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Go for it with all you’ve got … BUT!

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Do you have any dreams, goals, resolutions you want to have, reach, do?
Being the beginning of a new year, it feels timely to write about this now, as many often wait for a new year to start to set goals, make resolutions and/or to outline a way towards their dreams.

As always, yes, I know, we all are different and behave differently, do things differently, understand things differently.
This is about a general, can happen to anyone kind of feeling, regardless how you categorize (dream, goal, resolution, whatever) the bases of it for yourself.
Like for example I, for one, don’t like/use the word ‘goals’ as somehow I immediately associate it to sports and as such it already carries 50% of a chance of failing/not making it for me.
Dreams on the other hand I did and do have.

So, regardless of how you call it, in which category you put it, I guess you have one/some/more things you want to reach/build/have for yourself in this life.
Also I am sure, you did come across some of these motivational sayings: ‘don’t give up’, ‘never give up’, ‘follow your dreams’, ‘you are nearly there’, ‘the break through is just around the corner’, ‘it is always the darkest right before dawn’ and alike.

Along these lines we can hear too that don’t have a plan B as that would take the wind out from plan A because when you do, you’ll know there is always that plan B you can fall back onto and that would make you comfortable.

My question is, have you ever felt trapped by a dream, goal, resolution you had/have?
I have.
And I can tell you, it felt shit, frightening, hopeless and was taking a lot out of me to survive it, to move forward from there.

Once that dream of mine was born, I put in all I could think of would help me make it come true.
Just like you do when you really want to get somewhere, achieve something.
Studied, worked my ass off, found many different options and took countless opportunities that sounded inline with my reaching that dream. Also, it required tons of work on myself, had to go in deep, dig out crap, sort out my inner game such as limiting beliefs, screwed up patterns and basically getting out of my own way.
Not to forget, I spent a shitload of money for all before mentioned.

All the while I kept chanting to myself those affirmations, motivational quotes and was keeping at it … so much so that I got myself financially broke, mentally exhausted, emotionally wrecked.

What happened? How did it happen? Why did it happen?
Not for one minute had I a plan B.
Not for one minute did I a reality check.

All I had was a dream that I felt completely aligned with, that seemed the most natural, the best and the only way to go.
In spite my feelings, I got to the point where I was forced to change course.
It was a huge fight within myself as every cell of mine was against it, plus every time when I forced myself to decide for taking that step, I immediately run into, seen, heard something that I translated as a sign to not to do so.
It was a huge, painful, soul eating mess.

Finally I had to let go of that tight grip, go on another way, dig myself out of that dark place and realize (in retrospective, some years later) that it was the best way how it all could work out for the best.

Now for doing some good to some, I must say, I strongly suggest that at the beginning of your dream chasing, goal reaching, holding to a resolution: do prepare a plan B, write it down and put it somewhere safe and only thereafter go and concentrate on turning your dreams into reality.
In case in the process you find yourself over your reasonable timeline or money options, or at the edge of your sanity, or you feel your emotional wellbeing at risk, get your plan B out and go with that, for the time being at least!

True, it is always better to try and don’t reach than never try.
Also true that there are second (even third, fourth …) chances in life.

My conclusion is that it is best to have a plan B and change to it in case of need than ending up in an excessive, exhausting chaos, that brings you in to a dire, suffocating nightmare.

Be good to yourself!
Don’t get ruined in chasing the perfect dream, don’t get eaten alive in fighting to score goals but realise in time that reality, life as it is, is always better, even if it is not always perfect.

End and beginning, old and new

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Coming close to the end of a not so easy year.
Whatever you believe, to whomever you believe, how many (un)answered questions you might have, whatever you decided on, however many conversations you heard, took part in, however much you feared or cried, how much you (didn’t) care, however you went through this past year, I guess you are tired.

Now that the holiday season is here, I think it is important that you remind yourself: you need to take care of yourself first!
You know, even in the airplane safety demo they say put on your own oxygen mask first, or that you can’t give from an empty pantry, or … you get the picture.

So, if Christmas (or whatever holiday for this matter) is your thing, then go for it, go crazy about it, enjoy it.
If not, then don’t force yourself to indulge in it.
If cooking, baking, enjoying feasts is your thing, dive in.
If not, then go for that toast and butter you love.
If family and friends are who you want to spend time with, do it.
If you rather keep to yourself, do that.

Nothing about any holiday is a compulsory act!
Do as you wish or at least do as it suit you best in your given circumstances.

Also, when you will be meeting and spending time with family members, acquaintances, people in general with whom you are not spending much time together throughout the year, be sure to carefully navigate the stormy waters of communication.
The chances of misunderstandings can easily skyrocket.
For the sake of a peaceful, fun time, it worth to ignore certain subjects.
Or at least do not jump into conclusions and don’t start fights.
Ask, answer clearly, explain if needed.
Nobody’s opinion is holy. Just an opinion. And as such, some might see it as right and some might perceive it as wrong.

Let’s get ready to close a turbulent year that had some pretty heavy energies, pain, some crazy stories.

Let’s promise to ourselves, and keep to it, that we will do better next year.
That we will listen more.
We will try understanding more.
We will be open more.
That we will include more.
Forgive more.
Care more.
That we will show more compassion.
Will open our hearts more.
That we will love more – ourselves and others.

That we will let everyone be.

Merry Everything and a Healthy and Happy Always to You!

Why are we still stuck at it?

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‘Divide and rule’ – this saying is attributed to Philip II of Macedon, who lived 382-336 BC.
Wikipedia explains it as: ‘The use of this technique is meant to empower the sovereign to control subjects, populations, or factions of different interests, who collectively might be able to oppose its rule.’

He, Philip II, for sure, was onto something as this strategy has been used ever since through those more than 2300 years and is widely used nowadays too.

Just a few from the endless list of ideas that are feeding off of this concept:
religionism
conquerism
racism
fascism
sexism
ageism
… and the newest on the list is vaxism.

How sad it is that people do not realise that none of the above is naturally human but all a creation of interest.

How sad it is that people still don’t realise that all, of such strategies are never in their best interest but in those in power.
Those in power who want at least to remain in power but mostly want more power, more money.
Those in power who don’t really care for the crowd.
Those in power who use any and all tools at their disposal to keep driving wedges in between groups of people.
All because they are very well aware of that if once people would wake up/realise their own power that lays in unity, they would not put up with the crap any longer coming from above.
Meaning, they would be thrown out of their power-positions.

Whenever one doesn’t like, doesn’t agree with something, instead of trying to look around, get to collect information from every possible angle, keep being open to discussions, to other kind of life experiences, the vast majority just takes what is fed to them, sees one side of a story or simply settles for the good old excuse, that this is how society says or is.

Come on!
Society means nothing more than a bunch of people.

Regardless, what smaller, larger society you are part of, the most of those forming that society are strangers to you.
And as a matter of fact, none of them have more right about anything than you have!

So, when there is something that you classify as wrong, as injustice and you want to do something to make it right, then all you have to do, is open your mind, your heart and mouth and start speaking your truth.

And all the while keep open to others and their truth.
Be respectful to gain respect.
Ask questions to get answers.
Answer questions you may get.
Never forget that to agree to disagree is a powerful option too!

The sooner people start acting more, along these lines, sooner will come a wider spread understanding and agreement and the sooner those abusing power can be shut up, off and out.

And it starts at a level of two people (family, friends, partners, colleagues, neighbours, …) having a discussion about anything.

Start living by ‘’live and let live!
A concept/phrase that originates back to 1622 and we can thank the Dutch for it.

It is time to realise the power of open, honest communication, of respect, of that different doesn’t make anyone automatically wrong, of that we all by default are different, we are all unique and we all have the same right to live a full and happy life on this Earth.

It’s been too long we played their game.
Let’s claim ours!
Let’s be better, let’s lead with love!

Shall we?!?!

Becoming fully yourself

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Women.
Men.
Roles.
Habits.
You can.
You can’t.
You are allowed to.
You are not allowed to.
You do it and you are praised for it.
You do it and you are told it’s not for you.
You should.
You shouldn’t.
Although you are already doing it some tells you, you are not able to do it.

Like having long hair and liking when someone plays with it; crying; showing emotions; getting flowers; sitting down on the toilet; dancing; working as an auto mechanic; wearing colours; skincare; using purses; brewing beer; using make up; sewing; knitting; enjoying sweet drinks; hugging; enjoying and being good at DIY; being the little spoon; crocheting; boxing; being asked out; manicure, pedicure; being complimented; initiating sex; using hand cream; having a long, pampering bath; using candles; receiving chocolate; staying at home with your child for whatever reason; smoking a cigar; … the list is endless.

When you find yourself being hung up on any of these ideas being exclusively for women or exclusively for men, then I suggest you seriously have some time with yourself and check in what makes you believe what you believe.
Likely you never even thought this through for yourself, just took what your surrounding was telling, projecting, showing, pressuring.
So, it is high time you do the thinking and deciding for yourself.

In case you are someone who’s been affected by any of the statements I listed at the beginning of this post or any other along those lines, and by them found yourself discouraged, talked down on, belittled, hurt, confused, you must learn to ignore any of such statement.
Regardless, who says them.

You are allowed to be you. You are encouraged to live the full version of yourself. Your life is yours to construct.
When it is about you, others only can say their opinions which you already can choose not to listen to, but have no right to deny, forbid or restrict you in your own choices. Unless you consent to it.

There are more and more people in the world who realise that life has as many shapes and form as many of us are walking on Earth.
No two identical version of a human being exists or ever existed.
Find your crowd, find your crazy, choose supporting environments.

Get clear on who and how you want to be, allow yourself to become fully you, claim yourself, claim how you want to feel, create yourself as you want to be.

Learn the art of to live and let live!
Enjoy life

Flow of emotions

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We need to understand the world around us, let it be work, business or private life.
When we don’t, we get frustrated, irritated, puzzled and try to gain understanding as soon as possible.
In best case we ask. Ask for clarification, a different explanation, something we can relate to more.
When not asking then we do the work ourselves. We might do some kind of research by reading up on it or we try to find some answers/sense in ourselves.

Modern art though is something different.
We might, but we don’t need to understand the artist.
In my experience we are allowed and actually encouraged to take our own understanding of it.
A painting, a sculpture, a piece of music or a ballet.

Last week I had the chance to attend a modern ballet performance in a prestigious European Opera house.
Honestly, I had (now I do, read about it afterwards) no idea what the choreographer wanted to say.
All I knew is that an array of emotions was running through me while watching the show, and since!

The thirty some dancers on stage were simply amazing.
At certain scenes I was close to be fully convinced they are not even humans but aliens, as the moves were extraordinary.
Unimaginable for a ‘normal’ human to think it be possible to do.

Through the whole evening emotions were coming. One after the other, the next conflicting the previous one and I didn’t mind it, I didn’t want to stop them coming, nor was I fighting any of it.

And the best part, I believe, is exactly this.
One is allowed to have any and all emotions, one can have their own ‘interpretation’ of the art piece and is nobody’s business.
You can choose to share it, but there is no obligation for it what so ever and need not to ‘defend’ your understanding in case of any different perception from anyone.

When it comes to modern art, what counts is your experience.
Whether it is inspiring, fun, eye opening, even triggering in some ways, it is all enriching you and you must fit no rules, no expectations to take it in in your own ways.

Just as it is with life, with relationships.
Your emotions are yours to feel, they are valid and you owe explanation to no one why you feel and how you feel what you feel.
Your experience, your show, your art, your life.

Illusion – a tool or pure lie

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This I just saw on a social media platform:
‘What makes desirable to be desirable?
From that the woman without sparing money, time and effort, and often even enduring pain, tries to present her advantages in the most tempting way possible and to minimize her disadvantages.
Every single woman has disadvantages, but the man doesn’t have to know about it. Women know how to divert their attention from disadvantages.
Because men are never interested in the truth, it is not what makes them fever, but the illusion of what they see.
However, it is up to the woman, what kind of sight unfolds before them. The smart woman creates the illusion.’

NOOO, this is so fucking wrong on so many levels!

First of all, desirable is not like mathematics where 2+2 always equals 4.
What one considers desirable is a personal preference, meaning that is unique to each and every one of us.

Then why does it talk only about women?
Big mistake to believe men don’t want to be desirable! They do.

Of course, we all want to show our best on a first date or on a special occasion but to build, have and keep a relationship, honesty is a must.
And honesty means that we, women and men alike, admit to our disadvantages too.

Not to mention the fact that it is impossible to upkeep an ‘illusion’ – that I rather call a lie – without fail, all the time, 24/7.
Also, where would the person be in this act of illusion? I mean the authentic, real, raw truth of the person.
I tell you: nowhere! Would be hidden, or worse, not even discovered, acknowledged. It would be a kind of a freak show only.

Plus, it is insulting towards men.
‘Never interested in the truth’?!? How can anyone generalize men like that?
I mean sure, when one is after only a one-night stand, some sexual satisfaction then yes, I buy it, we don’t need the full truth, only the best of each other that makes that night a celebratory fireworks.
But then again, in such a case it would apply both to women AND men!

Worth a note too, men are not dumb, stupid, brainless dicks.
Feel sorry for you if this is the only kind you ever (in family, school, work, relationships, …) experienced.
Men have brain, and they use it too and so, after the initial hunger, they would see through such an ‘illusion’.
When they were after just sex, they likely wouldn’t mind but if they were to look for a relationship then it is also likely that they would get out and look elsewhere.
Obviously, here I am talking about mature men, not hungry boys.

As a final clarification, here is the official definition of the word, illusion:
– an instance of a wrong or misinterpreted perception of a sensory experience
– a deceptive appearance or impression
– a false idea or belief

So please, don’t fall for such shallow ‘wisdom of life’!
It is untrue, simplifying and is hurtful.
Use your brain, rely on your wisdom and be yourself! Fully!

Clearing the fog around Help

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When we are babies we accept help from parents, grandparents, siblings.
Of course, no baby would survive without being fed, sheltered, protected.
Also no one would learn any life skills if adults wouldn’t show, teach, tell them.
It is all natural.

When we grow a bit but are still kids, we go through a stage when we don’t want to take any help, we want to show we can do that thing or another all by ourselves.
We are proud to show off that we can tie our shoelace, or that we can draw, or dress ourselves up.

That stage usually goes parallel with still accepting, even asking for help in other things, that we didn’t learn yet or we are uncertain with them.

Then we get to school and there for sure starts a negative spin … ‘don’t ask for help, you can do it by yourself’, ‘do it alone’, ‘this is not a team project’, ‘don’t help, s/he needs to learn it’.
All with the ‘good’ intention to become your own person, don’t rely on help, don’t bother others.

Once in a work environment, it continues by getting ridiculed (how can you have this job if you don’t know this), not getting a promotion (you are not independent enough), get rejected (it’s not my job to help you) for asking for help.

Unfortunately, in many people all these conditioning get to the point that they grow afraid to ask for help, they get ashamed when they feel they could do with some help.
It will affect one’s all life areas, as the brain won’t separate that asking for help in work is a no go but asking for help in a relationship situation is okay.
And so, another rabbit hole is created, in which one can get lost, can go down so deep that ruins her/his life for years, decades, a lifetime.

To have a healthy, balanced, happy life, we must start by unlearning all the conditioning we were put through in our growing up and young adulthood.

Asking for help, when in need for whatever reason, is okay, is allowed, is the best what one can do.

To meaningfully help someone when they need it, is an amazing feeling.

Help is not something to be forced onto someone or do regardless, as help only really works when is asked for, and is delivered with an honest, no agenda attitude.

Don’t believe otherwise, help is available, help is around you.
Work up the courage and ask for it!
Give yourself the chance to breeze, to let the stress go, to get an outside vantage point from where you see your situation clearly and can find a solution and so move forward to a better, happier, more balanced self and life.

Opinion – clearing some myth

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Mostly everyone is generous in giving, sharing, offering opinions, even pushing theirs onto others, regardless whether asked for it or not.
Often some does it out of a fully convinced self-importance.

An opinion, by definition, is a judgement, a viewpoint, or a statement that is not conclusive.
It is a view or judgement formed about something, not necessarily based on fact or knowledge.

And that is what you always need to keep in mind when getting one on anything, that an opinion is not the universal, unquestionable truth.
Which means, there is no reason for you to get upset when you hear one that you can’t identify with, that you don’t feel to be right for you.

You do have the right and are allowed to have your own opinion, to have different opinion to those shared by the other person, opposing opinion, or even have no opinion at all.
You do have the right and are allowed to accept an opinion, to act on an opinion or to disagree with it, even ignore it completely.
The palette is 360° and it is up to you what you do, how you deal with an opinion.

What you can’t do for the sake of yourself, your self-esteem, your self-confidence, is to let anyone ‘rule’ you with their opinions.
Why?
Because when you let that happen, then basically you allow someone else to ‘lead’ your life.
And that is far from healthy, far from constructive, far from happy and is not sustainable.

Also, for all the above mentioned reasons, when you share your opinion on anything with anyone, just make sure you word it with positive, helping intention, when you say it you are not expecting it to be taken, as well as you are ready to accept a possible counter-opinion.

When the exchange of opinions happens this way than you are on the right path to meaningful conversations.

In my opinion! 🙂

Misconceptions about a word

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From the moment of birth, one’s conditioning starts.
That means that the young adult you become has all that engraved, good, bad, personally suitable or not.

One thing, out of numerous, that is not taught or ‘advertised’ is that because your mum, dad, family is one way, it does not mean you are exactly, or at all, the same as them.
Just because they have a way of seeing the world, understanding events, translating stories, does not mean you must blindly follow.

Yes, we all are influenced by our families, schools, immediate surroundings while growing up.
Yes, mostly we are taught to follow suit.
Yes, adults are, in good cases, teaching, showing the world to the kids by their best knowledge and understanding.
Yes, there are ‘social norms’ that are influencing the majority in the world.
Yes, girls commonly are told not to say no because that is not polite, that might inconvenience the men, the older, the authority.
Yes, boys commonly are told not to say no as that might inconvenience the older, the authority and at the same time also taught not to take no, as an answer if they want to become ‘somebody’.

This system is outdated, rotten and hurting way too many.

No is a valid, legal, necessary word in everyone’s vocabulary.

You must learn how and when to use it, as well as accept it, when you hear it.

Once you are ‘out in the world’, wherever that might be from your late teens onwards – studying a trade, being at a university, already working – you will meet all kinds of people with all kinds of backgrounds and conditioning.
This is the time from when on you can see, experience and understand more of life than what you had in your more closed ‘home’ community.
This is the time from when on you might realise that there are other options that are more liked and suitable for you.
This is the time from when on you have to start realizing that in order to live your life, do your things, follow your dreams, sometimes you will need to say no.

Oh, and as a side note, even if you are older, whatever old, it is never too late to learn to say and accept a no!

For many, it is a life changing phenomenon.

When you realize, you can say no to following in the parents’ footsteps because you see your life going in a different direction.
When you understand it is possible to say no to bosses, to authority.
When you understand it is a must to say no when you feel so, and accept no, in any kind of a sexual situation.
When you understand it is your right to say no to anyone under any circumstances when you feel it to be the right answer for yourself.

Anything you learned, can be unlearned.
Anything you were taught can be revisited, you have the right to keep it with you or can decide to drop it since it does not match you, your values, your worldview.

Life is a forever changing, evolving flow.
So are you.

You have the possibility, the ability and the tools to keep growing, to keep getting better, to keep becoming more you.

And one of such tools is the word ‘no’.
Use it when you feel it necessary.
Use it wisely.

Not knowing – mistake – sin

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One often falls into the trap of assuming.
We assume we understand the same by an expression.
We assume we have the same ideas, limits, borders, ethical standards.

Stop hurting yourself, your partner, your relationships.
Stop assuming!
Hardly anyone is a mind reader so don’t expect your partner to know what you think.
It can get you into misunderstandings, arguments, fights, heartaches and let’s be honest here, most could be avoided only if you were into the habit of talking, asking, discussing, communicating instead of assuming.

Like with sins.
What are those things that are ‘no go-s’ for you?
When does a repeated mistake turns into sin?
What do you consider as a sin?
How far are you willing to push out your borders?

Yes, we are there again that first and foremost you must know yourself in order to be able to share these with your (would be) partner.

Are you okay with someone being late? How late? How often? Under what circumstances?
What do you do about it? Accept it? Fight over it? Break up because of it?
My mum’s solution was, once she realized he was always, without fail, 15 minutes late, that she told him to meet or be wherever they needed to be at 15 minutes earlier than she wanted him there, so like that she basically made him to be punctual … and it worked.
For her that wasn’t a reason to fight. She realized that it was something strangely messed up in his ‘system’ and she found a solution that worked for the both of them.
It never was an issue ever again.

Of course, this is a smaller example.
There are more serious ones to be considered.

Like lies.
Can you live with lies?
Are you okay with white lies?
Do you have the same understanding what white lies are?
Are secrets considered as lies?

How about cheating?
Is looking/smiling at another wo/man is already cheating?
Is having a steamy conversation counts as it?
Or is it all acceptable until it gets physical?
Or unless there are feelings involved, you can look passed it?

Where are your borders?
What are those lines within which it all needs to be kept at?

No, it is not obvious.
No, it is not self-explanatory.
No, it is not the same for everyone.
People do have different understandings, limits, frames within which feel safe and comfortable.

Two (or however many) people work well together when both (all) realize that there is no way to be discussing every possible scenario before a relationship forms.
When both are willing to share their yeses and no-s ongoingly.
When both give leeway to possible errors.
When both are willing and ready to listen, and course correct.
When both have their borders and are respecting the other’s.

So once again it boils down to self-knowledge and ongoing honest communication as every and all aspects of a relationship needs to be talked about, discussed, agreed on if you want a well working, balanced, happy union.