Ins and outs of a breakup

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In my video on YouTube last week, I was talking about breakups, about the actual way of how to do it ‘well’.
That is one (crucial) part of the whole process.
Obviously, there is, as with everything, more to it.

Like there are people who always break up just before the relationship would get to the next level, to get to a serious, long term commitment.
In general, those people prefer easy, loose, light connections, are not ready to or are, for whatever reason, afraid to commit.

Of course, nothing is wrong with any kind of a preference.
Only is most beneficial to clarify the intensions quite early in the process of getting to know one another.

If it is being afraid of commitment and is realised by the person her/himself, then it can be worked on, then professional help (coach, psychologist) can be the guide through a faster healing process.

When two people get together who both prefer a light, fun, easy connection then all is perfect, green light for keep going.

But when one is after a more serious, a more committed, more ‘let’s build a life together’ kind and the other is not, then is best to not even pursue any further that road together.
Don’t get into a relationship thinking ‘oh, doesn’t matter what s/he thinks, I will change that’.
NO.
You won’t.
Or sometimes you will, on the surface but the person will be suffering beneath it.

Any and all lasting change start from within. Not by an outside force.

Meaning that if one gets to a realization that they want to change, they will initiate it.
When it is an outside force then the options are of strong resistance or a not heartfelt ‘I’ll  give it a try’ that won’t lead anywhere, or of eventually giving in but that will not last (maybe only till the break up).

Another crazy tendency I want to mention is after the break up saying all the ugly things about the ex.
Yes, I know, sometimes really nasty things happen but still!
Think about it, it was you who spent x amount of time with that person, it was you who decided to get into a relationship with that person, it was you who was in a relationship with that person.

Sure, with time you might have realized the person was not 100% legit, not completely who they said they were or the opposite, you didn’t believe they are as they said they were.
Still, you should not make the mistake of throwing mud at your ex … it does get you muddy too!

After a breakup you want to vent to your best friend. Fine. Do it.
What ever you need to do (get drunk, cry, indulge in food, say things out loud, … ), do it but do it in private!
Never get yourself into the unpleasant situation that people get to ask you ‘if the person is really so, then why at all were you in a relationship with her/him?’

True, we do get disappointed, we might misread someone, we might find out certain characteristics sometimes at a later stage in a relationship, this all can happen.
One major difference is how do we handle it.
Hating won’t help you, but learning from it will benefit you greatly.

So about a breakup is not only the actual breaking up that we can do better but also the recognizing early of what might lead to it so we can deal with the thing on hand way better.
Plus we can clean up our act on how do we deal with the aftermath of it.

It is kind of unavoidable for breakups to come about, but it is up to us whether we keep marching on pointing only at others for what happened to us, or we are taking it as a learning opportunity and try our best to be and do better from then on for our own sake.

An often hidden ‘ghost’

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Have you ever heard the expression ‘trauma response’?
It is mostly used for the emotional response to some terrible events, like an accident, rape or natural disaster.

On a seemingly lighter level, agreeing to things just to keep the peace, is actually also a trauma response that becomes part of life of a relationship dependent person.

It originates mostly from childhood, when for the parents, family members to not to have a go at the kid for whatever reason, s/he learns that the easiest way out is to agree – even though s/he doesn’t feel it, think it so – to whatever the adult is saying, so peace can be had.

On top of that when a person is relationship dependent, is often times a response to experiencing the mostly non-recognised trauma of repeatedly being told, and so conditioned to, that ‘you are nothing’, ‘you never going to make it by yourself’, ‘you never will be able to make a life for yourself’, ‘you can’t stand on your own feet’, ‘you are unviable’ and so on.

As a result, this person can only imagine their adult life within a relationship, where they are under the impression that with the other person by their side now they are someone, now they are able to have a life, to survive, be secure, to live.
And so to upkeep the relationship they agree to everything their partner wants, in the hope that it will make it last.

Usually, this person has no personal boundaries or if they do then continuously disrespect those for the sake of ‘peace’.

Being relationship dependent by all means blocks the way to become and live as a self-confident, independent, secure, stable person, prevents or at least interferes with the person’s growth, of achieving their highest potential, of living their own life on their own terms.

Being relationship dependent is only a way of existing and not a way of living.

When one realises this trap and builds the courage to decide to get out of such scenario, for most, coaching can switch on the light at the end of the tunnel and be the necessary help to be able to take that journey to a brighter, more healthy way of life.

When you recognise yourself in the above written, I wish you all the strength to rise up, get some help and rewrite the rest of your life story on a personally more satisfying, free, (self)loving way.

Next Step for me

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It was nearly 6 years ago when I started a Facebook page with the intension of sharing some of my thoughts to help to heal, chill, learn, move forward or just simply ‘saying out loud’ some thoughts that one couldn’t or wouldn’t do for her/himself.
Then a little over a year ago, as I had the privilege to work with more and more people through what I grew steadily and continuously both as a coach and as a person, I started this website to do the same in an ‘even more me’ environment and was shifting the emphasis to here.

As of today, I am ready for the next step.

Introducing my YouTube channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCxqlZbNISn405gY9nWY5vRg

The planned structure is that every week there will be a video or a blog post, alternately.
Every second week you will have something new to read here and on the week in between a new video will be aired on YouTube.

Hopefully, you will continue to find some positive encouragement in my content and when you get to the point, you will contact me to work together.

Thank you for your ongoing support, positive feedback and encouragement!

As always, I believe it to be true for all of us: the best is yet to come.

Contemplation on breakups

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We all experience it in our lives. Some of us more than once.
Sometimes it gets brutal, sometimes smooth, some foreseeable, some completely unexpected.
Whether it happens after 6 weeks, 6 month or 6 years, however way it happens, someone will get hurt in it.

As with everything in life, here also are two sides to the story.
One is to be the one initiating the breakup, the other is to be broken up with.

Being broken up with unexpectedly, without a relatable explanation, I believe is the most difficult one of the possible combinations.
Comes as a shock and leaves you alone to deal with it without a handrail by which you could start to dig yourself out of the hole.

Okay, when the other just disappears into thin air without as much as one single word, that is worse.
That is a class act ‘jerk-ism’.

Breakups are inevitable parts of our lives. Sometimes we will be on this, and sometimes on the other side of the slash. If not in an intimate relationship (some are lucky to find their true partner for the first) then in a friendship, in family relations or in business partnership.
The question is not if we going to experience it but when and how.

To do good by one’s Karma, to be a decent human being, you might want to consider the followings.
Although all breakups are unique as are the relationships, there are some ‘rules’ that can be applied in most situations.
Of course in case of any toxic crap going on, there isn’t much to consider, just get out of and far from it ASAP.
In any other case, first think, weigh the heaviness of the issue, communicate, look for ways to mend what is mendable.
There is no such thing as instant perfect. Perfect needs work. It needs time, willingness, open and honest communication, care and love.

When all above proves to be futile then it is time to breakup.
Face to face in person, not in public, keep it civilised, save the scene/crazy drama, say/listen what is to be said, hold it together and then walk away.

Once it is done, talk with someone you trust (friend, family), allow all emotions to go through you, don’t block any of it. When the shock/pain subsides realize it happened for a reason, it showed your incompatibility and so you both are better off on your separate ways.
Now it is time to take care of yourself. The longer you were in that relationship the more likely you need to figure yourself out again, to ‘upgrade’ your identity, to get back to your authentic self.
Enjoy the you-time. Do not hurry yourself.
Don’t force yourself out to the dating scene before digesting the learning of that relationship and breakup, before healing completely.

You only can receive and give well when you are stable, in balance and open.
Connection and love are beautiful. You deserve the best of it.
Never give up!
Just know: the best is yet to come.

Another kind of loathsome

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In recent days I experienced something that triggered me.
Nothing devastating only sad, discouraging and/or annoying.
But then again, the more I was thinking about it, the more I thought that indeed it is something big and serious, although commonly we just wave it off, shrug and move on.

This action is, in general, get to be talked about a lot – now I am not getting into of what I think of the how – but this subspecies of the act, I feel is getting overlooked.

It is abuse, specifically the abuse of time.

Abuse is often subject of discussions, of warnings, of certain teachings of what to be careful about and how to recognise signs of it as early as possible.
These talks are mainly about physical, emotional, sexual and sometimes about organizational/institutional abuse.
They are much needed discussions and people must be made aware of how they can protect themselves from it or if they had already fallen victim of, then how to get out of, recover from any of such experience.
Nowadays various kind of help is available to those suffering from any of it, so once they realize and admit to themselves that this is what is happening to them, they have the chance to ask for help and recover, eventually.

But if one’s time gets abused?
By someone who is constantly late without any acceptable reason?
By someone who constantly cancels at the very last moment and so screwing up your plans?
Or if after a few hours or days, you discover that the other’s motives in a discussion/connection, let it be business or private, were exclusively selfish, with only their own interest and sake in their mind but all that was presented to be as a possible mutually beneficial communication?
Of course, we can emotionally overcome of such crap fast, saying that ‘shit happens’, not all are as they say they are.

But the real pain here is that time can not be recovered!
Time that we tend to take for granted.
Time that could have been better spent.
Time that never comes back, never can be relived.
Time that never waits, never stops.

When anyone around you shows signs of such irresponsible, even if lightly but abusive behaviour, call them out on it.
They might not even have been aware of the nature of such doing.
Do not let it slide!
Call attention to it while it is ‘small’, you might just be able to stop someone growing into a more serial/serious kind of an abuser.

By all means you’d be demolishing the ‘I didn’t realize’ excuse, at least.

 

From the Cambridge English Dictionary:
Abuser is someone who treats another person in a cruel, violent or unfair way.
Someone who uses something in a way that is harmful or morally wrong.

Celebrating another ‘day’

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… so today is International Women’s day, today women young and old are celebrated in the most part of the world …
Those women who on other days get mum-shamed, body shamed, abused verbally, mentally, physically, raped and then pointed finger at and said she asked for it … and so on.

There are other ‘precious’ days in the calendar too, like Valentine’s Day when lovers show their love to their partner through gifts and gestures and the day before and after keep cheating on them, keep degrading them, don’t appreciate them.

Or there is Father’s Day when those men get elevated onto a pedestal for their amazing fatherness. Only the day before and after they get ignored, criticised for how they hold their own child, get told off that they are the worst why they allow/accept this or that for/in their children.

And the list could go on but you get the idea.

We have plenty of celebrations, special days written in the calendar and to comply with societal expectations we do our best to show we do know those days, we do what is expected.
Just have a look at any of the social media sites. All are there and showing (off) their feelings and gifts.

By now I am sure you sense it, I am not the biggest fan of such ‘special days’.
In my world if you are in love then you love every day, if you have a mother/father and you think they are the best then you feel like that all year round, if you appreciate and respect women then you do that all day and every day … and if you are not then don’t be a joke to ‘play nice’ for that one day for the ‘colleagues/neighbours to see’.

As for me, I feel it sickening and hypocritical when I see all the dirt, nastiness, attacks, criticism flowing like an endless river only being (kind of) stopped for one day in the year to celebrate certain groups of people.
In my ideal world we would all be caring, loving and allowing.
We would stop constantly looking over the fence into other’s gardens and give them unsolicited advice, opinion.
Rather, we would look around way more in our own world, keep looking into our own mirror to keep working on getting a nicer, better reflection.

Just stop complying with those, often only imagined, societal expectations.
Be the genuine, authentic, kind and caring person who you really are (or aspiring to be) all year round, regardless of the special title of the day.

Celebrate if you want to and know that you don’t have to!

Labels versus Self

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The Internet in general, even more so all forms of social media, unsolicitedly floods people with any and all kind of ‘content’ and make looking up, finding information on anything into a matter of a few clicks.
Basically, whatever you are interested in you will find one opinion/explanation and the 180 degree opposite of it, plus anything in between in a matter of seconds.
To safely navigate all that, one needs to have self-knowledge and be self-confident, intelligent, educated, open minded, curious, understanding and allowing … at least, so it is easy to see why so rapidly numbers are rising of those in despair.

Lately I find, the biggest harm is caused by all those never trained, never studied, no responsibility, let me share my own two cents as it was the Holy Grail kind of ‘influencers’, ‘celebrities’, ‘YouTubers’, ‘Tik-Tokers’ and so on. Many of them hardly over the legal age.

The other day a friend called me and said: ‘I just saw a Tik-Tok video and from it I learned I am demisexual so I am not normal’. ‘What the heck?’ was my reaction, I blew up.
Thankfully, my friend shared it as a kind of an amusement, she is intelligent and whatever shit/label won’t change her view of herself but really, what the crap is going on?!?!?

‘That is not normal’ … ‘this is unhealthy’ … ‘you should do this’ … ‘you have to feel that way’ … all this and many more gets declared continuously by above mentioned type of people. And sadly, many fall into those traps.

No, the Holy Grail is not in my hands, no, I am not the one to know it best either but I am old enough, learned enough, seen enough and confident enough to say, in most cases there is not one ‘true’ way to be, to do.
And when it comes to sexuality and sex then I absolutely know and preach that no one has the right to tell you who you are, how you are, what is best for you!
You describe yourself as you want to, do whatever feels good to you!
As long as you are not hurting anyone, as long as you do it with consenting adult partner/s, everyone else needs to simply shut up and mind their own business.

Labels, such as demisexual, asexual, graysexual, allosexual and all others are surely useful from some research and medical point of view but in everyday life these are mostly only have the effect to divide people, to beat a wedge between them.

Have or don’t sex, be soft or rough or keep mixing it, use or don’t any sex toys, do it with one or more gender, be adventurous or a safe player in it … whatever you do, you need to be wanting it, be happy with it, enjoying it!
What you don’t need is anyone else’s approval, allowing or labelling.

Label yourself if you want to but never take any of that shit from any other person but you.

The controversy about Time

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How many times you heard ‘you have time’ or ‘take your time’ and I am sure you also heard what Buddha said: ‘The biggest mistake is you think you have time’.

Personally, I do believe that one of the biggest mistakes people make in life is to sit back and believe the mirage that one has time.

How often you are like ‘I can do that later’, ‘maybe some other time’, ‘will call/talk/do/meet/see later’ … but then you realize, the opportunity is gone, that place got closed down, the person is gone …
Acknowledged it, let it slip by, didn’t even take notice of it, took it for granted … and that makes you part of the vast majority of humans who don’t realize the seriousness of time till something unchangeable, something (usually) tragic won’t happen to you.

You heard it and done it all, I guess.

Also, I am sure you heard the solution too. Here I am just reminding you of it. It is no witchery, it is kinda simple.
In fact, though we people divide time into 3 parts – past, present, future – you only need to concentrate on your relationship to present.
That is what matters.
That is the what matters only.

The past is gone, can’t change it, the future is not here yet, can’t know it.

Unless you understand this already, unless you seize it already, I encourage you to heal this relationship first, before any other relationships.
Once you become friends, you accepted time’s predictable passing and realized what now really means, your life will get in the flow, you’ll arrive to now and from there on will live all your life in the now and will appreciate it and make the most of it.

Shakespeare summed it up beautifully by writing: ‘time is very slow for those who want, very fast for those who are scared, very long for those who are sad and very short for those who celebrate but for those who love, it is eternal’.

Time is a reliable part of life. It is always there, always the same, never judges, never makes exceptions.
It is you, the individual, who makes friends with it or who treats it as enemy.
It is all in your head, in your thoughts, in your feelings.
And this is great news because unless you and time are already best of friends, all is in your power to change this relationship for the better!

Enjoy your time!

Opposing a psychologist

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Just read an interview with a big name clinical psychologist, sexual psychologist.

For the first read I was like, woah, I really don’t agree with her.
Then had a chat about the piece with a friend of mine and for the sake of being precise in the discussion I kept re-reading the article. The more I read it, the more I was like NO, this is crap!!!
Sure she is highly trained and very experienced in her profession but by what I read, I wonder what kind of partner/s she have/had and how her sex life is … of course it is also possible that again is just a bad journalist who cut some stuff together and ‘sold’ it as an authentic interview.

Anyway … one of the statements were that a woman’s full body is an erogenous zone, but a man has only one of such area. Really?
In my work as well as outside work I had zillions of conversations with clients and friends out of which none would approve the above said.
Not to talk about the men I had sex with, I experienced with all of them that they had multiple areas where if they got played with, I got to see standing results. Also, there are parts of my body where no matter how much one would invest, would never get an erotic response out of me.

Another thing that got me screaming was that she said, couples need not to discuss everything honestly because she says ‘if one is honest then wants to prove her/his point and that is straight way to conflict. Also – she asks – what should be discussed? That what to do? That would be like a GPS.’

Now come on! First of all, being honest does not mean being right.
Being honest means this is what I think, this is what it means to me, this is how I see/feel/understand of whatever it is about.
Being honest means I don’t sugar-coat shit, I don’t do/say/take/accept anything just to please the other while I do not agree.
Being honest gives way to get to know the real person, the real feelings/needs/wants/expectations … and so it gives way to meaningful COMMUNICATION and not to conflict.

What should be discussed? Anything. Everything. Whatever.

And yes, when it comes to sex, do tell your partner your likes and dislikes, let her/him know what works for you. It does not mean sex will become dull since when you have a favourite destination to go to, even the GPS offers different roads that lead there. So is in sex. The final destination is likely a given but the way how you bring your partner there depends on your creativity, enthusiasm, love, care, patience, playfulness, and of course on your physical skills too.
So please, for your sake, for your relationships’ sake do communicate, communicate continuously and communicate honestly!

Circle of hate

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Seriously? In the XXI. century we are still here?
Although we are able to send people into space, we can print out literally anything in 3D, we can contact one another across the Globe by the touch of a button … we are still here that because you can’t face your chickenshit life and have no strength to better yourself you turn onto others and spit hate? Really???

White hates coloured. Coloured hates white.
Straight hates gay. Gay hates straight.
Religious hates atheists. Atheist hates religious.
Vegan hates meat eater. Meat eater hates vegan.
Slim hates fat. Fat hates slim.
Graduate hates uneducated. Uneducated hates graduate.

This list is fucking endless!!!

Each and every one of us can be ugly-spoken about, bullied, hated by someone else. We all can be the subject of it.
Do you see the pattern? You hate someone, someone hates you … and so it goes still the last man standing.

OR you can decide to break the circle and stop hating, bullying, ugly-speaking.

Think about it: does this crap brings you anything constructive, good, nice?
Are you any more rich, beautiful, happy, healthy, any more of a better person? Does your sex life, relationship gets any better from it?
Does it bring you ANYTHING?
For once, be honest with yourself: the answer is an absolute NO.

It only takes away from you. Your energy, focus, peace.

So why are you still participating in this fucked up, no win, mostly media/politics generated ‘game’ that does not benefit you in any way?

You were not born with hate in you and this is a proven fact.
You learnt it somewhere along the line and that means you can unlearn it, drop it, close it out of your life.
It only takes one decision to break the circle off.

And then you’ll have more energy, time, attention that you can turn toward anything that does bring you happiness, satisfaction, riches, health, peace.

Be selfish!
Think of what profits you!

It is simple! Just don’t fall for the ‘game’ they are trying to pull you into! There is no benefit in it for you! There is no gain in it for the individual, only politics and sharks profit from it.

Realize that on this planet there are plants, animals and people, and all three types of beings have plenty of variations.
That’s it.
No less.
No more.

Just be! Enjoy life, have fun, make the most of it!
Love!