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Ins and outs of a breakup

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In my video on YouTube last week, I was talking about breakups, about the actual way of how to do it ‘well’.
That is one (crucial) part of the whole process.
Obviously, there is, as with everything, more to it.

Like there are people who always break up just before the relationship would get to the next level, to get to a serious, long term commitment.
In general, those people prefer easy, loose, light connections, are not ready to or are, for whatever reason, afraid to commit.

Of course, nothing is wrong with any kind of a preference.
Only is most beneficial to clarify the intensions quite early in the process of getting to know one another.

If it is being afraid of commitment and is realised by the person her/himself, then it can be worked on, then professional help (coach, psychologist) can be the guide through a faster healing process.

When two people get together who both prefer a light, fun, easy connection then all is perfect, green light for keep going.

But when one is after a more serious, a more committed, more ‘let’s build a life together’ kind and the other is not, then is best to not even pursue any further that road together.
Don’t get into a relationship thinking ‘oh, doesn’t matter what s/he thinks, I will change that’.
NO.
You won’t.
Or sometimes you will, on the surface but the person will be suffering beneath it.

Any and all lasting change start from within. Not by an outside force.

Meaning that if one gets to a realization that they want to change, they will initiate it.
When it is an outside force then the options are of strong resistance or a not heartfelt ‘I’ll  give it a try’ that won’t lead anywhere, or of eventually giving in but that will not last (maybe only till the break up).

Another crazy tendency I want to mention is after the break up saying all the ugly things about the ex.
Yes, I know, sometimes really nasty things happen but still!
Think about it, it was you who spent x amount of time with that person, it was you who decided to get into a relationship with that person, it was you who was in a relationship with that person.

Sure, with time you might have realized the person was not 100% legit, not completely who they said they were or the opposite, you didn’t believe they are as they said they were.
Still, you should not make the mistake of throwing mud at your ex … it does get you muddy too!

After a breakup you want to vent to your best friend. Fine. Do it.
What ever you need to do (get drunk, cry, indulge in food, say things out loud, … ), do it but do it in private!
Never get yourself into the unpleasant situation that people get to ask you ‘if the person is really so, then why at all were you in a relationship with her/him?’

True, we do get disappointed, we might misread someone, we might find out certain characteristics sometimes at a later stage in a relationship, this all can happen.
One major difference is how do we handle it.
Hating won’t help you, but learning from it will benefit you greatly.

So about a breakup is not only the actual breaking up that we can do better but also the recognizing early of what might lead to it so we can deal with the thing on hand way better.
Plus we can clean up our act on how do we deal with the aftermath of it.

It is kind of unavoidable for breakups to come about, but it is up to us whether we keep marching on pointing only at others for what happened to us, or we are taking it as a learning opportunity and try our best to be and do better from then on for our own sake.

An often hidden ‘ghost’

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Have you ever heard the expression ‘trauma response’?
It is mostly used for the emotional response to some terrible events, like an accident, rape or natural disaster.

On a seemingly lighter level, agreeing to things just to keep the peace, is actually also a trauma response that becomes part of life of a relationship dependent person.

It originates mostly from childhood, when for the parents, family members to not to have a go at the kid for whatever reason, s/he learns that the easiest way out is to agree – even though s/he doesn’t feel it, think it so – to whatever the adult is saying, so peace can be had.

On top of that when a person is relationship dependent, is often times a response to experiencing the mostly non-recognised trauma of repeatedly being told, and so conditioned to, that ‘you are nothing’, ‘you never going to make it by yourself’, ‘you never will be able to make a life for yourself’, ‘you can’t stand on your own feet’, ‘you are unviable’ and so on.

As a result, this person can only imagine their adult life within a relationship, where they are under the impression that with the other person by their side now they are someone, now they are able to have a life, to survive, be secure, to live.
And so to upkeep the relationship they agree to everything their partner wants, in the hope that it will make it last.

Usually, this person has no personal boundaries or if they do then continuously disrespect those for the sake of ‘peace’.

Being relationship dependent by all means blocks the way to become and live as a self-confident, independent, secure, stable person, prevents or at least interferes with the person’s growth, of achieving their highest potential, of living their own life on their own terms.

Being relationship dependent is only a way of existing and not a way of living.

When one realises this trap and builds the courage to decide to get out of such scenario, for most, coaching can switch on the light at the end of the tunnel and be the necessary help to be able to take that journey to a brighter, more healthy way of life.

When you recognise yourself in the above written, I wish you all the strength to rise up, get some help and rewrite the rest of your life story on a personally more satisfying, free, (self)loving way.

Contemplation on breakups

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We all experience it in our lives. Some of us more than once.
Sometimes it gets brutal, sometimes smooth, some foreseeable, some completely unexpected.
Whether it happens after 6 weeks, 6 month or 6 years, however way it happens, someone will get hurt in it.

As with everything in life, here also are two sides to the story.
One is to be the one initiating the breakup, the other is to be broken up with.

Being broken up with unexpectedly, without a relatable explanation, I believe is the most difficult one of the possible combinations.
Comes as a shock and leaves you alone to deal with it without a handrail by which you could start to dig yourself out of the hole.

Okay, when the other just disappears into thin air without as much as one single word, that is worse.
That is a class act ‘jerk-ism’.

Breakups are inevitable parts of our lives. Sometimes we will be on this, and sometimes on the other side of the slash. If not in an intimate relationship (some are lucky to find their true partner for the first) then in a friendship, in family relations or in business partnership.
The question is not if we going to experience it but when and how.

To do good by one’s Karma, to be a decent human being, you might want to consider the followings.
Although all breakups are unique as are the relationships, there are some ‘rules’ that can be applied in most situations.
Of course in case of any toxic crap going on, there isn’t much to consider, just get out of and far from it ASAP.
In any other case, first think, weigh the heaviness of the issue, communicate, look for ways to mend what is mendable.
There is no such thing as instant perfect. Perfect needs work. It needs time, willingness, open and honest communication, care and love.

When all above proves to be futile then it is time to breakup.
Face to face in person, not in public, keep it civilised, save the scene/crazy drama, say/listen what is to be said, hold it together and then walk away.

Once it is done, talk with someone you trust (friend, family), allow all emotions to go through you, don’t block any of it. When the shock/pain subsides realize it happened for a reason, it showed your incompatibility and so you both are better off on your separate ways.
Now it is time to take care of yourself. The longer you were in that relationship the more likely you need to figure yourself out again, to ‘upgrade’ your identity, to get back to your authentic self.
Enjoy the you-time. Do not hurry yourself.
Don’t force yourself out to the dating scene before digesting the learning of that relationship and breakup, before healing completely.

You only can receive and give well when you are stable, in balance and open.
Connection and love are beautiful. You deserve the best of it.
Never give up!
Just know: the best is yet to come.

Fallen angels – a ‘what if’ concept

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In a recent discussion where we were talking about life, relationships, sex, music, he showed me a song.
In its lyrics fallen angels were mentioned … that started some thoughts in me …

What if we – people –  were all fallen angels?
What if we really all are children of God?
What if life, as we call it here on Earth, is a process we are sent to go through to learn?
What if Earth is the school of Heaven?
What if we all really are coming from and going to the same place?
What if soul is real and is eternal?
What if our soul is our angelic being?

For many of you, I guess, it sounds crazy but bare with me a bit longer, please.

Angels do not have a hierarchy, have no race, no colour, no religion, no possessions.
All they have, all they are, is love.
They see each other as same.

So, if it was the truth, we were all fallen (to Earth) angels, would that help you to see yourself and others in a different light?
Would that help you to understand that you are no less, no more than the next person?
Would this make it a bit lighter to deal with jerks around you because then they are only playing a role in your life so you can complete your learning?
Would that help you to deal with death a little easier, since if this scenario is the truth, then it means one goes when the task, the learning is done, and the soul is getting back into its angelic being?

Yes, I know, a lot of ‘but-s’ are coming … my only ‘but’ though, is that if this is helping you in any way to get onto better terms with yourself, to make it even a tad bit easier to get that grip on life, to see love as a never ending source in you, then might as well you can take it and use it.

What if we all are fallen angels with a mission, with some dark and some light in all of us and what if denying any of this means denying our true nature?

 

Celebrating another ‘day’

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… so today is International Women’s day, today women young and old are celebrated in the most part of the world …
Those women who on other days get mum-shamed, body shamed, abused verbally, mentally, physically, raped and then pointed finger at and said she asked for it … and so on.

There are other ‘precious’ days in the calendar too, like Valentine’s Day when lovers show their love to their partner through gifts and gestures and the day before and after keep cheating on them, keep degrading them, don’t appreciate them.

Or there is Father’s Day when those men get elevated onto a pedestal for their amazing fatherness. Only the day before and after they get ignored, criticised for how they hold their own child, get told off that they are the worst why they allow/accept this or that for/in their children.

And the list could go on but you get the idea.

We have plenty of celebrations, special days written in the calendar and to comply with societal expectations we do our best to show we do know those days, we do what is expected.
Just have a look at any of the social media sites. All are there and showing (off) their feelings and gifts.

By now I am sure you sense it, I am not the biggest fan of such ‘special days’.
In my world if you are in love then you love every day, if you have a mother/father and you think they are the best then you feel like that all year round, if you appreciate and respect women then you do that all day and every day … and if you are not then don’t be a joke to ‘play nice’ for that one day for the ‘colleagues/neighbours to see’.

As for me, I feel it sickening and hypocritical when I see all the dirt, nastiness, attacks, criticism flowing like an endless river only being (kind of) stopped for one day in the year to celebrate certain groups of people.
In my ideal world we would all be caring, loving and allowing.
We would stop constantly looking over the fence into other’s gardens and give them unsolicited advice, opinion.
Rather, we would look around way more in our own world, keep looking into our own mirror to keep working on getting a nicer, better reflection.

Just stop complying with those, often only imagined, societal expectations.
Be the genuine, authentic, kind and caring person who you really are (or aspiring to be) all year round, regardless of the special title of the day.

Celebrate if you want to and know that you don’t have to!

About ‘it’

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Although countless invisible it is around us, one took over the world by having the largest press cover, major PR and full-blown marketing.

What it brings in its tow it is even more disturbing.
Because what this thing really is or is about, is with a high chance we will never fully find out but for sure, a point in time will come when it will be gone.
What it has brought, more than its it-ness will stay with us unfortunately way longer.

With its widespread and crafted publicity it managed to drive a huge wedge between people.
They started labelling one another like ‘believers’ and ‘deniers’.

Open any social media, start any conversation, be anywhere, connect to anyone and in about 2 minutes it will be the subject and arguments will start.
Often fierce ones and many times in a petty manner.
It will be about if it is real or not, if it is deadly or not, whether to wear a mask or not, if quarantine is a good solution or not …
… while people don’t seem to realize that they got forced out of their own lives, got pulled into a nasty ‘soap opera’ where they pretend that the world can be stopped.
It can’t. It won’t. Earth is spinning and life goes on. Regardless.

It got so loud that it shouts louder than many facts, like
– domestic violence cases are growing in numbers fast
– health care systems are falling apart and people are dying of fully unrelated illnesses
– millions lost their jobs, businesses
– education got messed up and at many cases stopped
– mental health issues are at an alarming high … and the list goes on.

In the meantime due to the sweeping it campaign people got blindsided and are not realizing that their choices, dignity, freedom, life got taken away from them.

Pointing fingers at, arguing with, accusing another person will not help your scarily well planted fears.
Will not make you feel better, lighter but actually the exact opposite.

What I believe in, is that now we really need to be there for one another.
Compassion, caring and love are the tools we need to use.

Although the surface is nothing but it, below it life keeps giving challenges to each and every one of us.
There are physical and material losses, heartbreaks, pains as well as are amazing, happy moments, new beginnings.
Life did not stop. It is in progress, it is happening, it is not waiting for anyone, for anything.

Before you fall into the next bitter argument about it, think!
It is fact and it is a universal law that the more we talk, think of, entertain any idea, thought or story, the more present it will be in our lives.
So although it is a huge, dark cloud above us all, just make the effort to feel better, to do better, to be better.

Don’t be the virus but be the cure!

Labels versus Self

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The Internet in general, even more so all forms of social media, unsolicitedly floods people with any and all kind of ‘content’ and make looking up, finding information on anything into a matter of a few clicks.
Basically, whatever you are interested in you will find one opinion/explanation and the 180 degree opposite of it, plus anything in between in a matter of seconds.
To safely navigate all that, one needs to have self-knowledge and be self-confident, intelligent, educated, open minded, curious, understanding and allowing … at least, so it is easy to see why so rapidly numbers are rising of those in despair.

Lately I find, the biggest harm is caused by all those never trained, never studied, no responsibility, let me share my own two cents as it was the Holy Grail kind of ‘influencers’, ‘celebrities’, ‘YouTubers’, ‘Tik-Tokers’ and so on. Many of them hardly over the legal age.

The other day a friend called me and said: ‘I just saw a Tik-Tok video and from it I learned I am demisexual so I am not normal’. ‘What the heck?’ was my reaction, I blew up.
Thankfully, my friend shared it as a kind of an amusement, she is intelligent and whatever shit/label won’t change her view of herself but really, what the crap is going on?!?!?

‘That is not normal’ … ‘this is unhealthy’ … ‘you should do this’ … ‘you have to feel that way’ … all this and many more gets declared continuously by above mentioned type of people. And sadly, many fall into those traps.

No, the Holy Grail is not in my hands, no, I am not the one to know it best either but I am old enough, learned enough, seen enough and confident enough to say, in most cases there is not one ‘true’ way to be, to do.
And when it comes to sexuality and sex then I absolutely know and preach that no one has the right to tell you who you are, how you are, what is best for you!
You describe yourself as you want to, do whatever feels good to you!
As long as you are not hurting anyone, as long as you do it with consenting adult partner/s, everyone else needs to simply shut up and mind their own business.

Labels, such as demisexual, asexual, graysexual, allosexual and all others are surely useful from some research and medical point of view but in everyday life these are mostly only have the effect to divide people, to beat a wedge between them.

Have or don’t sex, be soft or rough or keep mixing it, use or don’t any sex toys, do it with one or more gender, be adventurous or a safe player in it … whatever you do, you need to be wanting it, be happy with it, enjoying it!
What you don’t need is anyone else’s approval, allowing or labelling.

Label yourself if you want to but never take any of that shit from any other person but you.

The controversy about Time

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How many times you heard ‘you have time’ or ‘take your time’ and I am sure you also heard what Buddha said: ‘The biggest mistake is you think you have time’.

Personally, I do believe that one of the biggest mistakes people make in life is to sit back and believe the mirage that one has time.

How often you are like ‘I can do that later’, ‘maybe some other time’, ‘will call/talk/do/meet/see later’ … but then you realize, the opportunity is gone, that place got closed down, the person is gone …
Acknowledged it, let it slip by, didn’t even take notice of it, took it for granted … and that makes you part of the vast majority of humans who don’t realize the seriousness of time till something unchangeable, something (usually) tragic won’t happen to you.

You heard it and done it all, I guess.

Also, I am sure you heard the solution too. Here I am just reminding you of it. It is no witchery, it is kinda simple.
In fact, though we people divide time into 3 parts – past, present, future – you only need to concentrate on your relationship to present.
That is what matters.
That is the what matters only.

The past is gone, can’t change it, the future is not here yet, can’t know it.

Unless you understand this already, unless you seize it already, I encourage you to heal this relationship first, before any other relationships.
Once you become friends, you accepted time’s predictable passing and realized what now really means, your life will get in the flow, you’ll arrive to now and from there on will live all your life in the now and will appreciate it and make the most of it.

Shakespeare summed it up beautifully by writing: ‘time is very slow for those who want, very fast for those who are scared, very long for those who are sad and very short for those who celebrate but for those who love, it is eternal’.

Time is a reliable part of life. It is always there, always the same, never judges, never makes exceptions.
It is you, the individual, who makes friends with it or who treats it as enemy.
It is all in your head, in your thoughts, in your feelings.
And this is great news because unless you and time are already best of friends, all is in your power to change this relationship for the better!

Enjoy your time!

Circle of hate

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Seriously? In the XXI. century we are still here?
Although we are able to send people into space, we can print out literally anything in 3D, we can contact one another across the Globe by the touch of a button … we are still here that because you can’t face your chickenshit life and have no strength to better yourself you turn onto others and spit hate? Really???

White hates coloured. Coloured hates white.
Straight hates gay. Gay hates straight.
Religious hates atheists. Atheist hates religious.
Vegan hates meat eater. Meat eater hates vegan.
Slim hates fat. Fat hates slim.
Graduate hates uneducated. Uneducated hates graduate.

This list is fucking endless!!!

Each and every one of us can be ugly-spoken about, bullied, hated by someone else. We all can be the subject of it.
Do you see the pattern? You hate someone, someone hates you … and so it goes still the last man standing.

OR you can decide to break the circle and stop hating, bullying, ugly-speaking.

Think about it: does this crap brings you anything constructive, good, nice?
Are you any more rich, beautiful, happy, healthy, any more of a better person? Does your sex life, relationship gets any better from it?
Does it bring you ANYTHING?
For once, be honest with yourself: the answer is an absolute NO.

It only takes away from you. Your energy, focus, peace.

So why are you still participating in this fucked up, no win, mostly media/politics generated ‘game’ that does not benefit you in any way?

You were not born with hate in you and this is a proven fact.
You learnt it somewhere along the line and that means you can unlearn it, drop it, close it out of your life.
It only takes one decision to break the circle off.

And then you’ll have more energy, time, attention that you can turn toward anything that does bring you happiness, satisfaction, riches, health, peace.

Be selfish!
Think of what profits you!

It is simple! Just don’t fall for the ‘game’ they are trying to pull you into! There is no benefit in it for you! There is no gain in it for the individual, only politics and sharks profit from it.

Realize that on this planet there are plants, animals and people, and all three types of beings have plenty of variations.
That’s it.
No less.
No more.

Just be! Enjoy life, have fun, make the most of it!
Love!

Where is the love?

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Woman, man, young, old, coloured, white, straight, gay, thin, fat, religious, atheist, short, tall … one thing is mutual, all are member of the one human race and all share the one Earth.

Wherever you are at, whatever you have achieved, fighting at, whomever you love, it is all your business, nobody else’s!
You might share it, talk about it, you might keep it all to yourself but nobody has the right to put you down, belittle, bully, criticize, judge or punish you for it.

Throughout history oh so many well-known figures were trying to get the point across that saying negative things about someone else does not make you any better, to hate anything or anyone will not bring you love, to deny different point of views will not make yours true nor right!

Nowadays when news and fake news travel with light speed, we have to be even more aware of all those warnings.

Nowadays when politicians, corporations and media are only after money and power and for that they are not shy of spreading straight, fat lies to heat up hatred among whomever benefits them the most, we, the people, the individual, have to be more open, inclusive, compassionate and we have to understand finally that love is the only valid emotion that can move us forward and break walls down.

All the negativity in and around us just helps those who are using the world as if everything and everyone was their puppet.

And if we don’t do our share now, they will win and that my friend would be a very sad and soon to come end to this world!

Don’t give in!
You are better than that! You know better than that!

Don’t put anyone down just because you don’t like what they do, they might not like what you do.

Don’t belittle anyone because that can be the last straw for one to be pushed over the edge.

Don’t bully just because someone else is doing it too but make it stop.

Don’t criticize because that hurts and when you will get criticized you will hurt too.

Don’t judge because you hate to be judged too.

Don’t hate because … because why would you??? Brings nothing worthy nor valuable to you.

And most of all, don’t wait for the big guys to do anything for you.
No politician, no government will look out for your best interest. (Yes, there are a very few who try to change things for the better on that level too but presently they are just a handful of Don Quijotes against plenty gigantic windmills.)
They, in general, don’t give a shit about you!

This is why they send you to wars to fight for their interest while they keep enjoying luxury.

This is why they deny, forbid resources from you to make you use things that bring them more money.

This is why they tell you who to hate, so your hate helps them to gain more power and money.

This is why they fabricate the news so you are played with as it pleases them.

Wake up!
Use your brain!

Research, talk, ask, exchange, communicate with people from all walks of life.
Broaden your horizon.

Have your own opinion, don’t just pick up some that was spitted at you.

Actually, it is really simple: the more informed, educated, positive you become, the more you see the whole, big picture, the more chance we all have for a peaceful, united, healthy, happy world!

Just let love rule!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YsRMoWYGLNA