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Wanting your ex back

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‘How do I get my ex back?’ – a friend asked me, and that question led to a long conversation and to some beautiful healings for them.

That experience made me think more about this phenomenon.
Here is what I am wondering: what makes you want your ex back?
I mean you just broke up a few weeks, a few months ago.
What changed?
What makes you think this time it would be different?
What makes it worthwhile for you and for your ex to give it another go?

Surely there were reasons for breaking up.
You weighed the pros and cons and then made a decision.
You parted, and you both on your own way started to process what happened and depending, maybe even started to heal too.
And now you want to get back together!?

Were you the sole reason of the breakup?
Were you the one who was broken-up with?
Have you understood and agree to all the shortcomings your ex listed as reasons for the break-up?
In this short time did you realize it was all spot on about you and so you dived in and sorted out, changed, healed it all?
Also, while at it, it became clear to you that s/he is exactly whom and how you wish your partner to be?
In this short time did you manage to do all that?

If it is so, then what was holding you back from doing any of it while in the relationship?

When it was you breaking up with your partner, then what changed in you that you want to start again?
What makes you believe that your partner was willing to do the work, and has done all of it to sort themselves out and would want to be back together again?

When the breakup happened upon mutual agreement then the questions are the combination of the above.

At any time, the idea of a re-start occurs to you, before doing anything else, think about your motives.
What makes you wanting that relationship back?
Is it comfort?
Routine?
You feeling lonely at the moment?
Not wanting to start from zero with someone else?
Resignation?
Lack of self-confidence, that you won’t find better, so might as well settle?
Dreading the idea that they might be much better off with someone else?
Jealousy?
Some sick revenge?
Realized you screwed up and made a hasty decision and now you want to correct that?

What is it really, that makes you consider going ‘backwards’?

Be honest with yourself!
Might be painful, might be uncomfortable but by all means, with that you are doing the best to yourself.
Life is a forward motion, moving backwards serves you rarely.

P.S.
Always keep in mind that you wanting your ex back does not mean your ex wants you back too.
And you must accept and respect that!

Partners or/and parents

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A couple of days ago I attended a business get together.
The initial aim was networking and helping each other forward.
After some who is who, the discussions soon turned away from the original subjects and became one about relationships, more precisely about whether it is possible to keep a partnership alive and thriving when having kids or a drifting away, even divorce is inevitable.

The whole change of subject started by the introduction of one of the ladies, when she said she is just about reinventing herself, starting a small business all by herself after being married for 28 years and divorced for 1.
The kids grew up, she explained, flew out of the nest and she and her husband realized they had not much left in between them apart from living under the same roof as two somewhat distanced friends.
Also, she found herself ‘useless’, not knowing what to do with herself, as for the last 25 years of her marriage, her life was the family, was the raising of the kids.
Hence now the reinvention of herself.

Hmmm, the infamous ‘empty nest’ syndrome.

Unfortunately, many parents fall into the ‘trap’ of functioning almost exclusively as a parent from the time a child is born.

Naturally, a mother/father loves their seedling and wants to do everything for their well-being, but when it becomes exclusive and the relationship between the adults is not nurtured but everything revolves around the child – eat only what the child loves, adjust everything around the kid, family programs are dictated by the child’s interest, and so on – then it’s no wonder that the relationship is flattening out.

Instead of ‘fitting’ the child into the life of the parents, they change their life around nearly completely to accommodate every vibe of the child.

Of course, a child, regardless of age, will always remain a child to the parents, but it is important to note that in a healthy line-up the moment comes when the child begins to live their own life, starts to ‘peel off’ of the parents, gets onto their own path.
So, the child is a ‘transitional state’ in a long term relationship, and the relationship itself is the permanent element.

When it is not recognized and the focus fades off of the relationship of the parents, when their conversations become all about the kid(s), when they often are tired for each other, when intimacy and sex become a distant memory, when the ‘just the two of us’ times cease to exist, this is when the partnership starts to corrode.
Because a relationship does not deteriorate after x years, but steadily declines, flattens and at a certain point it gets realized that it is ‘broken’.

To avoid the melting away of a once loving relationship, it is essential that it is continuously nurtured, revitalized, worked on, so that it remains balanced, happy, and lasting.

Not to mention that the child also develops better, feels happier, gets more open to the world among balanced, happy parents, so it is important not only for mum and dad but also for the child that parents have time for themselves and each other.

It does not have to be anything super complicated.
Once a week, at least once every two weeks, take time, a few hours, for yourselves!
An only the two of you evening with a dinner out, a cinema, a theatre, a couple of drinks with friends, or staying in while the kid(s) are with the grandparents and enjoy a lazy, cuddling time, some form of intimacy, sex, a conversation when your full attention is on each other, anything that is about the two of you, that makes you connect with each other can work wonders in maintaining, reinforcing, keeping your relationship alive and happy.

Also, some time for yourself is also essential.
Everyone must find time to keep their body and soul in harmony.
Recharging, realigning means something different to everyone, it can be anything from a long bath to a good book, a lonely walk, some sport, hobby, anything, where the need to get/keep yourself in your best form, whatever that may mean to you, gets served.
Remember, you can give the best and most of yourself, when you are well, when you feel good in your own skin, when you are well both mentally and physically.

And yes, I hear the choir ‘but time’ and ‘but this’ and ‘but that’.

Against all outdated, nasty, downright stupid ‘societal’ and ‘Internet wise’ traditions, rules or whatnot, healthy selfishness is mandatory and can be learned!

One cannot afford to become a negligible, last in the line aspect.
It only hurts yourself and through this hurts your family.
Pretty counterproductive, right!?!

In any happy, balanced, healthy relationship it is true that you get as much time, care, love from the other person, as much you put in.
So think this over and adjust your priorities if you feel the need to do so.
It’s never too late to get, feel, live better!

Living in the now

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What do we all have for sure?
The moment we are in.

I know!
You heard it a million times already; but have you ever given a real thought to it?
And I don’t mean any spiritual, superstitious, metaphysical way but the very real, very human, very down to earth way.

Like, let’s say, you are in a relationship, you had a disagreement/argument two days ago. You did not talk it out, you did not talk it through, you did not express what and why was hurtful, unpleasant to you.
Today, now, something triggered something in you, and it brings up that unsolved issue  from two days ago.
So now you bitterly attack your partner, though what happening now is a tiny thing and under normal circumstances you might would not even notice it.
But because of that undiscussed/ unresolved something from the past (2 days, 3 months, 9 years ago) you are actively screwing up your present with something, that is not even directly related.

This is true for any kind of situations, in every kind of a relationship.

Like, at work your colleague asks you to help her/him with a task, you say yes and end up doing it all by yourself on top of your own tasks.
Do you say something then and there or are you letting it boil within you and next time or the one after that, you simply blow up as that last little thing in the now is making it all overflow?

Or you are doing something nice to someone (a favour, a gesture, some kind of a help) and the other person is not acknowledging it at all.
Do you say something right in that situation or you let the bitterness of non-appreciation build in you?
Next time in a similar situation, do you say something? Would you be pointing back to what happened earlier and with your grown bad feelings react probably way stronger than the present situation would call for, or simply just get mad and throw it all at them?

Surely you know what I am talking about, you must have had at least a few occasions when something similar happened, when you let earlier events affect the now.
The last drop effect – how many times did you say: it’s enough, it was the last drop!

The universal truth is, we can’t go back in time to alter any situation, to sort any shit out then and there, because all we have, is the NOW.

This leaves you with two options:
the easiest and most harmful is to keep fucking up this, and all the coming nows with any unattended crap from the past. Choosing this guarantees that you rob yourself from more happy, balanced, peaceful times.
The other option is that you decide and do draw a line now, start working on yourself to be able to let the past go as you understand that you have no way to change it, and while doing so, you consciously stay in the NOW as much as you can and stop collecting further issues that you grow into more unresolved matters with what you keep screwing things up.

When you choose the second option, soon you will realise your relationships getting smoother, your self-confidence rising, your communication clearing up, you experiencing more positive feelings as you will not chew on old hurts and you will see, recognise more bright, happy things in your surroundings.

The benefits of being and staying in the NOW, I believe, worth all the self-cleaning work, all the letting go.
Choose wisely.

Love languages

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The other night I was at a dinner party with friends and friends of my friends. It was a great evening with tasty food, lovely company, and nice conversations.

At one point in the evening one of the friends of a friend started to tell about their recent break-up.
They went on saying that how they thought it was going well, how they gave all they could and when it turned out to be not enough and ended in a break-up how upset and confused, they felt. And keep feeling still.
As I just met that person for the first time on that evening, I had hardly any knowledge about them, let alone the relationship they were grieving.
So while listening to them and to the reactions of their friends (which I must say here, was the usual, meant to be supportive ‘you were right-they were wrong, they didn’t deserve you, better will come along, you are better off without them’ and others along this line) my mind wandered off somewhat, and I started to contemplate on what could have been the cause of that seemingly unexpected break-up.

One thing that crossed my mind, were the love languages and so I decided to write about those.
Dr. Gary Chapman wrote a book, The 5 Love Languages, in which he outlines 5 ways how people want to be loved.
He calls them the love languages, which are:
– word of affirmation: feels loved when hear or read words of affection, kind words, encouragement, love notes, cute, sweet messages, compliments.
– quality time: being loved to them means their partner is present, giving them focused undivided attention, really are listened to. Wants quality over quantity.
– physical touch: understands being loved through physical affection. Sex of course and holding hands on a walk or in the cinema, a touch on their body when passing them in the house, a massage, cuddling, … they want to be close to their partner physically.
– act of service: feel loved by their partner doing nice things for them. Like helping to prepare a meal, running some errands, giving a hand in finishing a project, whatever that may be, it has to come without being asked for.
– receiving gifts: for those with this love language, it is not about materialism, as it can be as little as their favourite chocolate bar. They feel loved as they understand the time and effort being put into picking a gift for them specifically, showing that their partner knows them, cares for them. Also, they need gifts frequently not only on the ‘major holidays’.

Okay, so why the love languages came into my mind on that evening?
Because I often see that partners do not understand the needs of their significant other.
They simply do not talk about what love means to them, how they would like it to be expressed towards them.
Many times, relationships remind me of a gigantic puzzle game, where both parties are holding certain pieces and they are trying to work out how their own puzzle pieces can be put together with their partner’s. Although they never even clarified whether they hold pieces for the same game!

Rather than clearing the table by having conversations where both would explain their own ‘instruction manual’.
Of course, that would suppose that they know themselves!

You see, when my love language is physical touch and I will keep receiving smaller bigger gifts all the time, although I will be grateful for those gifts, I won’t be perfectly happy.
When we had some talks where I expressed that, and my partner would say he understood but there would be no changes in his actions, I probably would call it quits after some time.

When one’s primary love language is not met, one will get frustrated and likely will not see other, well working things in the relationship to be enough to stay for and keep on going.

Or if s/he stays, it’s quite sure that some dissatisfaction, frustration will continuously be lingering over.

Also, because in a relationship it is pretty rare that both/all partners have the same love language, and we often make the ‘mistake’ of that we give what we want to receive, unnecessary challenges are for sure to be faced.

Certainly, there are ways to save the day, I mean the relationship, of course.

Oh gosh! Am I boring or what?
Solution, again, is knowing oneself and an ongoing, open, honest communication between partners.

So, I don’t know, but maybe the reason of that unexpected break-up was, that the partner’s primary love language wasn’t satisfied and although this friend was putting in all they had, it was not what it was needed.

To dream or not to dream

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Have you ever heard, read, been told any of these ‘motivational’ phrases:
‘Never give up’
‘Keep on going’
‘If you can dream it, you can become it’
‘You just need to be determined and you’ll get there’ … and the alike?

Sure you have.
And you did/do, till comes a day when you find yourself tired, confused, disheartened.

For years, for decades you had a dream, you were determined, you kept on going, you didn’t give up … and you didn’t make it.

Whatever that dream of yours is, a loving relationship, your own business, writing a book, making a living out of your creativity, whatever, this disappointment can happen, it does happen, and no, you are not alone experiencing this.

Also, ‘it’ not happening (yet) does not equal to anything being wrong with you.

What it means is that there are many other things you are occupied with.
It means you have a job, you are taking care of family, it means life keeps on happening and you just don’t find the time, the energy, the finances to push your dream towards reality.
You know, circumstances.
If this is the case, you need to understand that there always be circumstances that will not seem perfect for going after your dreams.

Just want you to be clear with this so you can maybe rethink your stand and check and change your priorities so you may start to push your dreams higher and higher up on your ‘to do list’, till you get to it and start bringing it alive.

On the other hand, if your dream didn’t happen yet due to you not believing in yourself, you doubting your own talent, you questioning your own worth, then it is high time you give yourself the chance by starting to work on yourself.
All these are blocks you developed, stories you are telling to yourself.

And blocks can be dissolved and stories can be changed.

For a business, writing, turning your creativity into a stream of income, for all, there are questions you would need to ask yourself and would need to be honest with your answers.
Often it is way more difficult to accomplish than as it sounds, and when this situation occurs an advisor/teacher/coach could help you the most to get on the road and finally start moving forward achieving your dreams.

Like, if it is about a loving relationship and you came to me to work for that dream of yours, I’d ask questions, like ‘how do you think of yourself’, ‘how do you see yourself’, ‘how open you think you are’, ‘how wide and high your defence walls are’ and so on.
And I wouldn’t let you stay with your routine answers that you kept giving yourself and others, as obviously those kept you where you are, not reaching your dreams.

So yes, bringing one’s dreams into reality requires work, commitment, patience, and self-knowledge among some other factors.

It’s up to you to have or not to have dreams but when you do, I believe it is best to try to make them reality even if you don’t succeed, than never even try to achieve them.

Regret, the ‘what would have been if’ is one of the worst, least interpretable feelings one can have.
Reduce your possible reasons for it.

Winning, losing or just loving

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In any kind of a relationship, intimate, family, business – in any – there are times when waters get more stormy than usual.
It is natural. It is human nature. It is hormones. It is stress. It is worry. It is triggers. It is outside circumstances. It is misunderstanding. It is whatever.

It does happen that people have different opinions, emotional/financial interests, moods, or anything that is not a match, not in alignment at a given moment.
The involved parties share their point of view through which it becomes obvious that they are at opposing ends of a stick.
Now what?

There are numerous options.

They might agree to disagree, and they move on with their day.

They might start a conversation, both explaining their stand and are trying to convince the other of their view being the right one.
That also can lead to different outcomes, like one realizing that the other is right and so changes her/his opinion, or that both alter somewhat of their original and meet somewhere in a middle in agreement, or after the discussion they agree on disagreeing.

They might ask a third party to be a moderator in the situation and help them to understand each other.

These all are viable, good solutions.

When one, after stating their standpoint is not ready/willing/able to discuss, that is a more difficult scenario for to reach an understanding, agreement, a mutually agreeable direction to move on, becomes very hard, if not impossible.
In such case, some form of an impartial outside help is the best way to move forward with.

As situations are different, as people are different, as attitudes are different, as styles are different, all the above can be conducted in different manners.
It all can be a quiet chat, a discussion, a heated argument, a loud exchange of opinions, it all can be on different noise levels, it can happen with different amount of gesticulation.

At the end it can come to a closure with an OK from the parties, with a handshake, a smile, a cuddle, …

But that’s it!

No verbal violence, no fight, no war on any level, will move you forward in a productive, helpful, healthy way.
None of such is a way towards solution for kind, caring, intelligent people.

These will hurt both parties, will cause a painful aftermath, will make moving forward way more difficult, will make reconciliation a much longer, if possible at all, process.
Whatever disagreement one may have on any level in any kind of a relationship, aggression, deliberate hurting, war, is no option, no solution.

We all are people, we all have better and not so good days, we all can be caught up in our own crap and that is normal.
At the same time, we all are capable of kind, generous, understanding and allowing ways of communication and we all can keep improving ourselves in that (too).

Here I cheer all of us on finding, learning the peaceful, human, constructive ways of solutions for all the small, medium, large, gigantic sized of issues we might encounter in our lives.

We all want love, we all deserve love, we all wish to live in peace, harmony, and love, so let’s let love rule.
Decide what you want for yourself in life and remember, no amount of fight will ever bring love.

Easy as a restaurant review

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Whatever we are talking about, depending on where we are looking, who we are asking, we can find polar opposite views, opinions, experiences about it.

Simple example is a restaurant review.
There is a nasty, negative rating and on the very same day another happy, positive one.
How will you know which one is to believe to?
How will you decide whether to go or not to that restaurant?

It will entirely depend on you.
On your mood in that moment, on your general attitude, on your previous experiences, on your wants and needs.
How?
Like that if you are in the blues, not even sure if you want to go out to eat at all, if you had at some other time at some other restaurant some bad experience already, if you are not that hungry and anyways you have other options like ordering food or finding something in your kitchen, you very likely will believe the negative view and will not go.
On the other hand when you are happy, willing to go out, had no particularly bad restaurant experience before, hungry, having no other options to choose from, you will trust the positive rating and will go.

Relying on the ratings from complete strangers, without any knowledge of their possible agendas, of what was the reality of their ratings, of what might had influenced them to write whatever they did, you made your mind up, believed one of them, made your decision.

Whatever you decided, whatever happens next, you have no right to blame the reviewer, you can’t make them responsible.

The fact though is, when you never go to that restaurant ever, you will not have a personal experience and so neither the right to claim a well-established opinion really.
Contrary to that, when you go, you will gain experience first-hand, and so you can form your own, grounded views.

… and this shit applies to anything and everything in life!

When you have an opinion about anything that you had no personal experience with and you are stating whatever you believe for God only knows why to be the truth and are eagerly spreading that out and wide, you are losing your credibility.
And so does everyone else doing that towards you!

Having an opinion is a human right. Believing whatever, to whomever is a personal choice.

To be authentic and stay trustworthy I find it a good idea that when stating something without personal experience, without thorough knowledge, is best to start by saying something like ‘although I have no personal experience, my opinion based on … is … ‘

When someone is not into an open discussion with you by talking, asking, listening, showing curiosity towards your views but throws ‘facts’, views, opinions at you about anything in life, especially concerning your looks, relationships, sex life, likes and dislikes, preferences (particularly when you didn’t even ask for it), you have all the right to not listen to that person.
Use your legitimate self-defence and ignore, use the ‘Ctrl+Alt+Del’ combo on them.

You are the only one with a full knowledge on your whys and why nots, you have to be the title character of your own life, you are no less (not more either) then anyone else, regardless of your life choices.

Therefore, whenever you decide, choose, do or don’t anything, make sure it is your decision, your wholehearted yes or no!
And thus you can take full responsibility for it too.

End and beginning, old and new

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Coming close to the end of a not so easy year.
Whatever you believe, to whomever you believe, how many (un)answered questions you might have, whatever you decided on, however many conversations you heard, took part in, however much you feared or cried, how much you (didn’t) care, however you went through this past year, I guess you are tired.

Now that the holiday season is here, I think it is important that you remind yourself: you need to take care of yourself first!
You know, even in the airplane safety demo they say put on your own oxygen mask first, or that you can’t give from an empty pantry, or … you get the picture.

So, if Christmas (or whatever holiday for this matter) is your thing, then go for it, go crazy about it, enjoy it.
If not, then don’t force yourself to indulge in it.
If cooking, baking, enjoying feasts is your thing, dive in.
If not, then go for that toast and butter you love.
If family and friends are who you want to spend time with, do it.
If you rather keep to yourself, do that.

Nothing about any holiday is a compulsory act!
Do as you wish or at least do as it suit you best in your given circumstances.

Also, when you will be meeting and spending time with family members, acquaintances, people in general with whom you are not spending much time together throughout the year, be sure to carefully navigate the stormy waters of communication.
The chances of misunderstandings can easily skyrocket.
For the sake of a peaceful, fun time, it worth to ignore certain subjects.
Or at least do not jump into conclusions and don’t start fights.
Ask, answer clearly, explain if needed.
Nobody’s opinion is holy. Just an opinion. And as such, some might see it as right and some might perceive it as wrong.

Let’s get ready to close a turbulent year that had some pretty heavy energies, pain, some crazy stories.

Let’s promise to ourselves, and keep to it, that we will do better next year.
That we will listen more.
We will try understanding more.
We will be open more.
That we will include more.
Forgive more.
Care more.
That we will show more compassion.
Will open our hearts more.
That we will love more – ourselves and others.

That we will let everyone be.

Merry Everything and a Healthy and Happy Always to You!

Flow of emotions

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We need to understand the world around us, let it be work, business or private life.
When we don’t, we get frustrated, irritated, puzzled and try to gain understanding as soon as possible.
In best case we ask. Ask for clarification, a different explanation, something we can relate to more.
When not asking then we do the work ourselves. We might do some kind of research by reading up on it or we try to find some answers/sense in ourselves.

Modern art though is something different.
We might, but we don’t need to understand the artist.
In my experience we are allowed and actually encouraged to take our own understanding of it.
A painting, a sculpture, a piece of music or a ballet.

Last week I had the chance to attend a modern ballet performance in a prestigious European Opera house.
Honestly, I had (now I do, read about it afterwards) no idea what the choreographer wanted to say.
All I knew is that an array of emotions was running through me while watching the show, and since!

The thirty some dancers on stage were simply amazing.
At certain scenes I was close to be fully convinced they are not even humans but aliens, as the moves were extraordinary.
Unimaginable for a ‘normal’ human to think it be possible to do.

Through the whole evening emotions were coming. One after the other, the next conflicting the previous one and I didn’t mind it, I didn’t want to stop them coming, nor was I fighting any of it.

And the best part, I believe, is exactly this.
One is allowed to have any and all emotions, one can have their own ‘interpretation’ of the art piece and is nobody’s business.
You can choose to share it, but there is no obligation for it what so ever and need not to ‘defend’ your understanding in case of any different perception from anyone.

When it comes to modern art, what counts is your experience.
Whether it is inspiring, fun, eye opening, even triggering in some ways, it is all enriching you and you must fit no rules, no expectations to take it in in your own ways.

Just as it is with life, with relationships.
Your emotions are yours to feel, they are valid and you owe explanation to no one why you feel and how you feel what you feel.
Your experience, your show, your art, your life.

Illusion – a tool or pure lie

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This I just saw on a social media platform:
‘What makes desirable to be desirable?
From that the woman without sparing money, time and effort, and often even enduring pain, tries to present her advantages in the most tempting way possible and to minimize her disadvantages.
Every single woman has disadvantages, but the man doesn’t have to know about it. Women know how to divert their attention from disadvantages.
Because men are never interested in the truth, it is not what makes them fever, but the illusion of what they see.
However, it is up to the woman, what kind of sight unfolds before them. The smart woman creates the illusion.’

NOOO, this is so fucking wrong on so many levels!

First of all, desirable is not like mathematics where 2+2 always equals 4.
What one considers desirable is a personal preference, meaning that is unique to each and every one of us.

Then why does it talk only about women?
Big mistake to believe men don’t want to be desirable! They do.

Of course, we all want to show our best on a first date or on a special occasion but to build, have and keep a relationship, honesty is a must.
And honesty means that we, women and men alike, admit to our disadvantages too.

Not to mention the fact that it is impossible to upkeep an ‘illusion’ – that I rather call a lie – without fail, all the time, 24/7.
Also, where would the person be in this act of illusion? I mean the authentic, real, raw truth of the person.
I tell you: nowhere! Would be hidden, or worse, not even discovered, acknowledged. It would be a kind of a freak show only.

Plus, it is insulting towards men.
‘Never interested in the truth’?!? How can anyone generalize men like that?
I mean sure, when one is after only a one-night stand, some sexual satisfaction then yes, I buy it, we don’t need the full truth, only the best of each other that makes that night a celebratory fireworks.
But then again, in such a case it would apply both to women AND men!

Worth a note too, men are not dumb, stupid, brainless dicks.
Feel sorry for you if this is the only kind you ever (in family, school, work, relationships, …) experienced.
Men have brain, and they use it too and so, after the initial hunger, they would see through such an ‘illusion’.
When they were after just sex, they likely wouldn’t mind but if they were to look for a relationship then it is also likely that they would get out and look elsewhere.
Obviously, here I am talking about mature men, not hungry boys.

As a final clarification, here is the official definition of the word, illusion:
– an instance of a wrong or misinterpreted perception of a sensory experience
– a deceptive appearance or impression
– a false idea or belief

So please, don’t fall for such shallow ‘wisdom of life’!
It is untrue, simplifying and is hurtful.
Use your brain, rely on your wisdom and be yourself! Fully!