Slapping the story of a slap

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The world has gone mad, as far as I am concerned.

On a stage an actor slapped another actor AFTER a bad, hurtful joke that was on the account of a woman with an illness, the wife of the slapper.

Although to joke on any level with anyone’s illness and/or disability is just a plain no go, now the whole – social media – world is in uproar, about the slap.
Everybody is analysing what happened, what this means, what consequences does this have onto the world.
Behaviour analysts, feminists, psychologists, many are joining the choir, all giving their explanation, opinion, all serving it as the one and only truth and most making the slapper to be the antichrist.

All are shouting from behind the computer screens that the slapper should have been arrested on the spot, that it was an abuse, that it is unacceptable and the like.

Sure, because if it was the shouter, s/he would have stayed seated, it would have not upsetted them, they would not have let their emotions run them over, they are a perfect Buddha, they are in absolute control of themselves all the time, under all circumstances.

Bullshit!

Oh, how I love older times, when snowflakes were only part of winter weather.

Come on people, if you really want to be upset, if you really want to be outraged then you might want to consider the real world.
You know, the one where still people are dying because of hunger; where there are still wars happening; where kids still get bullied and because of it commit suicide; where rape is a daily occurrence; where paedophilia is actively alive; where beating people into pulp, killing them because of their skin colour, religion or sexual orientation; … this list is fucking endless.

And you are upset, disturbed and outraged because of a slap across a face?
This is what I find ridiculous.

Teach, preach, show an example of how life is done well (or at least better), of what kindness is, of how not to judge, of how not to declare ‘truth’ with only partial knowledge, of how not to discriminate.

Teach, preach, show an example of how to humanly handle a situation where some might have made a mistake, explain what and how could have been done better.

Teach, preach, show what to do, how to stand up for your loved ones when they get emotionally or physically hurt, attacked by someone.

Be human, be compassionate, be understanding.

Accept that you don’t know it all, that you don’t hold the holy grail.
None of us does.

Stop screwing things up as we have done already with so many things in the world that could have been something of a great learning, growing for many but eventually became just another ride for the egos, for the 15 minutes fame chasers.

Compassion and empathy are beautiful virtues.
Learn them, use them.

Not to mention that many millions of us were slapped across the face for even much less of a reason, and we all lived and so does the world.

To dream or not to dream

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Have you ever heard, read, been told any of these ‘motivational’ phrases:
‘Never give up’
‘Keep on going’
‘If you can dream it, you can become it’
‘You just need to be determined and you’ll get there’ … and the alike?

Sure you have.
And you did/do, till comes a day when you find yourself tired, confused, disheartened.

For years, for decades you had a dream, you were determined, you kept on going, you didn’t give up … and you didn’t make it.

Whatever that dream of yours is, a loving relationship, your own business, writing a book, making a living out of your creativity, whatever, this disappointment can happen, it does happen, and no, you are not alone experiencing this.

Also, ‘it’ not happening (yet) does not equal to anything being wrong with you.

What it means is that there are many other things you are occupied with.
It means you have a job, you are taking care of family, it means life keeps on happening and you just don’t find the time, the energy, the finances to push your dream towards reality.
You know, circumstances.
If this is the case, you need to understand that there always be circumstances that will not seem perfect for going after your dreams.

Just want you to be clear with this so you can maybe rethink your stand and check and change your priorities so you may start to push your dreams higher and higher up on your ‘to do list’, till you get to it and start bringing it alive.

On the other hand, if your dream didn’t happen yet due to you not believing in yourself, you doubting your own talent, you questioning your own worth, then it is high time you give yourself the chance by starting to work on yourself.
All these are blocks you developed, stories you are telling to yourself.

And blocks can be dissolved and stories can be changed.

For a business, writing, turning your creativity into a stream of income, for all, there are questions you would need to ask yourself and would need to be honest with your answers.
Often it is way more difficult to accomplish than as it sounds, and when this situation occurs an advisor/teacher/coach could help you the most to get on the road and finally start moving forward achieving your dreams.

Like, if it is about a loving relationship and you came to me to work for that dream of yours, I’d ask questions, like ‘how do you think of yourself’, ‘how do you see yourself’, ‘how open you think you are’, ‘how wide and high your defence walls are’ and so on.
And I wouldn’t let you stay with your routine answers that you kept giving yourself and others, as obviously those kept you where you are, not reaching your dreams.

So yes, bringing one’s dreams into reality requires work, commitment, patience, and self-knowledge among some other factors.

It’s up to you to have or not to have dreams but when you do, I believe it is best to try to make them reality even if you don’t succeed, than never even try to achieve them.

Regret, the ‘what would have been if’ is one of the worst, least interpretable feelings one can have.
Reduce your possible reasons for it.

Winning, losing or just loving

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In any kind of a relationship, intimate, family, business – in any – there are times when waters get more stormy than usual.
It is natural. It is human nature. It is hormones. It is stress. It is worry. It is triggers. It is outside circumstances. It is misunderstanding. It is whatever.

It does happen that people have different opinions, emotional/financial interests, moods, or anything that is not a match, not in alignment at a given moment.
The involved parties share their point of view through which it becomes obvious that they are at opposing ends of a stick.
Now what?

There are numerous options.

They might agree to disagree, and they move on with their day.

They might start a conversation, both explaining their stand and are trying to convince the other of their view being the right one.
That also can lead to different outcomes, like one realizing that the other is right and so changes her/his opinion, or that both alter somewhat of their original and meet somewhere in a middle in agreement, or after the discussion they agree on disagreeing.

They might ask a third party to be a moderator in the situation and help them to understand each other.

These all are viable, good solutions.

When one, after stating their standpoint is not ready/willing/able to discuss, that is a more difficult scenario for to reach an understanding, agreement, a mutually agreeable direction to move on, becomes very hard, if not impossible.
In such case, some form of an impartial outside help is the best way to move forward with.

As situations are different, as people are different, as attitudes are different, as styles are different, all the above can be conducted in different manners.
It all can be a quiet chat, a discussion, a heated argument, a loud exchange of opinions, it all can be on different noise levels, it can happen with different amount of gesticulation.

At the end it can come to a closure with an OK from the parties, with a handshake, a smile, a cuddle, …

But that’s it!

No verbal violence, no fight, no war on any level, will move you forward in a productive, helpful, healthy way.
None of such is a way towards solution for kind, caring, intelligent people.

These will hurt both parties, will cause a painful aftermath, will make moving forward way more difficult, will make reconciliation a much longer, if possible at all, process.
Whatever disagreement one may have on any level in any kind of a relationship, aggression, deliberate hurting, war, is no option, no solution.

We all are people, we all have better and not so good days, we all can be caught up in our own crap and that is normal.
At the same time, we all are capable of kind, generous, understanding and allowing ways of communication and we all can keep improving ourselves in that (too).

Here I cheer all of us on finding, learning the peaceful, human, constructive ways of solutions for all the small, medium, large, gigantic sized of issues we might encounter in our lives.

We all want love, we all deserve love, we all wish to live in peace, harmony, and love, so let’s let love rule.
Decide what you want for yourself in life and remember, no amount of fight will ever bring love.

Easy as a restaurant review

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Whatever we are talking about, depending on where we are looking, who we are asking, we can find polar opposite views, opinions, experiences about it.

Simple example is a restaurant review.
There is a nasty, negative rating and on the very same day another happy, positive one.
How will you know which one is to believe to?
How will you decide whether to go or not to that restaurant?

It will entirely depend on you.
On your mood in that moment, on your general attitude, on your previous experiences, on your wants and needs.
How?
Like that if you are in the blues, not even sure if you want to go out to eat at all, if you had at some other time at some other restaurant some bad experience already, if you are not that hungry and anyways you have other options like ordering food or finding something in your kitchen, you very likely will believe the negative view and will not go.
On the other hand when you are happy, willing to go out, had no particularly bad restaurant experience before, hungry, having no other options to choose from, you will trust the positive rating and will go.

Relying on the ratings from complete strangers, without any knowledge of their possible agendas, of what was the reality of their ratings, of what might had influenced them to write whatever they did, you made your mind up, believed one of them, made your decision.

Whatever you decided, whatever happens next, you have no right to blame the reviewer, you can’t make them responsible.

The fact though is, when you never go to that restaurant ever, you will not have a personal experience and so neither the right to claim a well-established opinion really.
Contrary to that, when you go, you will gain experience first-hand, and so you can form your own, grounded views.

… and this shit applies to anything and everything in life!

When you have an opinion about anything that you had no personal experience with and you are stating whatever you believe for God only knows why to be the truth and are eagerly spreading that out and wide, you are losing your credibility.
And so does everyone else doing that towards you!

Having an opinion is a human right. Believing whatever, to whomever is a personal choice.

To be authentic and stay trustworthy I find it a good idea that when stating something without personal experience, without thorough knowledge, is best to start by saying something like ‘although I have no personal experience, my opinion based on … is … ‘

When someone is not into an open discussion with you by talking, asking, listening, showing curiosity towards your views but throws ‘facts’, views, opinions at you about anything in life, especially concerning your looks, relationships, sex life, likes and dislikes, preferences (particularly when you didn’t even ask for it), you have all the right to not listen to that person.
Use your legitimate self-defence and ignore, use the ‘Ctrl+Alt+Del’ combo on them.

You are the only one with a full knowledge on your whys and why nots, you have to be the title character of your own life, you are no less (not more either) then anyone else, regardless of your life choices.

Therefore, whenever you decide, choose, do or don’t anything, make sure it is your decision, your wholehearted yes or no!
And thus you can take full responsibility for it too.

A small insight on regrets

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In the past couple of days (again) my mind and heart were all about my mum, who passed nearly 3 years ago.
She was an incredible woman.
Intelligent, wise, beautiful, smartly funny, with an amazing sense of reading people’s character.
Seemed very much like someone who lived life on her own terms.
Still, she might have had some regrets. Won’t ever know, it is only me thinking, knowing some stories, family ins and outs … wouldn’t be a shocker if she did.
What I can know for fact is that she had a lot of adventure in her life, and she was like nobody else I ever knew.

And that got me to thinking about regrets.
What made me realize, how often in my coaching I meet with clients who have regrets, who carry regrets within them for a long time.
Then I remembered what I heard quite some time ago already, that doctors, nurses, care givers, family members have witnessed on countless occasions that those with fatal illnesses getting close to the end of their lives were open to share that they did have regrets.

Some of those most commonly heard ones are:
– wish they were brave enough to live their life as they would have wanted it, and not as others expected them to live it
– wish they hadn’t invested all that time into work, hadn’t worked so much
– wish they knew how to, had the courage to show their feelings
– wish they had taken better care of their friendships
– wish they had allowed, made themselves to be happier.

This is incredibly sad!
And I find it sad on more than one level.

Of course, it is most sad for those who got to the end of their lives, and only realized all this when they had no chance to change anything anymore.

Then I am sad for all those who live their life without realizing that they are going to have those regrets when their time comes.
Then for those who feel something is off in their lives, though yet they didn’t figure out what is that exactly.
Then for those who know, it would serve them best to change, but they dare not to, for whatever reason they accept for keeping themselves stuck.
Then for those who tried to change but let themselves influenced by others, and let themselves fall back into the unwanted patterns.

In today’s world there is a lot of help (coach, therapist, psychologist, … ) available for those who are serious about getting back to themselves, wanting to live from their authentic self and fully enjoy a happy life.

In case you recognise yourself as one building towards some regrets (or having some already), I wish you the courage to realise, your life is yours to live.
Your story is yours to write.
You have all the right in the world to be, live and do as you choose to.

Help is available when you feel that would support you to re-center.
Trust me, you don’t have to, you don’t need to do it alone.

My wish for you is not to grow regrets in your life; to turn around from the path that may lead you to have some; to make sure you won’t have more than you might already have.

As for my mum, I hope she didn’t have many regrets, that she really did enjoy a cool life and that wherever she may be now, she is regret free.
I miss you!

Letting your mind wander

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Last week I spent by the sea.
Needed some change of scenery, some time to see things from a different angle, some time to re/evaluate matters and situations, time to just be.
Sitting on the shore, staring at the water is all it takes for me to get lost in thoughts.
Surely, I am not alone with this.
Of course, it can happen anywhere really, just a personal preference, so for some it might be being in a forest, at the mountains, in their own garden or soaking in a lovely, warm bath in their bathroom. Whatever does the trick.
The common ground is that we all need these times, we all need to be alone sometimes to completely and fully get lost in the web of the hidden parts of our own mind and soul.

Sometimes we spin off of questions that bug us at that moment, other times the starting points are subjects that have been with us for a while and again at other times we contemplate on something we heard or read somewhere.
Whatever the port of call might have been, often we end up surprising ourselves with our freely wandering mind.
So for the next such time I am bringing you 18 questions to choose from, to try.

Who knows what you might discover through them!?!?

They were written by Jordan Lejuwaan ( https://highexistence.com/writer/jordan/ ), and as a user’s guide, he says:
‘Asking yourself thought provoking questions is a form of meditation.
As you read the following list, don’t try to force the answer.
The whole point of the thought-provoking question is that it provokes thought, all by itself.
After you read each question, allow your mind to conjure up an answer spontaneously.
Perhaps you can take a few mindful breaths right now to bring your attention into the present moment.’

  1. If you could make a 30 second speech to the entire world, what would you say?
  2. If you were going to die at midnight, what would you be doing at 11:45pm?
  3. How do you really KNOW anything for sure?
  4. If you had all the money in the world but still had to have some kind of a job, what would you choose to do?
  5. When you’re 90 years old, what will matter most to you?
  6. What do you regret most so far in life?
  7. How can you apply the lesson you learned from that regret to your life TODAY?
  8. What would you change if you were told with 100% certainty that God does not exist? Or if you don’t believe in God, that he does exist?
  9. If you lost everything tomorrow, whose arms would you want to run into? Does that person know how much they mean to you?
  10. Do you fear death? If so, do you have a good reason?
  11. What would you change if you knew you were NEVER going to die?
  12. If you were at heaven’s gates, and God asked you “why should I let you in?”, what would you say?
  13. When will you be good enough for you? Is there some breaking point where you will accept everything about yourself?
  14. Is the Country you live in really the best fit for you?
  15. What would people say about you at your funeral?
  16. What small thing could you do to make someone’s day better?
  17. (If you believe in God) would your relationship with God change at all if you were told with 100% certainty that he was actually a she?
  18. What do you believe stands between you and complete happiness?

Go for it with all you’ve got … BUT!

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Do you have any dreams, goals, resolutions you want to have, reach, do?
Being the beginning of a new year, it feels timely to write about this now, as many often wait for a new year to start to set goals, make resolutions and/or to outline a way towards their dreams.

As always, yes, I know, we all are different and behave differently, do things differently, understand things differently.
This is about a general, can happen to anyone kind of feeling, regardless how you categorize (dream, goal, resolution, whatever) the bases of it for yourself.
Like for example I, for one, don’t like/use the word ‘goals’ as somehow I immediately associate it to sports and as such it already carries 50% of a chance of failing/not making it for me.
Dreams on the other hand I did and do have.

So, regardless of how you call it, in which category you put it, I guess you have one/some/more things you want to reach/build/have for yourself in this life.
Also I am sure, you did come across some of these motivational sayings: ‘don’t give up’, ‘never give up’, ‘follow your dreams’, ‘you are nearly there’, ‘the break through is just around the corner’, ‘it is always the darkest right before dawn’ and alike.

Along these lines we can hear too that don’t have a plan B as that would take the wind out from plan A because when you do, you’ll know there is always that plan B you can fall back onto and that would make you comfortable.

My question is, have you ever felt trapped by a dream, goal, resolution you had/have?
I have.
And I can tell you, it felt shit, frightening, hopeless and was taking a lot out of me to survive it, to move forward from there.

Once that dream of mine was born, I put in all I could think of would help me make it come true.
Just like you do when you really want to get somewhere, achieve something.
Studied, worked my ass off, found many different options and took countless opportunities that sounded inline with my reaching that dream. Also, it required tons of work on myself, had to go in deep, dig out crap, sort out my inner game such as limiting beliefs, screwed up patterns and basically getting out of my own way.
Not to forget, I spent a shitload of money for all before mentioned.

All the while I kept chanting to myself those affirmations, motivational quotes and was keeping at it … so much so that I got myself financially broke, mentally exhausted, emotionally wrecked.

What happened? How did it happen? Why did it happen?
Not for one minute had I a plan B.
Not for one minute did I a reality check.

All I had was a dream that I felt completely aligned with, that seemed the most natural, the best and the only way to go.
In spite my feelings, I got to the point where I was forced to change course.
It was a huge fight within myself as every cell of mine was against it, plus every time when I forced myself to decide for taking that step, I immediately run into, seen, heard something that I translated as a sign to not to do so.
It was a huge, painful, soul eating mess.

Finally I had to let go of that tight grip, go on another way, dig myself out of that dark place and realize (in retrospective, some years later) that it was the best way how it all could work out for the best.

Now for doing some good to some, I must say, I strongly suggest that at the beginning of your dream chasing, goal reaching, holding to a resolution: do prepare a plan B, write it down and put it somewhere safe and only thereafter go and concentrate on turning your dreams into reality.
In case in the process you find yourself over your reasonable timeline or money options, or at the edge of your sanity, or you feel your emotional wellbeing at risk, get your plan B out and go with that, for the time being at least!

True, it is always better to try and don’t reach than never try.
Also true that there are second (even third, fourth …) chances in life.

My conclusion is that it is best to have a plan B and change to it in case of need than ending up in an excessive, exhausting chaos, that brings you in to a dire, suffocating nightmare.

Be good to yourself!
Don’t get ruined in chasing the perfect dream, don’t get eaten alive in fighting to score goals but realise in time that reality, life as it is, is always better, even if it is not always perfect.

End and beginning, old and new

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Coming close to the end of a not so easy year.
Whatever you believe, to whomever you believe, how many (un)answered questions you might have, whatever you decided on, however many conversations you heard, took part in, however much you feared or cried, how much you (didn’t) care, however you went through this past year, I guess you are tired.

Now that the holiday season is here, I think it is important that you remind yourself: you need to take care of yourself first!
You know, even in the airplane safety demo they say put on your own oxygen mask first, or that you can’t give from an empty pantry, or … you get the picture.

So, if Christmas (or whatever holiday for this matter) is your thing, then go for it, go crazy about it, enjoy it.
If not, then don’t force yourself to indulge in it.
If cooking, baking, enjoying feasts is your thing, dive in.
If not, then go for that toast and butter you love.
If family and friends are who you want to spend time with, do it.
If you rather keep to yourself, do that.

Nothing about any holiday is a compulsory act!
Do as you wish or at least do as it suit you best in your given circumstances.

Also, when you will be meeting and spending time with family members, acquaintances, people in general with whom you are not spending much time together throughout the year, be sure to carefully navigate the stormy waters of communication.
The chances of misunderstandings can easily skyrocket.
For the sake of a peaceful, fun time, it worth to ignore certain subjects.
Or at least do not jump into conclusions and don’t start fights.
Ask, answer clearly, explain if needed.
Nobody’s opinion is holy. Just an opinion. And as such, some might see it as right and some might perceive it as wrong.

Let’s get ready to close a turbulent year that had some pretty heavy energies, pain, some crazy stories.

Let’s promise to ourselves, and keep to it, that we will do better next year.
That we will listen more.
We will try understanding more.
We will be open more.
That we will include more.
Forgive more.
Care more.
That we will show more compassion.
Will open our hearts more.
That we will love more – ourselves and others.

That we will let everyone be.

Merry Everything and a Healthy and Happy Always to You!

Why are we still stuck at it?

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‘Divide and rule’ – this saying is attributed to Philip II of Macedon, who lived 382-336 BC.
Wikipedia explains it as: ‘The use of this technique is meant to empower the sovereign to control subjects, populations, or factions of different interests, who collectively might be able to oppose its rule.’

He, Philip II, for sure, was onto something as this strategy has been used ever since through those more than 2300 years and is widely used nowadays too.

Just a few from the endless list of ideas that are feeding off of this concept:
religionism
conquerism
racism
fascism
sexism
ageism
… and the newest on the list is vaxism.

How sad it is that people do not realise that none of the above is naturally human but all a creation of interest.

How sad it is that people still don’t realise that all, of such strategies are never in their best interest but in those in power.
Those in power who want at least to remain in power but mostly want more power, more money.
Those in power who don’t really care for the crowd.
Those in power who use any and all tools at their disposal to keep driving wedges in between groups of people.
All because they are very well aware of that if once people would wake up/realise their own power that lays in unity, they would not put up with the crap any longer coming from above.
Meaning, they would be thrown out of their power-positions.

Whenever one doesn’t like, doesn’t agree with something, instead of trying to look around, get to collect information from every possible angle, keep being open to discussions, to other kind of life experiences, the vast majority just takes what is fed to them, sees one side of a story or simply settles for the good old excuse, that this is how society says or is.

Come on!
Society means nothing more than a bunch of people.

Regardless, what smaller, larger society you are part of, the most of those forming that society are strangers to you.
And as a matter of fact, none of them have more right about anything than you have!

So, when there is something that you classify as wrong, as injustice and you want to do something to make it right, then all you have to do, is open your mind, your heart and mouth and start speaking your truth.

And all the while keep open to others and their truth.
Be respectful to gain respect.
Ask questions to get answers.
Answer questions you may get.
Never forget that to agree to disagree is a powerful option too!

The sooner people start acting more, along these lines, sooner will come a wider spread understanding and agreement and the sooner those abusing power can be shut up, off and out.

And it starts at a level of two people (family, friends, partners, colleagues, neighbours, …) having a discussion about anything.

Start living by ‘’live and let live!
A concept/phrase that originates back to 1622 and we can thank the Dutch for it.

It is time to realise the power of open, honest communication, of respect, of that different doesn’t make anyone automatically wrong, of that we all by default are different, we are all unique and we all have the same right to live a full and happy life on this Earth.

It’s been too long we played their game.
Let’s claim ours!
Let’s be better, let’s lead with love!

Shall we?!?!

Becoming fully yourself

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Women.
Men.
Roles.
Habits.
You can.
You can’t.
You are allowed to.
You are not allowed to.
You do it and you are praised for it.
You do it and you are told it’s not for you.
You should.
You shouldn’t.
Although you are already doing it some tells you, you are not able to do it.

Like having long hair and liking when someone plays with it; crying; showing emotions; getting flowers; sitting down on the toilet; dancing; working as an auto mechanic; wearing colours; skincare; using purses; brewing beer; using make up; sewing; knitting; enjoying sweet drinks; hugging; enjoying and being good at DIY; being the little spoon; crocheting; boxing; being asked out; manicure, pedicure; being complimented; initiating sex; using hand cream; having a long, pampering bath; using candles; receiving chocolate; staying at home with your child for whatever reason; smoking a cigar; … the list is endless.

When you find yourself being hung up on any of these ideas being exclusively for women or exclusively for men, then I suggest you seriously have some time with yourself and check in what makes you believe what you believe.
Likely you never even thought this through for yourself, just took what your surrounding was telling, projecting, showing, pressuring.
So, it is high time you do the thinking and deciding for yourself.

In case you are someone who’s been affected by any of the statements I listed at the beginning of this post or any other along those lines, and by them found yourself discouraged, talked down on, belittled, hurt, confused, you must learn to ignore any of such statement.
Regardless, who says them.

You are allowed to be you. You are encouraged to live the full version of yourself. Your life is yours to construct.
When it is about you, others only can say their opinions which you already can choose not to listen to, but have no right to deny, forbid or restrict you in your own choices. Unless you consent to it.

There are more and more people in the world who realise that life has as many shapes and form as many of us are walking on Earth.
No two identical version of a human being exists or ever existed.
Find your crowd, find your crazy, choose supporting environments.

Get clear on who and how you want to be, allow yourself to become fully you, claim yourself, claim how you want to feel, create yourself as you want to be.

Learn the art of to live and let live!
Enjoy life