Posts

Clearing the fog around Help

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When we are babies we accept help from parents, grandparents, siblings.
Of course, no baby would survive without being fed, sheltered, protected.
Also no one would learn any life skills if adults wouldn’t show, teach, tell them.
It is all natural.

When we grow a bit but are still kids, we go through a stage when we don’t want to take any help, we want to show we can do that thing or another all by ourselves.
We are proud to show off that we can tie our shoelace, or that we can draw, or dress ourselves up.

That stage usually goes parallel with still accepting, even asking for help in other things, that we didn’t learn yet or we are uncertain with them.

Then we get to school and there for sure starts a negative spin … ‘don’t ask for help, you can do it by yourself’, ‘do it alone’, ‘this is not a team project’, ‘don’t help, s/he needs to learn it’.
All with the ‘good’ intention to become your own person, don’t rely on help, don’t bother others.

Once in a work environment, it continues by getting ridiculed (how can you have this job if you don’t know this), not getting a promotion (you are not independent enough), get rejected (it’s not my job to help you) for asking for help.

Unfortunately, in many people all these conditioning get to the point that they grow afraid to ask for help, they get ashamed when they feel they could do with some help.
It will affect one’s all life areas, as the brain won’t separate that asking for help in work is a no go but asking for help in a relationship situation is okay.
And so, another rabbit hole is created, in which one can get lost, can go down so deep that ruins her/his life for years, decades, a lifetime.

To have a healthy, balanced, happy life, we must start by unlearning all the conditioning we were put through in our growing up and young adulthood.

Asking for help, when in need for whatever reason, is okay, is allowed, is the best what one can do.

To meaningfully help someone when they need it, is an amazing feeling.

Help is not something to be forced onto someone or do regardless, as help only really works when is asked for, and is delivered with an honest, no agenda attitude.

Don’t believe otherwise, help is available, help is around you.
Work up the courage and ask for it!
Give yourself the chance to breeze, to let the stress go, to get an outside vantage point from where you see your situation clearly and can find a solution and so move forward to a better, happier, more balanced self and life.

Opinion – clearing some myth

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Mostly everyone is generous in giving, sharing, offering opinions, even pushing theirs onto others, regardless whether asked for it or not.
Often some does it out of a fully convinced self-importance.

An opinion, by definition, is a judgement, a viewpoint, or a statement that is not conclusive.
It is a view or judgement formed about something, not necessarily based on fact or knowledge.

And that is what you always need to keep in mind when getting one on anything, that an opinion is not the universal, unquestionable truth.
Which means, there is no reason for you to get upset when you hear one that you can’t identify with, that you don’t feel to be right for you.

You do have the right and are allowed to have your own opinion, to have different opinion to those shared by the other person, opposing opinion, or even have no opinion at all.
You do have the right and are allowed to accept an opinion, to act on an opinion or to disagree with it, even ignore it completely.
The palette is 360° and it is up to you what you do, how you deal with an opinion.

What you can’t do for the sake of yourself, your self-esteem, your self-confidence, is to let anyone ‘rule’ you with their opinions.
Why?
Because when you let that happen, then basically you allow someone else to ‘lead’ your life.
And that is far from healthy, far from constructive, far from happy and is not sustainable.

Also, for all the above mentioned reasons, when you share your opinion on anything with anyone, just make sure you word it with positive, helping intention, when you say it you are not expecting it to be taken, as well as you are ready to accept a possible counter-opinion.

When the exchange of opinions happens this way than you are on the right path to meaningful conversations.

In my opinion! 🙂

The green-eyed monster

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Psychologists are saying that it is a natural and perceived to be negative feeling.
They established categories:  normal and abnormal.
Within these two categories six types are identified: rational, family, pathological, sexual, romantic, power.
They say it is normal to feel it in a close relationship.

Jealousy.

What makes it normal?
Is it that many people are? Is it that it is subject of many chats, gossips? Is it that many people already experienced it on a way or another?

In my opinion it is not normal.

It is a feeling without any constructive outcome.
It does not help, it does not make things move forward on a positive way.
It does not make connections deeper nor more committed.

What it does though is that it hurts the person feeling it.
Also, when it gets impossible to hide it, and criticizing, fault finding, blaming, overprotectiveness, suspiciousness, quick temper, verbal or even physical abuse happens in the name of it, then the person on the receiving end suffers too.

In my opinion jealousy is a result of self-worth issues, uncertainty, instability, lack of self-love, lack of trust, lack of self-knowledge, of self-acceptance.

As none of that is serving the best possible life of anyone, none of that should be taken as ‘okay’, as ‘this is how it is’, especially that all can be turned around.

One can learn to know her/his self-worth, can become certain and stable, can start working on and getting to self-love, can learn to trust, can get to knowing and accepting self.

Jealousy is not a ‘sentence for life’ when one is ready to do the work.
When one wants a loving, caring, balanced relationship then the best s/he can do is start the work immediately.

Especially that no one to be expected to suffer its damaging effects endlessly, so no surprise when one decides to walk away from a jealous person.

Misconceptions about a word

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From the moment of birth, one’s conditioning starts.
That means that the young adult you become has all that engraved, good, bad, personally suitable or not.

One thing, out of numerous, that is not taught or ‘advertised’ is that because your mum, dad, family is one way, it does not mean you are exactly, or at all, the same as them.
Just because they have a way of seeing the world, understanding events, translating stories, does not mean you must blindly follow.

Yes, we all are influenced by our families, schools, immediate surroundings while growing up.
Yes, mostly we are taught to follow suit.
Yes, adults are, in good cases, teaching, showing the world to the kids by their best knowledge and understanding.
Yes, there are ‘social norms’ that are influencing the majority in the world.
Yes, girls commonly are told not to say no because that is not polite, that might inconvenience the men, the older, the authority.
Yes, boys commonly are told not to say no as that might inconvenience the older, the authority and at the same time also taught not to take no, as an answer if they want to become ‘somebody’.

This system is outdated, rotten and hurting way too many.

No is a valid, legal, necessary word in everyone’s vocabulary.

You must learn how and when to use it, as well as accept it, when you hear it.

Once you are ‘out in the world’, wherever that might be from your late teens onwards – studying a trade, being at a university, already working – you will meet all kinds of people with all kinds of backgrounds and conditioning.
This is the time from when on you can see, experience and understand more of life than what you had in your more closed ‘home’ community.
This is the time from when on you might realise that there are other options that are more liked and suitable for you.
This is the time from when on you have to start realizing that in order to live your life, do your things, follow your dreams, sometimes you will need to say no.

Oh, and as a side note, even if you are older, whatever old, it is never too late to learn to say and accept a no!

For many, it is a life changing phenomenon.

When you realize, you can say no to following in the parents’ footsteps because you see your life going in a different direction.
When you understand it is possible to say no to bosses, to authority.
When you understand it is a must to say no when you feel so, and accept no, in any kind of a sexual situation.
When you understand it is your right to say no to anyone under any circumstances when you feel it to be the right answer for yourself.

Anything you learned, can be unlearned.
Anything you were taught can be revisited, you have the right to keep it with you or can decide to drop it since it does not match you, your values, your worldview.

Life is a forever changing, evolving flow.
So are you.

You have the possibility, the ability and the tools to keep growing, to keep getting better, to keep becoming more you.

And one of such tools is the word ‘no’.
Use it when you feel it necessary.
Use it wisely.

Not knowing – mistake – sin

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One often falls into the trap of assuming.
We assume we understand the same by an expression.
We assume we have the same ideas, limits, borders, ethical standards.

Stop hurting yourself, your partner, your relationships.
Stop assuming!
Hardly anyone is a mind reader so don’t expect your partner to know what you think.
It can get you into misunderstandings, arguments, fights, heartaches and let’s be honest here, most could be avoided only if you were into the habit of talking, asking, discussing, communicating instead of assuming.

Like with sins.
What are those things that are ‘no go-s’ for you?
When does a repeated mistake turns into sin?
What do you consider as a sin?
How far are you willing to push out your borders?

Yes, we are there again that first and foremost you must know yourself in order to be able to share these with your (would be) partner.

Are you okay with someone being late? How late? How often? Under what circumstances?
What do you do about it? Accept it? Fight over it? Break up because of it?
My mum’s solution was, once she realized he was always, without fail, 15 minutes late, that she told him to meet or be wherever they needed to be at 15 minutes earlier than she wanted him there, so like that she basically made him to be punctual … and it worked.
For her that wasn’t a reason to fight. She realized that it was something strangely messed up in his ‘system’ and she found a solution that worked for the both of them.
It never was an issue ever again.

Of course, this is a smaller example.
There are more serious ones to be considered.

Like lies.
Can you live with lies?
Are you okay with white lies?
Do you have the same understanding what white lies are?
Are secrets considered as lies?

How about cheating?
Is looking/smiling at another wo/man is already cheating?
Is having a steamy conversation counts as it?
Or is it all acceptable until it gets physical?
Or unless there are feelings involved, you can look passed it?

Where are your borders?
What are those lines within which it all needs to be kept at?

No, it is not obvious.
No, it is not self-explanatory.
No, it is not the same for everyone.
People do have different understandings, limits, frames within which feel safe and comfortable.

Two (or however many) people work well together when both (all) realize that there is no way to be discussing every possible scenario before a relationship forms.
When both are willing to share their yeses and no-s ongoingly.
When both give leeway to possible errors.
When both are willing and ready to listen, and course correct.
When both have their borders and are respecting the other’s.

So once again it boils down to self-knowledge and ongoing honest communication as every and all aspects of a relationship needs to be talked about, discussed, agreed on if you want a well working, balanced, happy union.

Ins and outs of a breakup

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In my video on YouTube last week, I was talking about breakups, about the actual way of how to do it ‘well’.
That is one (crucial) part of the whole process.
Obviously, there is, as with everything, more to it.

Like there are people who always break up just before the relationship would get to the next level, to get to a serious, long term commitment.
In general, those people prefer easy, loose, light connections, are not ready to or are, for whatever reason, afraid to commit.

Of course, nothing is wrong with any kind of a preference.
Only is most beneficial to clarify the intensions quite early in the process of getting to know one another.

If it is being afraid of commitment and is realised by the person her/himself, then it can be worked on, then professional help (coach, psychologist) can be the guide through a faster healing process.

When two people get together who both prefer a light, fun, easy connection then all is perfect, green light for keep going.

But when one is after a more serious, a more committed, more ‘let’s build a life together’ kind and the other is not, then is best to not even pursue any further that road together.
Don’t get into a relationship thinking ‘oh, doesn’t matter what s/he thinks, I will change that’.
NO.
You won’t.
Or sometimes you will, on the surface but the person will be suffering beneath it.

Any and all lasting change start from within. Not by an outside force.

Meaning that if one gets to a realization that they want to change, they will initiate it.
When it is an outside force then the options are of strong resistance or a not heartfelt ‘I’ll  give it a try’ that won’t lead anywhere, or of eventually giving in but that will not last (maybe only till the break up).

Another crazy tendency I want to mention is after the break up saying all the ugly things about the ex.
Yes, I know, sometimes really nasty things happen but still!
Think about it, it was you who spent x amount of time with that person, it was you who decided to get into a relationship with that person, it was you who was in a relationship with that person.

Sure, with time you might have realized the person was not 100% legit, not completely who they said they were or the opposite, you didn’t believe they are as they said they were.
Still, you should not make the mistake of throwing mud at your ex … it does get you muddy too!

After a breakup you want to vent to your best friend. Fine. Do it.
What ever you need to do (get drunk, cry, indulge in food, say things out loud, … ), do it but do it in private!
Never get yourself into the unpleasant situation that people get to ask you ‘if the person is really so, then why at all were you in a relationship with her/him?’

True, we do get disappointed, we might misread someone, we might find out certain characteristics sometimes at a later stage in a relationship, this all can happen.
One major difference is how do we handle it.
Hating won’t help you, but learning from it will benefit you greatly.

So about a breakup is not only the actual breaking up that we can do better but also the recognizing early of what might lead to it so we can deal with the thing on hand way better.
Plus we can clean up our act on how do we deal with the aftermath of it.

It is kind of unavoidable for breakups to come about, but it is up to us whether we keep marching on pointing only at others for what happened to us, or we are taking it as a learning opportunity and try our best to be and do better from then on for our own sake.

An often hidden ‘ghost’

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Have you ever heard the expression ‘trauma response’?
It is mostly used for the emotional response to some terrible events, like an accident, rape or natural disaster.

On a seemingly lighter level, agreeing to things just to keep the peace, is actually also a trauma response that becomes part of life of a relationship dependent person.

It originates mostly from childhood, when for the parents, family members to not to have a go at the kid for whatever reason, s/he learns that the easiest way out is to agree – even though s/he doesn’t feel it, think it so – to whatever the adult is saying, so peace can be had.

On top of that when a person is relationship dependent, is often times a response to experiencing the mostly non-recognised trauma of repeatedly being told, and so conditioned to, that ‘you are nothing’, ‘you never going to make it by yourself’, ‘you never will be able to make a life for yourself’, ‘you can’t stand on your own feet’, ‘you are unviable’ and so on.

As a result, this person can only imagine their adult life within a relationship, where they are under the impression that with the other person by their side now they are someone, now they are able to have a life, to survive, be secure, to live.
And so to upkeep the relationship they agree to everything their partner wants, in the hope that it will make it last.

Usually, this person has no personal boundaries or if they do then continuously disrespect those for the sake of ‘peace’.

Being relationship dependent by all means blocks the way to become and live as a self-confident, independent, secure, stable person, prevents or at least interferes with the person’s growth, of achieving their highest potential, of living their own life on their own terms.

Being relationship dependent is only a way of existing and not a way of living.

When one realises this trap and builds the courage to decide to get out of such scenario, for most, coaching can switch on the light at the end of the tunnel and be the necessary help to be able to take that journey to a brighter, more healthy way of life.

When you recognise yourself in the above written, I wish you all the strength to rise up, get some help and rewrite the rest of your life story on a personally more satisfying, free, (self)loving way.

Contemplation on breakups

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We all experience it in our lives. Some of us more than once.
Sometimes it gets brutal, sometimes smooth, some foreseeable, some completely unexpected.
Whether it happens after 6 weeks, 6 month or 6 years, however way it happens, someone will get hurt in it.

As with everything in life, here also are two sides to the story.
One is to be the one initiating the breakup, the other is to be broken up with.

Being broken up with unexpectedly, without a relatable explanation, I believe is the most difficult one of the possible combinations.
Comes as a shock and leaves you alone to deal with it without a handrail by which you could start to dig yourself out of the hole.

Okay, when the other just disappears into thin air without as much as one single word, that is worse.
That is a class act ‘jerk-ism’.

Breakups are inevitable parts of our lives. Sometimes we will be on this, and sometimes on the other side of the slash. If not in an intimate relationship (some are lucky to find their true partner for the first) then in a friendship, in family relations or in business partnership.
The question is not if we going to experience it but when and how.

To do good by one’s Karma, to be a decent human being, you might want to consider the followings.
Although all breakups are unique as are the relationships, there are some ‘rules’ that can be applied in most situations.
Of course in case of any toxic crap going on, there isn’t much to consider, just get out of and far from it ASAP.
In any other case, first think, weigh the heaviness of the issue, communicate, look for ways to mend what is mendable.
There is no such thing as instant perfect. Perfect needs work. It needs time, willingness, open and honest communication, care and love.

When all above proves to be futile then it is time to breakup.
Face to face in person, not in public, keep it civilised, save the scene/crazy drama, say/listen what is to be said, hold it together and then walk away.

Once it is done, talk with someone you trust (friend, family), allow all emotions to go through you, don’t block any of it. When the shock/pain subsides realize it happened for a reason, it showed your incompatibility and so you both are better off on your separate ways.
Now it is time to take care of yourself. The longer you were in that relationship the more likely you need to figure yourself out again, to ‘upgrade’ your identity, to get back to your authentic self.
Enjoy the you-time. Do not hurry yourself.
Don’t force yourself out to the dating scene before digesting the learning of that relationship and breakup, before healing completely.

You only can receive and give well when you are stable, in balance and open.
Connection and love are beautiful. You deserve the best of it.
Never give up!
Just know: the best is yet to come.

Another kind of loathsome

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In recent days I experienced something that triggered me.
Nothing devastating only sad, discouraging and/or annoying.
But then again, the more I was thinking about it, the more I thought that indeed it is something big and serious, although commonly we just wave it off, shrug and move on.

This action is, in general, get to be talked about a lot – now I am not getting into of what I think of the how – but this subspecies of the act, I feel is getting overlooked.

It is abuse, specifically the abuse of time.

Abuse is often subject of discussions, of warnings, of certain teachings of what to be careful about and how to recognise signs of it as early as possible.
These talks are mainly about physical, emotional, sexual and sometimes about organizational/institutional abuse.
They are much needed discussions and people must be made aware of how they can protect themselves from it or if they had already fallen victim of, then how to get out of, recover from any of such experience.
Nowadays various kind of help is available to those suffering from any of it, so once they realize and admit to themselves that this is what is happening to them, they have the chance to ask for help and recover, eventually.

But if one’s time gets abused?
By someone who is constantly late without any acceptable reason?
By someone who constantly cancels at the very last moment and so screwing up your plans?
Or if after a few hours or days, you discover that the other’s motives in a discussion/connection, let it be business or private, were exclusively selfish, with only their own interest and sake in their mind but all that was presented to be as a possible mutually beneficial communication?
Of course, we can emotionally overcome of such crap fast, saying that ‘shit happens’, not all are as they say they are.

But the real pain here is that time can not be recovered!
Time that we tend to take for granted.
Time that could have been better spent.
Time that never comes back, never can be relived.
Time that never waits, never stops.

When anyone around you shows signs of such irresponsible, even if lightly but abusive behaviour, call them out on it.
They might not even have been aware of the nature of such doing.
Do not let it slide!
Call attention to it while it is ‘small’, you might just be able to stop someone growing into a more serial/serious kind of an abuser.

By all means you’d be demolishing the ‘I didn’t realize’ excuse, at least.

 

From the Cambridge English Dictionary:
Abuser is someone who treats another person in a cruel, violent or unfair way.
Someone who uses something in a way that is harmful or morally wrong.

Celebrating another ‘day’

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… so today is International Women’s day, today women young and old are celebrated in the most part of the world …
Those women who on other days get mum-shamed, body shamed, abused verbally, mentally, physically, raped and then pointed finger at and said she asked for it … and so on.

There are other ‘precious’ days in the calendar too, like Valentine’s Day when lovers show their love to their partner through gifts and gestures and the day before and after keep cheating on them, keep degrading them, don’t appreciate them.

Or there is Father’s Day when those men get elevated onto a pedestal for their amazing fatherness. Only the day before and after they get ignored, criticised for how they hold their own child, get told off that they are the worst why they allow/accept this or that for/in their children.

And the list could go on but you get the idea.

We have plenty of celebrations, special days written in the calendar and to comply with societal expectations we do our best to show we do know those days, we do what is expected.
Just have a look at any of the social media sites. All are there and showing (off) their feelings and gifts.

By now I am sure you sense it, I am not the biggest fan of such ‘special days’.
In my world if you are in love then you love every day, if you have a mother/father and you think they are the best then you feel like that all year round, if you appreciate and respect women then you do that all day and every day … and if you are not then don’t be a joke to ‘play nice’ for that one day for the ‘colleagues/neighbours to see’.

As for me, I feel it sickening and hypocritical when I see all the dirt, nastiness, attacks, criticism flowing like an endless river only being (kind of) stopped for one day in the year to celebrate certain groups of people.
In my ideal world we would all be caring, loving and allowing.
We would stop constantly looking over the fence into other’s gardens and give them unsolicited advice, opinion.
Rather, we would look around way more in our own world, keep looking into our own mirror to keep working on getting a nicer, better reflection.

Just stop complying with those, often only imagined, societal expectations.
Be the genuine, authentic, kind and caring person who you really are (or aspiring to be) all year round, regardless of the special title of the day.

Celebrate if you want to and know that you don’t have to!