Easy as a restaurant review

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Whatever we are talking about, depending on where we are looking, who we are asking, we can find polar opposite views, opinions, experiences about it.

Simple example is a restaurant review.
There is a nasty, negative rating and on the very same day another happy, positive one.
How will you know which one is to believe to?
How will you decide whether to go or not to that restaurant?

It will entirely depend on you.
On your mood in that moment, on your general attitude, on your previous experiences, on your wants and needs.
How?
Like that if you are in the blues, not even sure if you want to go out to eat at all, if you had at some other time at some other restaurant some bad experience already, if you are not that hungry and anyways you have other options like ordering food or finding something in your kitchen, you very likely will believe the negative view and will not go.
On the other hand when you are happy, willing to go out, had no particularly bad restaurant experience before, hungry, having no other options to choose from, you will trust the positive rating and will go.

Relying on the ratings from complete strangers, without any knowledge of their possible agendas, of what was the reality of their ratings, of what might had influenced them to write whatever they did, you made your mind up, believed one of them, made your decision.

Whatever you decided, whatever happens next, you have no right to blame the reviewer, you can’t make them responsible.

The fact though is, when you never go to that restaurant ever, you will not have a personal experience and so neither the right to claim a well-established opinion really.
Contrary to that, when you go, you will gain experience first-hand, and so you can form your own, grounded views.

… and this shit applies to anything and everything in life!

When you have an opinion about anything that you had no personal experience with and you are stating whatever you believe for God only knows why to be the truth and are eagerly spreading that out and wide, you are losing your credibility.
And so does everyone else doing that towards you!

Having an opinion is a human right. Believing whatever, to whomever is a personal choice.

To be authentic and stay trustworthy I find it a good idea that when stating something without personal experience, without thorough knowledge, is best to start by saying something like ‘although I have no personal experience, my opinion based on … is … ‘

When someone is not into an open discussion with you by talking, asking, listening, showing curiosity towards your views but throws ‘facts’, views, opinions at you about anything in life, especially concerning your looks, relationships, sex life, likes and dislikes, preferences (particularly when you didn’t even ask for it), you have all the right to not listen to that person.
Use your legitimate self-defence and ignore, use the ‘Ctrl+Alt+Del’ combo on them.

You are the only one with a full knowledge on your whys and why nots, you have to be the title character of your own life, you are no less (not more either) then anyone else, regardless of your life choices.

Therefore, whenever you decide, choose, do or don’t anything, make sure it is your decision, your wholehearted yes or no!
And thus you can take full responsibility for it too.

Becoming fully yourself

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Women.
Men.
Roles.
Habits.
You can.
You can’t.
You are allowed to.
You are not allowed to.
You do it and you are praised for it.
You do it and you are told it’s not for you.
You should.
You shouldn’t.
Although you are already doing it some tells you, you are not able to do it.

Like having long hair and liking when someone plays with it; crying; showing emotions; getting flowers; sitting down on the toilet; dancing; working as an auto mechanic; wearing colours; skincare; using purses; brewing beer; using make up; sewing; knitting; enjoying sweet drinks; hugging; enjoying and being good at DIY; being the little spoon; crocheting; boxing; being asked out; manicure, pedicure; being complimented; initiating sex; using hand cream; having a long, pampering bath; using candles; receiving chocolate; staying at home with your child for whatever reason; smoking a cigar; … the list is endless.

When you find yourself being hung up on any of these ideas being exclusively for women or exclusively for men, then I suggest you seriously have some time with yourself and check in what makes you believe what you believe.
Likely you never even thought this through for yourself, just took what your surrounding was telling, projecting, showing, pressuring.
So, it is high time you do the thinking and deciding for yourself.

In case you are someone who’s been affected by any of the statements I listed at the beginning of this post or any other along those lines, and by them found yourself discouraged, talked down on, belittled, hurt, confused, you must learn to ignore any of such statement.
Regardless, who says them.

You are allowed to be you. You are encouraged to live the full version of yourself. Your life is yours to construct.
When it is about you, others only can say their opinions which you already can choose not to listen to, but have no right to deny, forbid or restrict you in your own choices. Unless you consent to it.

There are more and more people in the world who realise that life has as many shapes and form as many of us are walking on Earth.
No two identical version of a human being exists or ever existed.
Find your crowd, find your crazy, choose supporting environments.

Get clear on who and how you want to be, allow yourself to become fully you, claim yourself, claim how you want to feel, create yourself as you want to be.

Learn the art of to live and let live!
Enjoy life

Sex – Kink – Fetish

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There are many medical, scientific, politically correct, analytical and such info and documents available on the subject for those who are interested.
My aim here is to shed some light on these from a more lifelike aspect.

Why?
Because often when one wants to talk about these subjects, let alone interested in, or what’s more, is into any kink or fetishes, gets told off that these are evil, bad, nasty, sick or whatever label gets attached to, activities.
Most importantly, these labels are coming from no more than prejudice, pure stupidity, fear of the unknown, ignorance, jealousy, malice and any possible combination of these.

Now that this is clear …

There are some who are not interested in sex at all, and that is perfectly okay.

For others, sex is an activity that is part of their adult life.
Also, it may mean many different things to us, as the word sex is a collective concept.
It basically fits anything that gives a person sexual pleasure.
Starting there, that who needs it how often. Some are okay with sometimes and some can’t function properly if not having it daily. And of course, anything in between.
Kissing, touching, fingering, foreplay, oral pampering, vaginal and anal intercourse are some major fields within sex.
Some engages in and are interested in some or all of these and have no interest to explore further.

And then there are those who are kinky and those who have fetishes.

Here let’s clarify this first: all fetishes are kinks but not all kinks are fetishes.

Why?
Simply put, because a kink is a broad term that includes basically everything that is beyond the missionary sex.
Includes alternative sexual interests, preferences, fetishes, fantasies, roleplays, BDSM and so on.

A fetish on the other hand, is a sexual fixation on an object or act, without which the person can’t have sexual satisfaction, and these can be things or acts that originally are not even sexual. Like shoes, leather or silk, spanking or touching, kissing the partner’s leg …

So, what might be my kink, could be your fetish.

As I always say, in regards of everything really, you must learn, discover yourself first. Alone or with a partner.
You must understand yourself first, what is that you like, want, need, what gives you satisfaction.
Then, you can explore your partner.

Of course, again, as everything, it requires communication.

And because we do change, our interests may shift so the communication must be ongoing.

And finally, regardless of who wants to pull you down how, who wants to disqualify your feelings and needs, you must know, you have the right to be who you are, feel how you feel, need what you need, gain pleasure as you like.

As long, as it is between adults of legal age, not against the partner’s will, as long, as you are not putting anyone in danger.

Basically, in sex anything goes as long, as you keep it safe, sane and consensual.

Enjoy it!

Illusion – a tool or pure lie

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This I just saw on a social media platform:
‘What makes desirable to be desirable?
From that the woman without sparing money, time and effort, and often even enduring pain, tries to present her advantages in the most tempting way possible and to minimize her disadvantages.
Every single woman has disadvantages, but the man doesn’t have to know about it. Women know how to divert their attention from disadvantages.
Because men are never interested in the truth, it is not what makes them fever, but the illusion of what they see.
However, it is up to the woman, what kind of sight unfolds before them. The smart woman creates the illusion.’

NOOO, this is so fucking wrong on so many levels!

First of all, desirable is not like mathematics where 2+2 always equals 4.
What one considers desirable is a personal preference, meaning that is unique to each and every one of us.

Then why does it talk only about women?
Big mistake to believe men don’t want to be desirable! They do.

Of course, we all want to show our best on a first date or on a special occasion but to build, have and keep a relationship, honesty is a must.
And honesty means that we, women and men alike, admit to our disadvantages too.

Not to mention the fact that it is impossible to upkeep an ‘illusion’ – that I rather call a lie – without fail, all the time, 24/7.
Also, where would the person be in this act of illusion? I mean the authentic, real, raw truth of the person.
I tell you: nowhere! Would be hidden, or worse, not even discovered, acknowledged. It would be a kind of a freak show only.

Plus, it is insulting towards men.
‘Never interested in the truth’?!? How can anyone generalize men like that?
I mean sure, when one is after only a one-night stand, some sexual satisfaction then yes, I buy it, we don’t need the full truth, only the best of each other that makes that night a celebratory fireworks.
But then again, in such a case it would apply both to women AND men!

Worth a note too, men are not dumb, stupid, brainless dicks.
Feel sorry for you if this is the only kind you ever (in family, school, work, relationships, …) experienced.
Men have brain, and they use it too and so, after the initial hunger, they would see through such an ‘illusion’.
When they were after just sex, they likely wouldn’t mind but if they were to look for a relationship then it is also likely that they would get out and look elsewhere.
Obviously, here I am talking about mature men, not hungry boys.

As a final clarification, here is the official definition of the word, illusion:
– an instance of a wrong or misinterpreted perception of a sensory experience
– a deceptive appearance or impression
– a false idea or belief

So please, don’t fall for such shallow ‘wisdom of life’!
It is untrue, simplifying and is hurtful.
Use your brain, rely on your wisdom and be yourself! Fully!

Clearing the fog around Help

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When we are babies we accept help from parents, grandparents, siblings.
Of course, no baby would survive without being fed, sheltered, protected.
Also no one would learn any life skills if adults wouldn’t show, teach, tell them.
It is all natural.

When we grow a bit but are still kids, we go through a stage when we don’t want to take any help, we want to show we can do that thing or another all by ourselves.
We are proud to show off that we can tie our shoelace, or that we can draw, or dress ourselves up.

That stage usually goes parallel with still accepting, even asking for help in other things, that we didn’t learn yet or we are uncertain with them.

Then we get to school and there for sure starts a negative spin … ‘don’t ask for help, you can do it by yourself’, ‘do it alone’, ‘this is not a team project’, ‘don’t help, s/he needs to learn it’.
All with the ‘good’ intention to become your own person, don’t rely on help, don’t bother others.

Once in a work environment, it continues by getting ridiculed (how can you have this job if you don’t know this), not getting a promotion (you are not independent enough), get rejected (it’s not my job to help you) for asking for help.

Unfortunately, in many people all these conditioning get to the point that they grow afraid to ask for help, they get ashamed when they feel they could do with some help.
It will affect one’s all life areas, as the brain won’t separate that asking for help in work is a no go but asking for help in a relationship situation is okay.
And so, another rabbit hole is created, in which one can get lost, can go down so deep that ruins her/his life for years, decades, a lifetime.

To have a healthy, balanced, happy life, we must start by unlearning all the conditioning we were put through in our growing up and young adulthood.

Asking for help, when in need for whatever reason, is okay, is allowed, is the best what one can do.

To meaningfully help someone when they need it, is an amazing feeling.

Help is not something to be forced onto someone or do regardless, as help only really works when is asked for, and is delivered with an honest, no agenda attitude.

Don’t believe otherwise, help is available, help is around you.
Work up the courage and ask for it!
Give yourself the chance to breeze, to let the stress go, to get an outside vantage point from where you see your situation clearly and can find a solution and so move forward to a better, happier, more balanced self and life.

Next Step for me

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It was nearly 6 years ago when I started a Facebook page with the intension of sharing some of my thoughts to help to heal, chill, learn, move forward or just simply ‘saying out loud’ some thoughts that one couldn’t or wouldn’t do for her/himself.
Then a little over a year ago, as I had the privilege to work with more and more people through what I grew steadily and continuously both as a coach and as a person, I started this website to do the same in an ‘even more me’ environment and was shifting the emphasis to here.

As of today, I am ready for the next step.

Introducing my YouTube channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCxqlZbNISn405gY9nWY5vRg

The planned structure is that every week there will be a video or a blog post, alternately.
Every second week you will have something new to read here and on the week in between a new video will be aired on YouTube.

Hopefully, you will continue to find some positive encouragement in my content and when you get to the point, you will contact me to work together.

Thank you for your ongoing support, positive feedback and encouragement!

As always, I believe it to be true for all of us: the best is yet to come.

Labels versus Self

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The Internet in general, even more so all forms of social media, unsolicitedly floods people with any and all kind of ‘content’ and make looking up, finding information on anything into a matter of a few clicks.
Basically, whatever you are interested in you will find one opinion/explanation and the 180 degree opposite of it, plus anything in between in a matter of seconds.
To safely navigate all that, one needs to have self-knowledge and be self-confident, intelligent, educated, open minded, curious, understanding and allowing … at least, so it is easy to see why so rapidly numbers are rising of those in despair.

Lately I find, the biggest harm is caused by all those never trained, never studied, no responsibility, let me share my own two cents as it was the Holy Grail kind of ‘influencers’, ‘celebrities’, ‘YouTubers’, ‘Tik-Tokers’ and so on. Many of them hardly over the legal age.

The other day a friend called me and said: ‘I just saw a Tik-Tok video and from it I learned I am demisexual so I am not normal’. ‘What the heck?’ was my reaction, I blew up.
Thankfully, my friend shared it as a kind of an amusement, she is intelligent and whatever shit/label won’t change her view of herself but really, what the crap is going on?!?!?

‘That is not normal’ … ‘this is unhealthy’ … ‘you should do this’ … ‘you have to feel that way’ … all this and many more gets declared continuously by above mentioned type of people. And sadly, many fall into those traps.

No, the Holy Grail is not in my hands, no, I am not the one to know it best either but I am old enough, learned enough, seen enough and confident enough to say, in most cases there is not one ‘true’ way to be, to do.
And when it comes to sexuality and sex then I absolutely know and preach that no one has the right to tell you who you are, how you are, what is best for you!
You describe yourself as you want to, do whatever feels good to you!
As long as you are not hurting anyone, as long as you do it with consenting adult partner/s, everyone else needs to simply shut up and mind their own business.

Labels, such as demisexual, asexual, graysexual, allosexual and all others are surely useful from some research and medical point of view but in everyday life these are mostly only have the effect to divide people, to beat a wedge between them.

Have or don’t sex, be soft or rough or keep mixing it, use or don’t any sex toys, do it with one or more gender, be adventurous or a safe player in it … whatever you do, you need to be wanting it, be happy with it, enjoying it!
What you don’t need is anyone else’s approval, allowing or labelling.

Label yourself if you want to but never take any of that shit from any other person but you.

Opposing a psychologist

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Just read an interview with a big name clinical psychologist, sexual psychologist.

For the first read I was like, woah, I really don’t agree with her.
Then had a chat about the piece with a friend of mine and for the sake of being precise in the discussion I kept re-reading the article. The more I read it, the more I was like NO, this is crap!!!
Sure she is highly trained and very experienced in her profession but by what I read, I wonder what kind of partner/s she have/had and how her sex life is … of course it is also possible that again is just a bad journalist who cut some stuff together and ‘sold’ it as an authentic interview.

Anyway … one of the statements were that a woman’s full body is an erogenous zone, but a man has only one of such area. Really?
In my work as well as outside work I had zillions of conversations with clients and friends out of which none would approve the above said.
Not to talk about the men I had sex with, I experienced with all of them that they had multiple areas where if they got played with, I got to see standing results. Also, there are parts of my body where no matter how much one would invest, would never get an erotic response out of me.

Another thing that got me screaming was that she said, couples need not to discuss everything honestly because she says ‘if one is honest then wants to prove her/his point and that is straight way to conflict. Also – she asks – what should be discussed? That what to do? That would be like a GPS.’

Now come on! First of all, being honest does not mean being right.
Being honest means this is what I think, this is what it means to me, this is how I see/feel/understand of whatever it is about.
Being honest means I don’t sugar-coat shit, I don’t do/say/take/accept anything just to please the other while I do not agree.
Being honest gives way to get to know the real person, the real feelings/needs/wants/expectations … and so it gives way to meaningful COMMUNICATION and not to conflict.

What should be discussed? Anything. Everything. Whatever.

And yes, when it comes to sex, do tell your partner your likes and dislikes, let her/him know what works for you. It does not mean sex will become dull since when you have a favourite destination to go to, even the GPS offers different roads that lead there. So is in sex. The final destination is likely a given but the way how you bring your partner there depends on your creativity, enthusiasm, love, care, patience, playfulness, and of course on your physical skills too.
So please, for your sake, for your relationships’ sake do communicate, communicate continuously and communicate honestly!

FYI

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Important information:
in case you are a member of the so called “snowflake” tribe, who always takes offence on behalf of everyone and everything because you imagine nearly all communication being an attack, then save yourself the heartache and don’t read me.
Thank you.

 

In my thinking, writing, views I tend to get controversial, explicit, sometimes even vulgar, I say as I think, as I feel. No need to think of what might be behind of what I write.
With me is what you see is what you get. 


The so labelled politically correct communication, in my opinion, equals to beating around the bush and sometimes even to plain bullshit. 

I do believe that this phenomenon is polluting our communication because it drives away from real.

Also I find that it became a super shield to all who find pleasure in getting offended, who have nothing better than jump out of their skin every single time they hear something that they can’t identify with, uncomfortable to face, don’t understand or have no knowledge about.

Being politically correct does not equal to being honest or being right and not being politically correct does not equal to being rude or offensive.

 

What I believe in is the open, honest, straight forward communication.

Which means and allows all participants to may have different opinions, to may be in disagreement, to may be in agreement to disagree – and all that allows real conversations, having real ideas to clash, having to go through pros and cons and coming to real understanding of one another.

 

Just like in a relationship and in sex – if a conversation is not totally honest, even raw at times, if it is not telling of the real needs and wishes, then it gets nowhere, means nothing and paves the highway to disappointments, withdrawal, closing in and to break up.

 

So, I rather just keep it real and honest.