Why are we still stuck at it?

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‘Divide and rule’ – this saying is attributed to Philip II of Macedon, who lived 382-336 BC.
Wikipedia explains it as: ‘The use of this technique is meant to empower the sovereign to control subjects, populations, or factions of different interests, who collectively might be able to oppose its rule.’

He, Philip II, for sure, was onto something as this strategy has been used ever since through those more than 2300 years and is widely used nowadays too.

Just a few from the endless list of ideas that are feeding off of this concept:
religionism
conquerism
racism
fascism
sexism
ageism
… and the newest on the list is vaxism.

How sad it is that people do not realise that none of the above is naturally human but all a creation of interest.

How sad it is that people still don’t realise that all, of such strategies are never in their best interest but in those in power.
Those in power who want at least to remain in power but mostly want more power, more money.
Those in power who don’t really care for the crowd.
Those in power who use any and all tools at their disposal to keep driving wedges in between groups of people.
All because they are very well aware of that if once people would wake up/realise their own power that lays in unity, they would not put up with the crap any longer coming from above.
Meaning, they would be thrown out of their power-positions.

Whenever one doesn’t like, doesn’t agree with something, instead of trying to look around, get to collect information from every possible angle, keep being open to discussions, to other kind of life experiences, the vast majority just takes what is fed to them, sees one side of a story or simply settles for the good old excuse, that this is how society says or is.

Come on!
Society means nothing more than a bunch of people.

Regardless, what smaller, larger society you are part of, the most of those forming that society are strangers to you.
And as a matter of fact, none of them have more right about anything than you have!

So, when there is something that you classify as wrong, as injustice and you want to do something to make it right, then all you have to do, is open your mind, your heart and mouth and start speaking your truth.

And all the while keep open to others and their truth.
Be respectful to gain respect.
Ask questions to get answers.
Answer questions you may get.
Never forget that to agree to disagree is a powerful option too!

The sooner people start acting more, along these lines, sooner will come a wider spread understanding and agreement and the sooner those abusing power can be shut up, off and out.

And it starts at a level of two people (family, friends, partners, colleagues, neighbours, …) having a discussion about anything.

Start living by ‘’live and let live!
A concept/phrase that originates back to 1622 and we can thank the Dutch for it.

It is time to realise the power of open, honest communication, of respect, of that different doesn’t make anyone automatically wrong, of that we all by default are different, we are all unique and we all have the same right to live a full and happy life on this Earth.

It’s been too long we played their game.
Let’s claim ours!
Let’s be better, let’s lead with love!

Shall we?!?!

Becoming fully yourself

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Women.
Men.
Roles.
Habits.
You can.
You can’t.
You are allowed to.
You are not allowed to.
You do it and you are praised for it.
You do it and you are told it’s not for you.
You should.
You shouldn’t.
Although you are already doing it some tells you, you are not able to do it.

Like having long hair and liking when someone plays with it; crying; showing emotions; getting flowers; sitting down on the toilet; dancing; working as an auto mechanic; wearing colours; skincare; using purses; brewing beer; using make up; sewing; knitting; enjoying sweet drinks; hugging; enjoying and being good at DIY; being the little spoon; crocheting; boxing; being asked out; manicure, pedicure; being complimented; initiating sex; using hand cream; having a long, pampering bath; using candles; receiving chocolate; staying at home with your child for whatever reason; smoking a cigar; … the list is endless.

When you find yourself being hung up on any of these ideas being exclusively for women or exclusively for men, then I suggest you seriously have some time with yourself and check in what makes you believe what you believe.
Likely you never even thought this through for yourself, just took what your surrounding was telling, projecting, showing, pressuring.
So, it is high time you do the thinking and deciding for yourself.

In case you are someone who’s been affected by any of the statements I listed at the beginning of this post or any other along those lines, and by them found yourself discouraged, talked down on, belittled, hurt, confused, you must learn to ignore any of such statement.
Regardless, who says them.

You are allowed to be you. You are encouraged to live the full version of yourself. Your life is yours to construct.
When it is about you, others only can say their opinions which you already can choose not to listen to, but have no right to deny, forbid or restrict you in your own choices. Unless you consent to it.

There are more and more people in the world who realise that life has as many shapes and form as many of us are walking on Earth.
No two identical version of a human being exists or ever existed.
Find your crowd, find your crazy, choose supporting environments.

Get clear on who and how you want to be, allow yourself to become fully you, claim yourself, claim how you want to feel, create yourself as you want to be.

Learn the art of to live and let live!
Enjoy life

Sex – Kink – Fetish

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There are many medical, scientific, politically correct, analytical and such info and documents available on the subject for those who are interested.
My aim here is to shed some light on these from a more lifelike aspect.

Why?
Because often when one wants to talk about these subjects, let alone interested in, or what’s more, is into any kink or fetishes, gets told off that these are evil, bad, nasty, sick or whatever label gets attached to, activities.
Most importantly, these labels are coming from no more than prejudice, pure stupidity, fear of the unknown, ignorance, jealousy, malice and any possible combination of these.

Now that this is clear …

There are some who are not interested in sex at all, and that is perfectly okay.

For others, sex is an activity that is part of their adult life.
Also, it may mean many different things to us, as the word sex is a collective concept.
It basically fits anything that gives a person sexual pleasure.
Starting there, that who needs it how often. Some are okay with sometimes and some can’t function properly if not having it daily. And of course, anything in between.
Kissing, touching, fingering, foreplay, oral pampering, vaginal and anal intercourse are some major fields within sex.
Some engages in and are interested in some or all of these and have no interest to explore further.

And then there are those who are kinky and those who have fetishes.

Here let’s clarify this first: all fetishes are kinks but not all kinks are fetishes.

Why?
Simply put, because a kink is a broad term that includes basically everything that is beyond the missionary sex.
Includes alternative sexual interests, preferences, fetishes, fantasies, roleplays, BDSM and so on.

A fetish on the other hand, is a sexual fixation on an object or act, without which the person can’t have sexual satisfaction, and these can be things or acts that originally are not even sexual. Like shoes, leather or silk, spanking or touching, kissing the partner’s leg …

So, what might be my kink, could be your fetish.

As I always say, in regards of everything really, you must learn, discover yourself first. Alone or with a partner.
You must understand yourself first, what is that you like, want, need, what gives you satisfaction.
Then, you can explore your partner.

Of course, again, as everything, it requires communication.

And because we do change, our interests may shift so the communication must be ongoing.

And finally, regardless of who wants to pull you down how, who wants to disqualify your feelings and needs, you must know, you have the right to be who you are, feel how you feel, need what you need, gain pleasure as you like.

As long, as it is between adults of legal age, not against the partner’s will, as long, as you are not putting anyone in danger.

Basically, in sex anything goes as long, as you keep it safe, sane and consensual.

Enjoy it!

Flow of emotions

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We need to understand the world around us, let it be work, business or private life.
When we don’t, we get frustrated, irritated, puzzled and try to gain understanding as soon as possible.
In best case we ask. Ask for clarification, a different explanation, something we can relate to more.
When not asking then we do the work ourselves. We might do some kind of research by reading up on it or we try to find some answers/sense in ourselves.

Modern art though is something different.
We might, but we don’t need to understand the artist.
In my experience we are allowed and actually encouraged to take our own understanding of it.
A painting, a sculpture, a piece of music or a ballet.

Last week I had the chance to attend a modern ballet performance in a prestigious European Opera house.
Honestly, I had (now I do, read about it afterwards) no idea what the choreographer wanted to say.
All I knew is that an array of emotions was running through me while watching the show, and since!

The thirty some dancers on stage were simply amazing.
At certain scenes I was close to be fully convinced they are not even humans but aliens, as the moves were extraordinary.
Unimaginable for a ‘normal’ human to think it be possible to do.

Through the whole evening emotions were coming. One after the other, the next conflicting the previous one and I didn’t mind it, I didn’t want to stop them coming, nor was I fighting any of it.

And the best part, I believe, is exactly this.
One is allowed to have any and all emotions, one can have their own ‘interpretation’ of the art piece and is nobody’s business.
You can choose to share it, but there is no obligation for it what so ever and need not to ‘defend’ your understanding in case of any different perception from anyone.

When it comes to modern art, what counts is your experience.
Whether it is inspiring, fun, eye opening, even triggering in some ways, it is all enriching you and you must fit no rules, no expectations to take it in in your own ways.

Just as it is with life, with relationships.
Your emotions are yours to feel, they are valid and you owe explanation to no one why you feel and how you feel what you feel.
Your experience, your show, your art, your life.

Illusion – a tool or pure lie

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This I just saw on a social media platform:
‘What makes desirable to be desirable?
From that the woman without sparing money, time and effort, and often even enduring pain, tries to present her advantages in the most tempting way possible and to minimize her disadvantages.
Every single woman has disadvantages, but the man doesn’t have to know about it. Women know how to divert their attention from disadvantages.
Because men are never interested in the truth, it is not what makes them fever, but the illusion of what they see.
However, it is up to the woman, what kind of sight unfolds before them. The smart woman creates the illusion.’

NOOO, this is so fucking wrong on so many levels!

First of all, desirable is not like mathematics where 2+2 always equals 4.
What one considers desirable is a personal preference, meaning that is unique to each and every one of us.

Then why does it talk only about women?
Big mistake to believe men don’t want to be desirable! They do.

Of course, we all want to show our best on a first date or on a special occasion but to build, have and keep a relationship, honesty is a must.
And honesty means that we, women and men alike, admit to our disadvantages too.

Not to mention the fact that it is impossible to upkeep an ‘illusion’ – that I rather call a lie – without fail, all the time, 24/7.
Also, where would the person be in this act of illusion? I mean the authentic, real, raw truth of the person.
I tell you: nowhere! Would be hidden, or worse, not even discovered, acknowledged. It would be a kind of a freak show only.

Plus, it is insulting towards men.
‘Never interested in the truth’?!? How can anyone generalize men like that?
I mean sure, when one is after only a one-night stand, some sexual satisfaction then yes, I buy it, we don’t need the full truth, only the best of each other that makes that night a celebratory fireworks.
But then again, in such a case it would apply both to women AND men!

Worth a note too, men are not dumb, stupid, brainless dicks.
Feel sorry for you if this is the only kind you ever (in family, school, work, relationships, …) experienced.
Men have brain, and they use it too and so, after the initial hunger, they would see through such an ‘illusion’.
When they were after just sex, they likely wouldn’t mind but if they were to look for a relationship then it is also likely that they would get out and look elsewhere.
Obviously, here I am talking about mature men, not hungry boys.

As a final clarification, here is the official definition of the word, illusion:
– an instance of a wrong or misinterpreted perception of a sensory experience
– a deceptive appearance or impression
– a false idea or belief

So please, don’t fall for such shallow ‘wisdom of life’!
It is untrue, simplifying and is hurtful.
Use your brain, rely on your wisdom and be yourself! Fully!

Clearing the fog around Help

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When we are babies we accept help from parents, grandparents, siblings.
Of course, no baby would survive without being fed, sheltered, protected.
Also no one would learn any life skills if adults wouldn’t show, teach, tell them.
It is all natural.

When we grow a bit but are still kids, we go through a stage when we don’t want to take any help, we want to show we can do that thing or another all by ourselves.
We are proud to show off that we can tie our shoelace, or that we can draw, or dress ourselves up.

That stage usually goes parallel with still accepting, even asking for help in other things, that we didn’t learn yet or we are uncertain with them.

Then we get to school and there for sure starts a negative spin … ‘don’t ask for help, you can do it by yourself’, ‘do it alone’, ‘this is not a team project’, ‘don’t help, s/he needs to learn it’.
All with the ‘good’ intention to become your own person, don’t rely on help, don’t bother others.

Once in a work environment, it continues by getting ridiculed (how can you have this job if you don’t know this), not getting a promotion (you are not independent enough), get rejected (it’s not my job to help you) for asking for help.

Unfortunately, in many people all these conditioning get to the point that they grow afraid to ask for help, they get ashamed when they feel they could do with some help.
It will affect one’s all life areas, as the brain won’t separate that asking for help in work is a no go but asking for help in a relationship situation is okay.
And so, another rabbit hole is created, in which one can get lost, can go down so deep that ruins her/his life for years, decades, a lifetime.

To have a healthy, balanced, happy life, we must start by unlearning all the conditioning we were put through in our growing up and young adulthood.

Asking for help, when in need for whatever reason, is okay, is allowed, is the best what one can do.

To meaningfully help someone when they need it, is an amazing feeling.

Help is not something to be forced onto someone or do regardless, as help only really works when is asked for, and is delivered with an honest, no agenda attitude.

Don’t believe otherwise, help is available, help is around you.
Work up the courage and ask for it!
Give yourself the chance to breeze, to let the stress go, to get an outside vantage point from where you see your situation clearly and can find a solution and so move forward to a better, happier, more balanced self and life.

Opinion – clearing some myth

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Mostly everyone is generous in giving, sharing, offering opinions, even pushing theirs onto others, regardless whether asked for it or not.
Often some does it out of a fully convinced self-importance.

An opinion, by definition, is a judgement, a viewpoint, or a statement that is not conclusive.
It is a view or judgement formed about something, not necessarily based on fact or knowledge.

And that is what you always need to keep in mind when getting one on anything, that an opinion is not the universal, unquestionable truth.
Which means, there is no reason for you to get upset when you hear one that you can’t identify with, that you don’t feel to be right for you.

You do have the right and are allowed to have your own opinion, to have different opinion to those shared by the other person, opposing opinion, or even have no opinion at all.
You do have the right and are allowed to accept an opinion, to act on an opinion or to disagree with it, even ignore it completely.
The palette is 360° and it is up to you what you do, how you deal with an opinion.

What you can’t do for the sake of yourself, your self-esteem, your self-confidence, is to let anyone ‘rule’ you with their opinions.
Why?
Because when you let that happen, then basically you allow someone else to ‘lead’ your life.
And that is far from healthy, far from constructive, far from happy and is not sustainable.

Also, for all the above mentioned reasons, when you share your opinion on anything with anyone, just make sure you word it with positive, helping intention, when you say it you are not expecting it to be taken, as well as you are ready to accept a possible counter-opinion.

When the exchange of opinions happens this way than you are on the right path to meaningful conversations.

In my opinion! 🙂

The green-eyed monster

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Psychologists are saying that it is a natural and perceived to be negative feeling.
They established categories:  normal and abnormal.
Within these two categories six types are identified: rational, family, pathological, sexual, romantic, power.
They say it is normal to feel it in a close relationship.

Jealousy.

What makes it normal?
Is it that many people are? Is it that it is subject of many chats, gossips? Is it that many people already experienced it on a way or another?

In my opinion it is not normal.

It is a feeling without any constructive outcome.
It does not help, it does not make things move forward on a positive way.
It does not make connections deeper nor more committed.

What it does though is that it hurts the person feeling it.
Also, when it gets impossible to hide it, and criticizing, fault finding, blaming, overprotectiveness, suspiciousness, quick temper, verbal or even physical abuse happens in the name of it, then the person on the receiving end suffers too.

In my opinion jealousy is a result of self-worth issues, uncertainty, instability, lack of self-love, lack of trust, lack of self-knowledge, of self-acceptance.

As none of that is serving the best possible life of anyone, none of that should be taken as ‘okay’, as ‘this is how it is’, especially that all can be turned around.

One can learn to know her/his self-worth, can become certain and stable, can start working on and getting to self-love, can learn to trust, can get to knowing and accepting self.

Jealousy is not a ‘sentence for life’ when one is ready to do the work.
When one wants a loving, caring, balanced relationship then the best s/he can do is start the work immediately.

Especially that no one to be expected to suffer its damaging effects endlessly, so no surprise when one decides to walk away from a jealous person.

Not knowing – mistake – sin

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One often falls into the trap of assuming.
We assume we understand the same by an expression.
We assume we have the same ideas, limits, borders, ethical standards.

Stop hurting yourself, your partner, your relationships.
Stop assuming!
Hardly anyone is a mind reader so don’t expect your partner to know what you think.
It can get you into misunderstandings, arguments, fights, heartaches and let’s be honest here, most could be avoided only if you were into the habit of talking, asking, discussing, communicating instead of assuming.

Like with sins.
What are those things that are ‘no go-s’ for you?
When does a repeated mistake turns into sin?
What do you consider as a sin?
How far are you willing to push out your borders?

Yes, we are there again that first and foremost you must know yourself in order to be able to share these with your (would be) partner.

Are you okay with someone being late? How late? How often? Under what circumstances?
What do you do about it? Accept it? Fight over it? Break up because of it?
My mum’s solution was, once she realized he was always, without fail, 15 minutes late, that she told him to meet or be wherever they needed to be at 15 minutes earlier than she wanted him there, so like that she basically made him to be punctual … and it worked.
For her that wasn’t a reason to fight. She realized that it was something strangely messed up in his ‘system’ and she found a solution that worked for the both of them.
It never was an issue ever again.

Of course, this is a smaller example.
There are more serious ones to be considered.

Like lies.
Can you live with lies?
Are you okay with white lies?
Do you have the same understanding what white lies are?
Are secrets considered as lies?

How about cheating?
Is looking/smiling at another wo/man is already cheating?
Is having a steamy conversation counts as it?
Or is it all acceptable until it gets physical?
Or unless there are feelings involved, you can look passed it?

Where are your borders?
What are those lines within which it all needs to be kept at?

No, it is not obvious.
No, it is not self-explanatory.
No, it is not the same for everyone.
People do have different understandings, limits, frames within which feel safe and comfortable.

Two (or however many) people work well together when both (all) realize that there is no way to be discussing every possible scenario before a relationship forms.
When both are willing to share their yeses and no-s ongoingly.
When both give leeway to possible errors.
When both are willing and ready to listen, and course correct.
When both have their borders and are respecting the other’s.

So once again it boils down to self-knowledge and ongoing honest communication as every and all aspects of a relationship needs to be talked about, discussed, agreed on if you want a well working, balanced, happy union.

Ins and outs of a breakup

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In my video on YouTube last week, I was talking about breakups, about the actual way of how to do it ‘well’.
That is one (crucial) part of the whole process.
Obviously, there is, as with everything, more to it.

Like there are people who always break up just before the relationship would get to the next level, to get to a serious, long term commitment.
In general, those people prefer easy, loose, light connections, are not ready to or are, for whatever reason, afraid to commit.

Of course, nothing is wrong with any kind of a preference.
Only is most beneficial to clarify the intensions quite early in the process of getting to know one another.

If it is being afraid of commitment and is realised by the person her/himself, then it can be worked on, then professional help (coach, psychologist) can be the guide through a faster healing process.

When two people get together who both prefer a light, fun, easy connection then all is perfect, green light for keep going.

But when one is after a more serious, a more committed, more ‘let’s build a life together’ kind and the other is not, then is best to not even pursue any further that road together.
Don’t get into a relationship thinking ‘oh, doesn’t matter what s/he thinks, I will change that’.
NO.
You won’t.
Or sometimes you will, on the surface but the person will be suffering beneath it.

Any and all lasting change start from within. Not by an outside force.

Meaning that if one gets to a realization that they want to change, they will initiate it.
When it is an outside force then the options are of strong resistance or a not heartfelt ‘I’ll  give it a try’ that won’t lead anywhere, or of eventually giving in but that will not last (maybe only till the break up).

Another crazy tendency I want to mention is after the break up saying all the ugly things about the ex.
Yes, I know, sometimes really nasty things happen but still!
Think about it, it was you who spent x amount of time with that person, it was you who decided to get into a relationship with that person, it was you who was in a relationship with that person.

Sure, with time you might have realized the person was not 100% legit, not completely who they said they were or the opposite, you didn’t believe they are as they said they were.
Still, you should not make the mistake of throwing mud at your ex … it does get you muddy too!

After a breakup you want to vent to your best friend. Fine. Do it.
What ever you need to do (get drunk, cry, indulge in food, say things out loud, … ), do it but do it in private!
Never get yourself into the unpleasant situation that people get to ask you ‘if the person is really so, then why at all were you in a relationship with her/him?’

True, we do get disappointed, we might misread someone, we might find out certain characteristics sometimes at a later stage in a relationship, this all can happen.
One major difference is how do we handle it.
Hating won’t help you, but learning from it will benefit you greatly.

So about a breakup is not only the actual breaking up that we can do better but also the recognizing early of what might lead to it so we can deal with the thing on hand way better.
Plus we can clean up our act on how do we deal with the aftermath of it.

It is kind of unavoidable for breakups to come about, but it is up to us whether we keep marching on pointing only at others for what happened to us, or we are taking it as a learning opportunity and try our best to be and do better from then on for our own sake.