing devastating only sad, discouraging and/or annoying.
But then again, the more I was thinking about it, the more I thought that indeed it is something big and serious, although commonly we just wave it off, shrug and move on.

This action is, in general, get to be talked about a lot – now I am not getting into of what I think of the how – but this subspecies of the act, I feel is getting overlooked.

It is abuse, specifically the abuse of time.

Abuse is often subject of discussions, of warnings, of certain teachings of what to be careful about and how to recognise signs of it as early as possible.
These talks are mainly about physical, emotional, sexual and sometimes about organizational/institutional abuse.
They are much needed discussions and people must be made aware of how they can protect themselves from it or if they had already fallen victim of, then how to get out of, recover from any of such experience.
Nowadays various kind of help is available to those suffering from any of it, so once they realize and admit to themselves that this is what is happening to them, they have the chance to ask for help and recover, eventually.

But if one’s time gets abused?
By someone who is constantly late without any acceptable reason?
By someone who constantly cancels at the very last moment and so screwing up your plans?
Or if after a few hours or days, you discover that the other’s motives in a discussion/connection, let it be business or private, were exclusively selfish, with only their own interest and sake in their mind but all that was presented to be as a possible mutually beneficial communication?
Of course, we can emotionally overcome of such crap fast, saying that ‘shit happens’, not all are as they say they are.

But the real pain here is that time can not be recovered!
Time that we tend to take for granted.
Time that could have been better spent.
Time that never comes back, never can be relived.
Time that never waits, never stops.

When anyone around you shows signs of such irresponsible, even if lightly but abusive behaviour, call them out on it.
They might not even have been aware of the nature of such doing.
Do not let it slide!
Call attention to it while it is ‘small’, you might just be able to stop someone growing into a more serial/serious kind of an abuser.

By all means you’d be demolishing the ‘I didn’t realize’ excuse, at least.

 

From the Cambridge English Dictionary:
Abuser is someone who treats another person in a cruel, violent or unfair way.
Someone who uses something in a way that is harmful or morally wrong.

Fallen angels – a ‘what if’ concept

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In a recent discussion where we were talking about life, relationships, sex, music, he showed me a song.
In its lyrics fallen angels were mentioned … that started some thoughts in me …

What if we – people –  were all fallen angels?
What if we really all are children of God?
What if life, as we call it here on Earth, is a process we are sent to go through to learn?
What if Earth is the school of Heaven?
What if we all really are coming from and going to the same place?
What if soul is real and is eternal?
What if our soul is our angelic being?

For many of you, I guess, it sounds crazy but bare with me a bit longer, please.

Angels do not have a hierarchy, have no race, no colour, no religion, no possessions.
All they have, all they are, is love.
They see each other as same.

So, if it was the truth, we were all fallen (to Earth) angels, would that help you to see yourself and others in a different light?
Would that help you to understand that you are no less, no more than the next person?
Would this make it a bit lighter to deal with jerks around you because then they are only playing a role in your life so you can complete your learning?
Would that help you to deal with death a little easier, since if this scenario is the truth, then it means one goes when the task, the learning is done, and the soul is getting back into its angelic being?

Yes, I know, a lot of ‘but-s’ are coming … my only ‘but’ though, is that if this is helping you in any way to get onto better terms with yourself, to make it even a tad bit easier to get that grip on life, to see love as a never ending source in you, then might as well you can take it and use it.

What if we all are fallen angels with a mission, with some dark and some light in all of us and what if denying any of this means denying our true nature?

 

Celebrating another ‘day’

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… so today is International Women’s day, today women young and old are celebrated in the most part of the world …
Those women who on other days get mum-shamed, body shamed, abused verbally, mentally, physically, raped and then pointed finger at and said she asked for it … and so on.

There are other ‘precious’ days in the calendar too, like Valentine’s Day when lovers show their love to their partner through gifts and gestures and the day before and after keep cheating on them, keep degrading them, don’t appreciate them.

Or there is Father’s Day when those men get elevated onto a pedestal for their amazing fatherness. Only the day before and after they get ignored, criticised for how they hold their own child, get told off that they are the worst why they allow/accept this or that for/in their children.

And the list could go on but you get the idea.

We have plenty of celebrations, special days written in the calendar and to comply with societal expectations we do our best to show we do know those days, we do what is expected.
Just have a look at any of the social media sites. All are there and showing (off) their feelings and gifts.

By now I am sure you sense it, I am not the biggest fan of such ‘special days’.
In my world if you are in love then you love every day, if you have a mother/father and you think they are the best then you feel like that all year round, if you appreciate and respect women then you do that all day and every day … and if you are not then don’t be a joke to ‘play nice’ for that one day for the ‘colleagues/neighbours to see’.

As for me, I feel it sickening and hypocritical when I see all the dirt, nastiness, attacks, criticism flowing like an endless river only being (kind of) stopped for one day in the year to celebrate certain groups of people.
In my ideal world we would all be caring, loving and allowing.
We would stop constantly looking over the fence into other’s gardens and give them unsolicited advice, opinion.
Rather, we would look around way more in our own world, keep looking into our own mirror to keep working on getting a nicer, better reflection.

Just stop complying with those, often only imagined, societal expectations.
Be the genuine, authentic, kind and caring person who you really are (or aspiring to be) all year round, regardless of the special title of the day.

Celebrate if you want to and know that you don’t have to!

About ‘it’

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Although countless invisible it is around us, one took over the world by having the largest press cover, major PR and full-blown marketing.

What it brings in its tow it is even more disturbing.
Because what this thing really is or is about, is with a high chance we will never fully find out but for sure, a point in time will come when it will be gone.
What it has brought, more than its it-ness will stay with us unfortunately way longer.

With its widespread and crafted publicity it managed to drive a huge wedge between people.
They started labelling one another like ‘believers’ and ‘deniers’.

Open any social media, start any conversation, be anywhere, connect to anyone and in about 2 minutes it will be the subject and arguments will start.
Often fierce ones and many times in a petty manner.
It will be about if it is real or not, if it is deadly or not, whether to wear a mask or not, if quarantine is a good solution or not …
… while people don’t seem to realize that they got forced out of their own lives, got pulled into a nasty ‘soap opera’ where they pretend that the world can be stopped.
It can’t. It won’t. Earth is spinning and life goes on. Regardless.

It got so loud that it shouts louder than many facts, like
– domestic violence cases are growing in numbers fast
– health care systems are falling apart and people are dying of fully unrelated illnesses
– millions lost their jobs, businesses
– education got messed up and at many cases stopped
– mental health issues are at an alarming high … and the list goes on.

In the meantime due to the sweeping it campaign people got blindsided and are not realizing that their choices, dignity, freedom, life got taken away from them.

Pointing fingers at, arguing with, accusing another person will not help your scarily well planted fears.
Will not make you feel better, lighter but actually the exact opposite.

What I believe in, is that now we really need to be there for one another.
Compassion, caring and love are the tools we need to use.

Although the surface is nothing but it, below it life keeps giving challenges to each and every one of us.
There are physical and material losses, heartbreaks, pains as well as are amazing, happy moments, new beginnings.
Life did not stop. It is in progress, it is happening, it is not waiting for anyone, for anything.

Before you fall into the next bitter argument about it, think!
It is fact and it is a universal law that the more we talk, think of, entertain any idea, thought or story, the more present it will be in our lives.
So although it is a huge, dark cloud above us all, just make the effort to feel better, to do better, to be better.

Don’t be the virus but be the cure!

Take on the world

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Travelling – I believe is one of the best tools to learn about people, cultures, nature, life and to understand the ignorance and invalidity of those complete obnoxiously stupid ideas of racism, sexism, any -ism really.

Wherever you go will experience something new, different, exciting, breathtaking, annoying, illogical by your own standards.
You will come across good people as well as some who will annoy the crap out of you.
When it comes to service, the same applies.
Often will experience amazing, caring, thoughtful service even though will might be different to what you got used to back at your own Country.
There will be also those occasions when it simply will not be acceptable.

A bouquet of my personal, practical experiences:
– just because you use the same hotel chain, save yourself from the misconception to expect the same level of service.
It will be different on many levels, like cleanliness, communication, basic operating principles
– high ratings for a place on any site is not a guarantee you not getting disappointed. This however works the other way round too!
– clean has way more interpretations than I’d ever imagined
– kind and friendly does not equal professional
– professional is not necessarily kind and friendly
– when visiting an attraction at the ticketing point you might get offered upgrading options/plus services to buy.
Before agreeing to any of it, make sure it is offered in your language, otherwise you can end up paying a higher price for something you get to understand not one word of
– when having the chance, try local food but know, most certainly it will taste different to what you flavoured back at home in that ‘nationality’ restaurant
– when travelling by car, keep in mind that parking also has different interpretations.
From underground garage to parking spaces in front of the building, from valet parking to wherever you find place on the surrounding streets, from free of charge to paying nearly as much for it as for the room itself
– being in a so classified elegant, upscale bar doesn’t mean your drink will be served in a proper (classical, taught in respected vocational schools) manner, but rest assured it will be expensive.

All that and many more.

If you are an avid traveller, I am sure you have your own list.

My conclusion however, is keep on travelling whenever you have the opportunity to do so.
Keep widening your horizon, your understanding of the world.

Convinced I am, it will make our world a better place by the more open-minded, adventurous, compassionate, more understanding, easy-going, more loving people.

Be one of them.

Labels versus Self

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The Internet in general, even more so all forms of social media, unsolicitedly floods people with any and all kind of ‘content’ and make looking up, finding information on anything into a matter of a few clicks.
Basically, whatever you are interested in you will find one opinion/explanation and the 180 degree opposite of it, plus anything in between in a matter of seconds.
To safely navigate all that, one needs to have self-knowledge and be self-confident, intelligent, educated, open minded, curious, understanding and allowing … at least, so it is easy to see why so rapidly numbers are rising of those in despair.

Lately I find, the biggest harm is caused by all those never trained, never studied, no responsibility, let me share my own two cents as it was the Holy Grail kind of ‘influencers’, ‘celebrities’, ‘YouTubers’, ‘Tik-Tokers’ and so on. Many of them hardly over the legal age.

The other day a friend called me and said: ‘I just saw a Tik-Tok video and from it I learned I am demisexual so I am not normal’. ‘What the heck?’ was my reaction, I blew up.
Thankfully, my friend shared it as a kind of an amusement, she is intelligent and whatever shit/label won’t change her view of herself but really, what the crap is going on?!?!?

‘That is not normal’ … ‘this is unhealthy’ … ‘you should do this’ … ‘you have to feel that way’ … all this and many more gets declared continuously by above mentioned type of people. And sadly, many fall into those traps.

No, the Holy Grail is not in my hands, no, I am not the one to know it best either but I am old enough, learned enough, seen enough and confident enough to say, in most cases there is not one ‘true’ way to be, to do.
And when it comes to sexuality and sex then I absolutely know and preach that no one has the right to tell you who you are, how you are, what is best for you!
You describe yourself as you want to, do whatever feels good to you!
As long as you are not hurting anyone, as long as you do it with consenting adult partner/s, everyone else needs to simply shut up and mind their own business.

Labels, such as demisexual, asexual, graysexual, allosexual and all others are surely useful from some research and medical point of view but in everyday life these are mostly only have the effect to divide people, to beat a wedge between them.

Have or don’t sex, be soft or rough or keep mixing it, use or don’t any sex toys, do it with one or more gender, be adventurous or a safe player in it … whatever you do, you need to be wanting it, be happy with it, enjoying it!
What you don’t need is anyone else’s approval, allowing or labelling.

Label yourself if you want to but never take any of that shit from any other person but you.