Sex – Kink – Fetish

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There are many medical, scientific, politically correct, analytical and such info and documents available on the subject for those who are interested.
My aim here is to shed some light on these from a more lifelike aspect.

Why?
Because often when one wants to talk about these subjects, let alone interested in, or what’s more, is into any kink or fetishes, gets told off that these are evil, bad, nasty, sick or whatever label gets attached to, activities.
Most importantly, these labels are coming from no more than prejudice, pure stupidity, fear of the unknown, ignorance, jealousy, malice and any possible combination of these.

Now that this is clear …

There are some who are not interested in sex at all, and that is perfectly okay.

For others, sex is an activity that is part of their adult life.
Also, it may mean many different things to us, as the word sex is a collective concept.
It basically fits anything that gives a person sexual pleasure.
Starting there, that who needs it how often. Some are okay with sometimes and some can’t function properly if not having it daily. And of course, anything in between.
Kissing, touching, fingering, foreplay, oral pampering, vaginal and anal intercourse are some major fields within sex.
Some engages in and are interested in some or all of these and have no interest to explore further.

And then there are those who are kinky and those who have fetishes.

Here let’s clarify this first: all fetishes are kinks but not all kinks are fetishes.

Why?
Simply put, because a kink is a broad term that includes basically everything that is beyond the missionary sex.
Includes alternative sexual interests, preferences, fetishes, fantasies, roleplays, BDSM and so on.

A fetish on the other hand, is a sexual fixation on an object or act, without which the person can’t have sexual satisfaction, and these can be things or acts that originally are not even sexual. Like shoes, leather or silk, spanking or touching, kissing the partner’s leg …

So, what might be my kink, could be your fetish.

As I always say, in regards of everything really, you must learn, discover yourself first. Alone or with a partner.
You must understand yourself first, what is that you like, want, need, what gives you satisfaction.
Then, you can explore your partner.

Of course, again, as everything, it requires communication.

And because we do change, our interests may shift so the communication must be ongoing.

And finally, regardless of who wants to pull you down how, who wants to disqualify your feelings and needs, you must know, you have the right to be who you are, feel how you feel, need what you need, gain pleasure as you like.

As long, as it is between adults of legal age, not against the partner’s will, as long, as you are not putting anyone in danger.

Basically, in sex anything goes as long, as you keep it safe, sane and consensual.

Enjoy it!

Flow of emotions

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We need to understand the world around us, let it be work, business or private life.
When we don’t, we get frustrated, irritated, puzzled and try to gain understanding as soon as possible.
In best case we ask. Ask for clarification, a different explanation, something we can relate to more.
When not asking then we do the work ourselves. We might do some kind of research by reading up on it or we try to find some answers/sense in ourselves.

Modern art though is something different.
We might, but we don’t need to understand the artist.
In my experience we are allowed and actually encouraged to take our own understanding of it.
A painting, a sculpture, a piece of music or a ballet.

Last week I had the chance to attend a modern ballet performance in a prestigious European Opera house.
Honestly, I had (now I do, read about it afterwards) no idea what the choreographer wanted to say.
All I knew is that an array of emotions was running through me while watching the show, and since!

The thirty some dancers on stage were simply amazing.
At certain scenes I was close to be fully convinced they are not even humans but aliens, as the moves were extraordinary.
Unimaginable for a ‘normal’ human to think it be possible to do.

Through the whole evening emotions were coming. One after the other, the next conflicting the previous one and I didn’t mind it, I didn’t want to stop them coming, nor was I fighting any of it.

And the best part, I believe, is exactly this.
One is allowed to have any and all emotions, one can have their own ‘interpretation’ of the art piece and is nobody’s business.
You can choose to share it, but there is no obligation for it what so ever and need not to ‘defend’ your understanding in case of any different perception from anyone.

When it comes to modern art, what counts is your experience.
Whether it is inspiring, fun, eye opening, even triggering in some ways, it is all enriching you and you must fit no rules, no expectations to take it in in your own ways.

Just as it is with life, with relationships.
Your emotions are yours to feel, they are valid and you owe explanation to no one why you feel and how you feel what you feel.
Your experience, your show, your art, your life.

Illusion – a tool or pure lie

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This I just saw on a social media platform:
‘What makes desirable to be desirable?
From that the woman without sparing money, time and effort, and often even enduring pain, tries to present her advantages in the most tempting way possible and to minimize her disadvantages.
Every single woman has disadvantages, but the man doesn’t have to know about it. Women know how to divert their attention from disadvantages.
Because men are never interested in the truth, it is not what makes them fever, but the illusion of what they see.
However, it is up to the woman, what kind of sight unfolds before them. The smart woman creates the illusion.’

NOOO, this is so fucking wrong on so many levels!

First of all, desirable is not like mathematics where 2+2 always equals 4.
What one considers desirable is a personal preference, meaning that is unique to each and every one of us.

Then why does it talk only about women?
Big mistake to believe men don’t want to be desirable! They do.

Of course, we all want to show our best on a first date or on a special occasion but to build, have and keep a relationship, honesty is a must.
And honesty means that we, women and men alike, admit to our disadvantages too.

Not to mention the fact that it is impossible to upkeep an ‘illusion’ – that I rather call a lie – without fail, all the time, 24/7.
Also, where would the person be in this act of illusion? I mean the authentic, real, raw truth of the person.
I tell you: nowhere! Would be hidden, or worse, not even discovered, acknowledged. It would be a kind of a freak show only.

Plus, it is insulting towards men.
‘Never interested in the truth’?!? How can anyone generalize men like that?
I mean sure, when one is after only a one-night stand, some sexual satisfaction then yes, I buy it, we don’t need the full truth, only the best of each other that makes that night a celebratory fireworks.
But then again, in such a case it would apply both to women AND men!

Worth a note too, men are not dumb, stupid, brainless dicks.
Feel sorry for you if this is the only kind you ever (in family, school, work, relationships, …) experienced.
Men have brain, and they use it too and so, after the initial hunger, they would see through such an ‘illusion’.
When they were after just sex, they likely wouldn’t mind but if they were to look for a relationship then it is also likely that they would get out and look elsewhere.
Obviously, here I am talking about mature men, not hungry boys.

As a final clarification, here is the official definition of the word, illusion:
– an instance of a wrong or misinterpreted perception of a sensory experience
– a deceptive appearance or impression
– a false idea or belief

So please, don’t fall for such shallow ‘wisdom of life’!
It is untrue, simplifying and is hurtful.
Use your brain, rely on your wisdom and be yourself! Fully!

Clearing the fog around Help

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When we are babies we accept help from parents, grandparents, siblings.
Of course, no baby would survive without being fed, sheltered, protected.
Also no one would learn any life skills if adults wouldn’t show, teach, tell them.
It is all natural.

When we grow a bit but are still kids, we go through a stage when we don’t want to take any help, we want to show we can do that thing or another all by ourselves.
We are proud to show off that we can tie our shoelace, or that we can draw, or dress ourselves up.

That stage usually goes parallel with still accepting, even asking for help in other things, that we didn’t learn yet or we are uncertain with them.

Then we get to school and there for sure starts a negative spin … ‘don’t ask for help, you can do it by yourself’, ‘do it alone’, ‘this is not a team project’, ‘don’t help, s/he needs to learn it’.
All with the ‘good’ intention to become your own person, don’t rely on help, don’t bother others.

Once in a work environment, it continues by getting ridiculed (how can you have this job if you don’t know this), not getting a promotion (you are not independent enough), get rejected (it’s not my job to help you) for asking for help.

Unfortunately, in many people all these conditioning get to the point that they grow afraid to ask for help, they get ashamed when they feel they could do with some help.
It will affect one’s all life areas, as the brain won’t separate that asking for help in work is a no go but asking for help in a relationship situation is okay.
And so, another rabbit hole is created, in which one can get lost, can go down so deep that ruins her/his life for years, decades, a lifetime.

To have a healthy, balanced, happy life, we must start by unlearning all the conditioning we were put through in our growing up and young adulthood.

Asking for help, when in need for whatever reason, is okay, is allowed, is the best what one can do.

To meaningfully help someone when they need it, is an amazing feeling.

Help is not something to be forced onto someone or do regardless, as help only really works when is asked for, and is delivered with an honest, no agenda attitude.

Don’t believe otherwise, help is available, help is around you.
Work up the courage and ask for it!
Give yourself the chance to breeze, to let the stress go, to get an outside vantage point from where you see your situation clearly and can find a solution and so move forward to a better, happier, more balanced self and life.

Opinion – clearing some myth

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Mostly everyone is generous in giving, sharing, offering opinions, even pushing theirs onto others, regardless whether asked for it or not.
Often some does it out of a fully convinced self-importance.

An opinion, by definition, is a judgement, a viewpoint, or a statement that is not conclusive.
It is a view or judgement formed about something, not necessarily based on fact or knowledge.

And that is what you always need to keep in mind when getting one on anything, that an opinion is not the universal, unquestionable truth.
Which means, there is no reason for you to get upset when you hear one that you can’t identify with, that you don’t feel to be right for you.

You do have the right and are allowed to have your own opinion, to have different opinion to those shared by the other person, opposing opinion, or even have no opinion at all.
You do have the right and are allowed to accept an opinion, to act on an opinion or to disagree with it, even ignore it completely.
The palette is 360° and it is up to you what you do, how you deal with an opinion.

What you can’t do for the sake of yourself, your self-esteem, your self-confidence, is to let anyone ‘rule’ you with their opinions.
Why?
Because when you let that happen, then basically you allow someone else to ‘lead’ your life.
And that is far from healthy, far from constructive, far from happy and is not sustainable.

Also, for all the above mentioned reasons, when you share your opinion on anything with anyone, just make sure you word it with positive, helping intention, when you say it you are not expecting it to be taken, as well as you are ready to accept a possible counter-opinion.

When the exchange of opinions happens this way than you are on the right path to meaningful conversations.

In my opinion! 🙂

The green-eyed monster

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Psychologists are saying that it is a natural and perceived to be negative feeling.
They established categories:  normal and abnormal.
Within these two categories six types are identified: rational, family, pathological, sexual, romantic, power.
They say it is normal to feel it in a close relationship.

Jealousy.

What makes it normal?
Is it that many people are? Is it that it is subject of many chats, gossips? Is it that many people already experienced it on a way or another?

In my opinion it is not normal.

It is a feeling without any constructive outcome.
It does not help, it does not make things move forward on a positive way.
It does not make connections deeper nor more committed.

What it does though is that it hurts the person feeling it.
Also, when it gets impossible to hide it, and criticizing, fault finding, blaming, overprotectiveness, suspiciousness, quick temper, verbal or even physical abuse happens in the name of it, then the person on the receiving end suffers too.

In my opinion jealousy is a result of self-worth issues, uncertainty, instability, lack of self-love, lack of trust, lack of self-knowledge, of self-acceptance.

As none of that is serving the best possible life of anyone, none of that should be taken as ‘okay’, as ‘this is how it is’, especially that all can be turned around.

One can learn to know her/his self-worth, can become certain and stable, can start working on and getting to self-love, can learn to trust, can get to knowing and accepting self.

Jealousy is not a ‘sentence for life’ when one is ready to do the work.
When one wants a loving, caring, balanced relationship then the best s/he can do is start the work immediately.

Especially that no one to be expected to suffer its damaging effects endlessly, so no surprise when one decides to walk away from a jealous person.

Not knowing – mistake – sin

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One often falls into the trap of assuming.
We assume we understand the same by an expression.
We assume we have the same ideas, limits, borders, ethical standards.

Stop hurting yourself, your partner, your relationships.
Stop assuming!
Hardly anyone is a mind reader so don’t expect your partner to know what you think.
It can get you into misunderstandings, arguments, fights, heartaches and let’s be honest here, most could be avoided only if you were into the habit of talking, asking, discussing, communicating instead of assuming.

Like with sins.
What are those things that are ‘no go-s’ for you?
When does a repeated mistake turns into sin?
What do you consider as a sin?
How far are you willing to push out your borders?

Yes, we are there again that first and foremost you must know yourself in order to be able to share these with your (would be) partner.

Are you okay with someone being late? How late? How often? Under what circumstances?
What do you do about it? Accept it? Fight over it? Break up because of it?
My mum’s solution was, once she realized he was always, without fail, 15 minutes late, that she told him to meet or be wherever they needed to be at 15 minutes earlier than she wanted him there, so like that she basically made him to be punctual … and it worked.
For her that wasn’t a reason to fight. She realized that it was something strangely messed up in his ‘system’ and she found a solution that worked for the both of them.
It never was an issue ever again.

Of course, this is a smaller example.
There are more serious ones to be considered.

Like lies.
Can you live with lies?
Are you okay with white lies?
Do you have the same understanding what white lies are?
Are secrets considered as lies?

How about cheating?
Is looking/smiling at another wo/man is already cheating?
Is having a steamy conversation counts as it?
Or is it all acceptable until it gets physical?
Or unless there are feelings involved, you can look passed it?

Where are your borders?
What are those lines within which it all needs to be kept at?

No, it is not obvious.
No, it is not self-explanatory.
No, it is not the same for everyone.
People do have different understandings, limits, frames within which feel safe and comfortable.

Two (or however many) people work well together when both (all) realize that there is no way to be discussing every possible scenario before a relationship forms.
When both are willing to share their yeses and no-s ongoingly.
When both give leeway to possible errors.
When both are willing and ready to listen, and course correct.
When both have their borders and are respecting the other’s.

So once again it boils down to self-knowledge and ongoing honest communication as every and all aspects of a relationship needs to be talked about, discussed, agreed on if you want a well working, balanced, happy union.

Ins and outs of a breakup

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In my video on YouTube last week, I was talking about breakups, about the actual way of how to do it ‘well’.
That is one (crucial) part of the whole process.
Obviously, there is, as with everything, more to it.

Like there are people who always break up just before the relationship would get to the next level, to get to a serious, long term commitment.
In general, those people prefer easy, loose, light connections, are not ready to or are, for whatever reason, afraid to commit.

Of course, nothing is wrong with any kind of a preference.
Only is most beneficial to clarify the intensions quite early in the process of getting to know one another.

If it is being afraid of commitment and is realised by the person her/himself, then it can be worked on, then professional help (coach, psychologist) can be the guide through a faster healing process.

When two people get together who both prefer a light, fun, easy connection then all is perfect, green light for keep going.

But when one is after a more serious, a more committed, more ‘let’s build a life together’ kind and the other is not, then is best to not even pursue any further that road together.
Don’t get into a relationship thinking ‘oh, doesn’t matter what s/he thinks, I will change that’.
NO.
You won’t.
Or sometimes you will, on the surface but the person will be suffering beneath it.

Any and all lasting change start from within. Not by an outside force.

Meaning that if one gets to a realization that they want to change, they will initiate it.
When it is an outside force then the options are of strong resistance or a not heartfelt ‘I’ll  give it a try’ that won’t lead anywhere, or of eventually giving in but that will not last (maybe only till the break up).

Another crazy tendency I want to mention is after the break up saying all the ugly things about the ex.
Yes, I know, sometimes really nasty things happen but still!
Think about it, it was you who spent x amount of time with that person, it was you who decided to get into a relationship with that person, it was you who was in a relationship with that person.

Sure, with time you might have realized the person was not 100% legit, not completely who they said they were or the opposite, you didn’t believe they are as they said they were.
Still, you should not make the mistake of throwing mud at your ex … it does get you muddy too!

After a breakup you want to vent to your best friend. Fine. Do it.
What ever you need to do (get drunk, cry, indulge in food, say things out loud, … ), do it but do it in private!
Never get yourself into the unpleasant situation that people get to ask you ‘if the person is really so, then why at all were you in a relationship with her/him?’

True, we do get disappointed, we might misread someone, we might find out certain characteristics sometimes at a later stage in a relationship, this all can happen.
One major difference is how do we handle it.
Hating won’t help you, but learning from it will benefit you greatly.

So about a breakup is not only the actual breaking up that we can do better but also the recognizing early of what might lead to it so we can deal with the thing on hand way better.
Plus we can clean up our act on how do we deal with the aftermath of it.

It is kind of unavoidable for breakups to come about, but it is up to us whether we keep marching on pointing only at others for what happened to us, or we are taking it as a learning opportunity and try our best to be and do better from then on for our own sake.

An often hidden ‘ghost’

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Have you ever heard the expression ‘trauma response’?
It is mostly used for the emotional response to some terrible events, like an accident, rape or natural disaster.

On a seemingly lighter level, agreeing to things just to keep the peace, is actually also a trauma response that becomes part of life of a relationship dependent person.

It originates mostly from childhood, when for the parents, family members to not to have a go at the kid for whatever reason, s/he learns that the easiest way out is to agree – even though s/he doesn’t feel it, think it so – to whatever the adult is saying, so peace can be had.

On top of that when a person is relationship dependent, is often times a response to experiencing the mostly non-recognised trauma of repeatedly being told, and so conditioned to, that ‘you are nothing’, ‘you never going to make it by yourself’, ‘you never will be able to make a life for yourself’, ‘you can’t stand on your own feet’, ‘you are unviable’ and so on.

As a result, this person can only imagine their adult life within a relationship, where they are under the impression that with the other person by their side now they are someone, now they are able to have a life, to survive, be secure, to live.
And so to upkeep the relationship they agree to everything their partner wants, in the hope that it will make it last.

Usually, this person has no personal boundaries or if they do then continuously disrespect those for the sake of ‘peace’.

Being relationship dependent by all means blocks the way to become and live as a self-confident, independent, secure, stable person, prevents or at least interferes with the person’s growth, of achieving their highest potential, of living their own life on their own terms.

Being relationship dependent is only a way of existing and not a way of living.

When one realises this trap and builds the courage to decide to get out of such scenario, for most, coaching can switch on the light at the end of the tunnel and be the necessary help to be able to take that journey to a brighter, more healthy way of life.

When you recognise yourself in the above written, I wish you all the strength to rise up, get some help and rewrite the rest of your life story on a personally more satisfying, free, (self)loving way.

Next Step for me

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It was nearly 6 years ago when I started a Facebook page with the intension of sharing some of my thoughts to help to heal, chill, learn, move forward or just simply ‘saying out loud’ some thoughts that one couldn’t or wouldn’t do for her/himself.
Then a little over a year ago, as I had the privilege to work with more and more people through what I grew steadily and continuously both as a coach and as a person, I started this website to do the same in an ‘even more me’ environment and was shifting the emphasis to here.

As of today, I am ready for the next step.

Introducing my YouTube channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCxqlZbNISn405gY9nWY5vRg

The planned structure is that every week there will be a video or a blog post, alternately.
Every second week you will have something new to read here and on the week in between a new video will be aired on YouTube.

Hopefully, you will continue to find some positive encouragement in my content and when you get to the point, you will contact me to work together.

Thank you for your ongoing support, positive feedback and encouragement!

As always, I believe it to be true for all of us: the best is yet to come.